


Will We Ever Be Again

by Leteach505



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, Lesbian Character, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Redemption, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 68,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26254255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leteach505/pseuds/Leteach505
Summary: Ellie returns after almost a year away from Jackson. Her road home took her to several unexpected places and she has returned with special experiences and gifts for those she left behind. Grappling with finding herself and trusting enough to truly love is requiring more work than anything she has done in her difficult life.Dina moved back to Jackson and in with Jesse's parents almost immediately following Ellie's departure to California. She has been grappling with letting the love of her life go and moving forward for JJ's sake. After giving so much to Ellie, she is finding it hard to keep herself together and when Ellie reappears in Jackson County, Dina fights the urge to return to their familiar, but toxic, relationship.Bravery is just the knowledge that you can withstand pain.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 135
Kudos: 246





	1. We're here and now

**Author's Note:**

> The game left me utterly destroyed. Dina and Ellie's relationship was so relatable, I had to write about the aftermath for my own mental health. Some of my own life experiences are sprinkled in here. This is my first fanfic so please give me feedback.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Fuel's Shimmer

_"How about we just keep our histories to ourselves?" Joel's gruff voice was booming in her head as she followed closely behind. That was the first time she walked through the woods, and all she could think of was how amazing the outside world was, even if Joel was a dick about it. The woods smelled clean and fresh, like her lungs could take a full breath for the first time in her life. Present company excluded, everything felt light and airy. She was fighting not to let Joel's shitty attitude ruin this for her, but it was hard to ignore his apparent distaste for his mission and her presence. Ellie had hoped he would want to talk about things. She tried to tell him how sorry she was about Tess. There was a deep need inside her to talk about her feelings, but it was quickly becoming apparent that she was just cargo in Joel's eyes. To survive, he had forged a code that kept him from getting close to anyone, even Tess. Ellie couldn't help but wonder if this is what it took to move forward and live in this world. It was confusing to think that attachment could be dangerous in the world that opened in front of her._

_The sun was glowing more orange in the sky, splattering its light and shadows across the grass and mud. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen, up to this point, at least. There wasn't a whole lot of beauty in her life in the QZ. Despite all the death and hopelessness she had experienced in her short life, she clung tight to the belief that the outside world held more. Riley believed it too. Maybe that was why she joined the Fireflies, to seek out that beauty. There just had to be something more significant for her out here lingering in these open spaces. This journey was that chance to seek it out, and while it both terrified and excited her, she finally felt secure in herself with a clear purpose walking through those woods. Her life was going to matter ultimately. It was all going to matter._

Of course, things were not that simple. Ellie admonished herself for being so naive. Childish ambitions were not real in this world anymore. A beautiful life was a fantasy no one could afford, and Joel had been right; attachment was deadly. Her devotions are how she came to be dragging her battered body over these familiar trails. These woods were so different than the ones in Lincoln, her first woods. This year's winter thaw left the woods lusher than when she saw them last, but they were still familiar in every way. The smell, that was what she had missed most. 

Ellie poured over everything that brought her to this place with each measured breath since her first trek through nature. Although lighter than when she left Wyoming almost a year ago, the burden she carried was weighing on her. All of the things she had done and seen were mingling in her heart and mind, distracting her from formulating how she could return. Her various wounds and aches served as constant reminders, prodding her brain back to the past over and over. A part of her ached to go back to Lincoln and start over, maybe avoiding those attachments that opened so many dark holes inside her soul. And yet without anyone or any obligations holding her back, she was walking the final stretch back to Jackson and more attachment.

As the day got long and her legs grew heavier than her heart, she knew she could no longer ignore her body. She had to stop. The westernmost lookout was at least a day's walk. With no food and dwindling water supply in her canteen, she knew spending a night out in the open wasn't a great idea in her condition. On the other hand, she had very little ammunition to protect herself from the horrors she would likely find if she risked sheltering in a nearby settlement. Ellie looked up into the lush canopy overhead for the sun to orient herself, and then she turned left off the trail, heading north. 

Her heart willed her body across the gravel driveway, exhausted. The night had swallowed everything already, but she didn't want to waste her dying batteries illuminating what the moon could handle. Her right side was throbbing, and her thoughts shot back to Colorado. Damn, same place. She winced as she thought about sewing Joel up as preparation for sewing herself up in the same spot seven years later. Why was life all patterns, sickly familiar repetitive patterns? Rubbing her palm through the thin shirt over the crooked stitches, she allowed a happy thought to interrupt the pain. She and Dina would have matching scars now. Who falls on their knife? The warm memory of running her fingers over that perfect scar on Dina's hip made her blood rush, and she felt more urgency to get to someplace safe. Now those attachments were pulling her from the abyss she had fallen into. 

A makeshift barricade of stacked furniture and wooden planks blocked the front door, but she could hear infected inside. There was no choice; she had pushed her body past this point crossing the sands between California and Arizona only once. That had left her unconscious in the heat of the day, collapsed from lack of shelter, food, and water. It was a miracle that it wasn't the end of her journey, or worse. Now she was on the brink again. Walking for eight days straight with very little rest in between had taken its toll. She had to clear the cabin and rest, maybe find some food. Her strategy needed to be quiet and efficient. Who knew what was out there in the dark. Ellie pulled her bow laboriously from around her back and drew one of her last three arrows from her pack, licking the fletching to remove the dried mud and grime before spitting it out and nocking her arrow. Steadying the wood in her left hand had become increasingly more difficult, but she had been practicing as much as possible to regain some of her former grip strength and accuracy.

She made her entrance through a missing window in the garage. The spores were thick, but she could use the haze to her advantage. The groans and clicks coming from the open door beyond the rusted car gave her a hint of what to expect once she made her way inside the main house. Peering over the car's hood, she loosed her arrow into a runner with a small, gaunt frame. Ellie moved up, stepping over the writhing body and through the doorway into what must have been the cabin's kitchen. To her left, she heard those unmistakable clicks and to her right, more groans and shuffling. 

The bow remained at the ready in her mangled left hand as she drew her new bowie knife from the sheath strapped to her back. It's stone and bone handle swiveled smoothly over her palm as she rotated it into an underhand grip. The runner on her right fell quickly with a stick to the throat, the blackened blood pouring over her tattooed forearm. The clicker, hearing the body drop, screeched and came running. Ellie wheeled around and caught it with her bow's recurve, lodging it in the creature's misshapen head. As they struggled around the lacquered bow, Ellie ducked under a swipe, turned the blade in her hand once more, and arose in one graceful lunge with the point stuck firmly under the clicker's chin. She pulled the knife from the oozing mess and gently cleaned the beautiful Damascus steel, turquoise, and bone knife on her shirttail. It had been a gift during her time in New Mexico, and while it was not a replacement for her mother's switchblade's sentimental value, she couldn't help but feel as if the blade was an extension of her arm already. 

Scanning left and right, her eyes stopped on a broken photo frame still hanging on the wall in front of her. It was a family of three, the kid no older than herself when she left Boston with Joel. Instinctively she looked down towards the door and knew that the runner she had just dispatched with the arrow was probably that child. Guilt took her firmly in its arms. If only they were immune. She couldn't bring herself to try and retrieve that arrow. 

Ellie covered her entry point in the garage with an old metal shelving unit before turning the dining room table against the kitchen door to feel safer. The remaining dining set chairs would do nicely for firewood. Before long, she had a fire glowing from inside the stone fireplace. Even in the warmer months, the cold of the increasing elevation was something she didn't consider when she ditched her winter gear in New Mexico to make room for more precious cargo. Making that choice forced her to avoid the higher elevations and colder weather in Colorado almost entirely, adding time to her trip. That extra time didn't bother her much, though. It put more distance between her and what she left in Santa Barbra, leaving her more time to heal and crawl from that void inside. And besides, there were ghosts in those Colorado Rockies she didn't wish to visit ever again. 

Instead, she left Santa Fe and headed northwest, through what was was once the Navajo Nation, into Utah. The people she encountered during that leg of her journey were thriving and helpful, having lived in relative isolation for centuries. Family after family took her in, always pointing her in the direction of the next safe resting place as she headed north to Salt Lake. There was real healing that took place in those meager homes. "Your home is where your spirit is. The creator is guiding you to it. Be brave enough to find it. There is a way out of every dark mist. Over a rainbow trail." She remembered the words of the older woman in northwestern New Mexico. She and her family had blessed Ellie, cloaking her in sage smoke and gifting her the knife before leaving. It was the first time she had a peaceful night's sleep in years. Ellie drifted away on the old rug in front of the fireplace, wishing she was back in that home feeling covered in that land's magic.

A chair leg cracked in the fire, and Ellie awoke in a daze. The sun wasn't quite up, but she knew it was the morning from the air's stillness. She used to hate mornings, never wanting to get up because dreams were better than reality. Those days held childish dreams of being a hero, like the ones in her comics. Later they would be of Dina. Staring up at the wood-paneled ceiling, she remembered the last morning she felt that way. Before the nightmares made her wish for morning to come sooner. Before she saw sleep as the enemy. If she only knew what that day held when she awoke, would she get out of bed? Indeed it would have changed nothing. Joel's voice boomed in her head, "Things happen, and we move on!" "What a dick." She whispered angrily under her breath as she sat up, rubbing the sleep from her aching eyes. 

The pain in her side was searing, but she had more energy, having found a can of beans in the cupboard the night before. She reached for her rifle and placed the stock down on the hardwood floor to use the barrel to push herself up to standing. The stock slipped on the worn floor, and she stumbled forward, catching herself on the fireplace mantle with her left hand. "Fuck!" That pain brought her back to her knees. It was a stark reminder of what she was trying to leave behind. Sitting back on her ankles, she surveyed her mangled hand. The anxiety of what lye ahead was overwhelming her. She drew in a deep breath to build her resolve—no need to worry before she even made it home.

Her time was short, with resources dwindling and infection setting into her body from her various wounds, Ellie had pushed herself past the brink again. New Mexico and Southern Utah brought her the respite required to make it this far, but from Salt Lake on, the world seemed to will her from reaching her destination. Just outside Idaho Falls, she had spent her 21st birthday lying in a mud puddle in a small drainage hole under the main highway, freezing, hiding from a horde traversing the road above her. She resolved that if she were to die, it would only be after seeing her family one more time. The space around her right wrist felt exposed and empty, missing Dina's bracelet after leaving it on the farm. She didn't bring it to Santa Barbra because wearing it felt like a privilege that Dina would not grant her. "I don't plan on dying." She repeated in her head as she made her way down the overgrown road towards the mountain trails that would take her to the lookout. Dina's and JJ's faces kept her going through that early morning as the sun rose in her eyes. The warmth made her muscles loosen some and warmed her cold, wet feet. "Hypothermia from canvas shoes." She smiled and picked up her pace.

Around noon she decided to cut back south off the trail to try to find the river. She needed water and a little bit of rest before making her final push. A fever had grown inside her, and the cold water offered some relief. The snowmelt runoff tasted terrific compared to that stagnant shit she had to drink in Arizona's deserts. How the fuck did anyone ever live in that heat? Resting on a nearby rock, the noise of water reminded her of the waves crashing in California. Before she could stop it, the anxiety gripped her with a firm hand, squeezing the breath from her lungs. Suddenly there she was in the surf, gray darkness surrounding her; she found herself gasping for air in the thick smoke. Fear was crawling through her veins, stabbing at her heart. At first, she walked away from the riverbank, but as the panic grew, her pace quickened, finally breaking out into a full sprint, the terror at her heels. 

Ellie ran in no particular direction, tears clouding her vision as low hanging twigs and branches whipped her, slashing her sunburnt cheeks. Slipping over old unmelted snowpack, she rolled her ankle but stumbled forward and ran on, ignoring all the pain in her body. There was no destination, just a will to ran away. Her legs that had seemed so impossible to move only the night before carried her over fallen logs and rocks, jumping over a creek whose calm waters seemed undisturbed by her trespass. It was mechanical. She was captive to her running body and mind. And she would have run forever if she hadn't tumbled down a ridge, knocking the wind from her chest as she rolled to a stop below a giant pine. Her lungs screamed for air after spending so much time away from this elevation. She felt the warm tears running down her face and stinging all the newly acquired small cuts and scratches inflicted by the trees and bushes. Her left ankle throbbed, and her right side was bleeding from the torn stitches she had so haphazardly replaced yet again just a few weeks earlier. But none of that hurt as bad as the sight in front of her.

Her nightmares' birthplace shot up through the trees, its large windows like deep dark eyes staring back at her. She shuddered and crawled backward, tearing at the mud on instinct. For some reason, she had forgotten the exterior of the building, only seeing it as the basement in her nightmares and flashbacks. Seeing the outside made everything real again, and she doubled over, hugging her knees in tears. Why had her feet carried her here? They had betrayed her and took her away from her destination. As her breathing slowly returned to normal, she became aware that she could not lift her head. Was it exhaustion or something else? She knew the answer; she knew fear's familiar embrace. It was the fear of what she would see if she lifted her eyes towards that place. Anger swelled within her, small at first like a spark, and then in an instant, it overwhelmed her as a rage caught fire. Jumping to her feet and moving around the building's facade, she pulled her handgun and fired into the mocking lifeless windows. When her magazine was empty, she fished her rifle from the mud near her feet and fired the two shots she had left in quick succession, slamming the bolt back so fast in between, the force hurt her shoulder. That is when she realized she was screaming, a painful guttural scream. The windows were gone now, reduced to glittering piles around the sun worn deck. Ellie steeled her nerves as she walked towards the gaping holes, finally scrambling over the window sill and into the vast room with the fireplace. 

  
_"Do you miss being with him?" Dina knew what Ellie's question implied. They had been riding along the icy creek bed for hours now without saying a word. She didn't often feel awkward in Ellie's presence, but today was different. The world was different after last night turned it on its head. Dina knew their friendship would change after she finally let Ellie see how she felt. No teasing or sarcasm; there was no way anyone could misconstrue what happened on the dance floor last night. Well, that was what she had hoped anyhow. But as usual, Ellie found a way to be confused by it, never believing that Dina could ever feel any way other than friendship about her, always appearing to find a reason to keep Dina at a safe distance. This distance had been a constant source of frustration with her best friend, for years._

_"Hey, how come we never talked about this stuff?" Ellie was overthinking something in her head. In truth, Dina never talked to her about Jesse because he was only a distraction that kept her safe from the uncertainty of whom she honestly wanted, but that wasn't something she was willing to admit at this moment. Ever since meeting Ellie outside Jackson's stables five years earlier, she had always longed to be in her presence, and those feelings were foreign to her. Who feels that way about their friends? She had lost so much on her long road to the town in her first 12 years of life that she desperately wanted her life in Jackson to be "normal," whatever that meant. Nothing with Ellie ever fit that criterion. She was so complicated, and Dina could never quite figure her out, even after five years. How Ellie was feeling at any given moment was as deep as the lake they swam in during the warmer months. It was as vast as the skies they laid under some nights to stargaze. And learning it, learning her was both utterly terrifying and mandatory in Dina's heart. That mystery was part of the reason she had fallen so hard for the redhead. She knew it was reckless to love someone who outwardly seemed so emotionally unavailable, but at the same time, being around Ellie was smooth, effortless like the wind in her hair. The juxtaposition of those two things was alluring, and the pull she felt towards her best friend grew stronger every day regardless of attempts to silence it. Their casual banter atop their horses on patrol was safe ground, and Dina was fighting to keep that status quo in the moment._

Japan had heard the first shot and twitched in fear. "Easy," Dina rubbed his neck, looking around in a slight panic. She hadn't felt right about this patrol since riding out of the stables that morning and had instantly regretted ever asking Maria for it. The morning just felt more ominous than usual, particularly since the night before had been plagued by nightmares of finding Ellie in that basement crumbled nearby Joel's twisted body. Similar dreams had haunted her since Ellie left their farm. They always concluded with Dina feeling the same familiar sense of hopelessness that lodged itself in her when Ellie walked out their door. 

The following shots and screams made Blake react. "Is that one of ours?" He looked concerned. "Do you think someone ran into a horde?" "I don't know," Dina replied. And then they heard the two rifle shots ring out. "That sounds like more than one person shooting," Dina said as she kicked Japan and headed off towards the gunshots. Things had been quiet on this route for months. No one had seen any evidence of infected or travelers in the area since the horde was cleared after retrieving Joel's body. But still, she couldn't shake the thought that the WLF had come back this way for revenge. That thought twisted her stomach. The two of them rode hard, pushing the horses in the general direction of the unknown.

In the year since Ellie left, Dina had worked hard to find that "normal" life she had so craved just two years ago. Living back in Jesse's parents' house, the place she called home throughout their relationship, often made her feel like nothing had changed. Ellie's absence was the most depressing at those moments. Their relationship had always been something that pulled her away from what she thought she was supposed to want from this life, and now Ellie's departure confused those concepts in Dina's mind. It left a hole in her heart and sent her soul wandering listlessly. JJ was the most potent reminder that things had moved forward. He was her anchor that kept Dina's head above the undertow, threatening to pull her down daily. His future merited more than the broken pieces of herself she was struggling to reassemble.

Sometimes Dina would consider moving on with someone else. She was never good at not having someone to love or someone to want her. That fact had never dawned on her until Ellie left the farmhouse, and it shook her to her core. After losing everyone she loved to arrive safely in Jackson, she quickly set out building another family for herself with other people to fill that void. Returning to Jackson meant that there were prospects. Plenty of guys around town still wanted her, but she knew that part of this whole process was about learning to be alone for once. At least that is what she told herself. The real truth of it was that she knew she could never love anyone how she loved Ellie again. They had that once in a lifetime, soulmate type of draw between one another. Dina had to find other ways to cope.

Many people in town had opinions about Dina's insistence to rejoin patrols. Maria was one of them. Dina had to do a lot of convincing just to get Maria to give her the shorter, safer routes. It was hard for her to tell Maria that she needed this. After nights filled with nightmares of Ellie dead somewhere on a beach in California, leaving Jackson's walls, that shroud of "normalcy" was essential. Who could ever understand that patrols and scavenging were her ways of coping? She often caught herself searching for signs of Ellie through the trees and up on ridges during every outing, before returning home to JJ, and another handful of days working in the electronics shop or volunteering at the clinic where her longing for Ellie was subdued, even just a little. Today had been no different, so she had left her bed before sunrise, leaving a note for Jesse's parents, before heading to Maria's office to beg to be added to the day's patrols.

As they rode on, Dina became aware of where they were heading. Her body tensed as she squeezed Japan with her thighs yanking back on his reins. The leather felt heavy in her hands, and if she had not been atop Japan, her legs would have faltered. Dina had stayed clear of these trails since discovering Ellie, Tommy, and Joel in that basement. At this moment, the revulsion at the likelihood of returning was making her dizzy. The trees waved in her periphery, and the heat rose from the rocks radiating onto her bare neck. Beads of sweat built on her skin as she felt the color leave her cheeks. Blake was out of her sight by now, swallowed by the trees. She glanced over her shoulder, back the way they came and contemplated riding home, straight through Jackson's gates, to Jesse's parent's house to wrap JJ in her arms, but her thoughts were derailed when she heard Blake call out for her. "Are you coming?" She obliged and kicked Japan forward. 

Blake reached the perimeter fence first. He dismounted and pulled the iron gate back. It groaned in protest, having seen a few wet winters since being disturbed last. Dina sat atop Japan, transfixed with the sight in front of her. The anxiety was making her hands tremble under the weight of the reins as she pictured Ellie's tender body on the floor in a heap. First, in that basement, then somewhere out there in the world. Blake had his rifle ready as he explored the front of the mansion's permitter, stopping under a pine tree before motioning to Dina. "Dina, casings here." She dismounted on shaky legs and approached, distracted with her rifle still on her back.

Squatting to inspect Blake's findings, she remarked in confusion, "I only see one set of footprints in the mud. Who the fuck were they shooting at?" They counted seven 9mm and two .308 casings in the mud around their feet. "There are no bullet holes here. Was this one person?" She surveyed the tree trunk with her hand finding nothing but the tree's bark. The chalet seemed quiet. "The windows are shot out," Blake observed. "We should go get back up. This doesn't seem safe." Dina nodded in agreement but felt compelled to get a closer look first. She drew the rifle from her back and slowly stepped forward, stopping when she noticed a perfectly clean, crisp shoe print in the mud. It was small, and the unmistakable honeycomb pattern made her heart jump. "Let's get back up." She said in a monotone voice, before turning around, mounting Japan quickly, and kicking him back the way they came all before Blake could even turn his mare around.

The trees around her gave way as the wind stung her eyes, drawing tears that streaked across her cheekbones. The air fed into her lungs in large gulps timed with Japan's grunts under her. There was no noise aside from her heartbeat booming in her ears. Who else would be stupid enough to wear those canvas sneakers out here?

Dina made it to the gate first, out of breath. "Go get Maria and Tommy," she barked as she dismounted. The memories of holding Ellie, breaking more and more in her arms, danced over her mind with each forced breath. She could feel those green eyes slipping away at this moment still, growing darker by the second. Instantly her thoughts turned to her son. "Don't lose yourself in this, Dina." She prayed in her head. Maria rounded the corner from the stables with a concerned look on her face. The edges of her mouth stiff and the skin between her brows rising from her forehead. "What are you two doing back so soon?" Before she could get a breath and explain, Blake answered. "We heard shots and followed them to the Baldwin place. Someone is there. There was a gunfight. We need back up to go check it out." Maria stepped back a bit and turned to catch Tommy approaching as fast he could with his limp. "Dina, who was it?" Maria asked. "Is it them?" Tommy blurted out. Dina knew who he meant. "I … I don't know." That was all she could get out between panicked breaths. But she knew. 


	2. I hope you silence the noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie finds herself in a familiar and painful place.  
> Dina struggles with Ellie's absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The XX's Violent Noise

_"Where is that coming from?" Ellie's heart was in her throat. She could hear Joel's cries echoing throughout the walls of the empty mansion. Still, there was very little fear in the girl. She had watched that fall away throughout her time away from the QZ walls. There was no fear of death, in fact, the opposite. She knew she should have died so many times before this, and today was no different. The months leading up to this had been hard ones for her. It was true she had always felt alone, but Joel had always been the silent, constant strength in her life since she left Boston. Sure they never really discussed deep feelings, and he had been shit at teaching her how to navigate an actual healthy relationship in any form. But Ellie couldn't deny that he had always been there, always loved her even if he never said it, and that was more than she ever thought she would experience in her life._

_Ellie still hadn't forgiven him for robbing her of what she firmly saw as her fate. Her need for her life to mean something after watching Riley die had grown, taking up so much of her soul as it spread inside, consuming the things that once made her happy. Joel's choice to save her and hide the truth had just created another hungry void in her. Her survivor's guilt was now more significant than only Riley, much bigger. That guilt had grown to include all of the lives they took on the way to Salt Lake, the people they lost along the way, the Fireflies, and ultimately, humanity. Daily she tettered along the edge of falling into the abyss growing inside herself, only being pulled from going over by those attachments she formed. First, Joel, before she began to recognize the truth, then Dina after uncovering the truth. It wasn't lost on her as she descended the stairs into the vast room below her entry point, that those two souls were the only things she was afraid of losing in this world._

She made her way through the great room and towards the kitchen, stopping just short of entering. Taking a deep breath, she readied the heavy knife in her right hand, for what she wasn't sure. The things she wanted to kill in there were long gone, residing only inside her. She moved slowly but with purpose. Every creak in the floor made her consider who was listening below. She vaguely recalled waking to Dina shaking her. "Oh my God, Ellie. Ellie, I'm sorry." The panic in Dina pulsed through her now. Shoving it down, she put one foot over the other through the kitchen to the door on the right. Instinctively she threw the door open, staring down the dark hole. There was no light this time, and descending the stairs made her think of falling into the abyss. 

The voices from her time in the red deserts marked each step down to the root of her pain. "Today, I will walk out. Today everything negative will leave me. I will be as I was before. I will have a cool breeze over my body. I will have a light body. I will be happy forever. Nothing will hinder me. I walk with beauty before me. I walk with beauty behind me." It was a Diné prayer she learned from one of the families in their sweat lodge. The family elders had insisted that she had something dark inside her when she had arrived on their land. They insisted on helping her find the light and her path once more. Ellie would forever feel indebted to them for everything they gave her back, but the prayer was special. She had taken to repeating it during the darkest moments on her way home. And right now, it didn't get much darker than where she was heading.

Despite her resolve during the descent, the door grew in her field of vision, and she couldn't help but feel as if she would forever fall down this abyss to be met with this door, never wanting to open it. The flashbacks came in intense waves making her skin hurt. She kept trying to shake them off, finally gripping her blade with her bare left hand and squeezing. Blood poured from between her remaining fingers, but the pain steadied her. She grabbed the door handle with her bloody hand and was frustrated that when she built the nerve to twist it, the slippery blood and missing fingers ruined her grip. Ellie backed away to the foot of the last step and kicked the door violently. It flung open in a fury, and the smell hit her. Iron. For some reason, it was comforting. She knew it was Joel's blood, and it felt like a piece of him was there with her. "It's okay. It's me. It's me. It's me." Closing her eyes, she pictured Joel holding her in that fiery restaurant so many years ago as the world burned down around her. She was baptized in blood, David's blood, and would never be the same. Despite that, she wished Joel was there to tell her it was all okay again. Her world was burned to the ground once more, and he wasn't around to save her from herself. All that was left were the darkened streaks and puddles on the tile.

The droplets and spray from his leg wound made a trail and pattern on the floor leading to the deep dark spot near the window. The sun came through the gray glass and lit the site where his life ended. Ellie made her way to the window and slumped next to the place her life had forever changed. Placing her blood-soaked palm on the dark spot, she wrapped herself around her empty rifle and cried. The tears poured from her in silent streams, spilling over her bottom-most cheek onto the ground beneath her broken body. As they dropped onto the tile below her, the blackened stain was diluted in their wetness. She ached to cry enough to wash it all away. The tears fell until exhaustion took her, dropping her in a deep, weary sleep.

By the time Ellie awoke, the room was pink in the shade of the sunset. Her left hand was stuck with dry blood to the black bloodstain where Joel's head had been. She sat up, putting her back against the window, and stared at the door hanging from its hinges. The darkening light in the room reminded her of the mist in Santa Barbra. Her head rang and burned. The fever playing tricks, she could see her now in the fog. Frail and bloody, hair shorn and muscles atrophied. The woman's once-proud body was so ravaged but somehow more full of life than when Ellie watched her in this room. She closed her eyes and thought of the sound of her gurgling under the waves—the smell of salt, ash, and death. The hate in both them drove them to that place. It made them both less than human. 

And then she thought of the boy waiting in the boat. That boy was her, in the back seat of the truck Joel used to bring them home to Jackson after Salt Lake. That boy could have a future that was all his, and someone loved him enough to give it to him, imperfect as it was. She covered her eyes with her hands and could picture Joel, standing on that ridge outside Jackson. "No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for." By something, he had meant her. She was his family, the way that boy had become Abby's. Ellie was floating through two worlds, drawing parallels in her mind like imaginary lines connecting the constellations she loved so much. As her heart lifted with the realization, she felt an unfamiliar peace sweep over her. Attachment was life; it meant fighting for life, not just survival. Joel fought to give her life, killing and cursing humanity in the process, darkening his soul so that her life had meaning. Joel loved her, and that gave her purpose. A silent prayer filled her heart as she hoped she could make it home, back to what Joel wanted to provide her with.

The sound of glass crunching overhead pulled her from her benediction. She felt too vulnerable in her fevered state and lacked enough weaponry to mount any sort of defense. Fighting was not an option. There was no choice but to drag herself out of sight behind the bar to her left. She reached for her knife from her back sheath, still unsure whether the noises she was hearing were real or fever-induced. She could just make out the faint whispers slowly fluttering down the stairs and into that empty tomb she lay in. Resolving herself to fight if necessary, she pulled her battered torso up and crouched on one knee, the blade at the ready—adrenaline built in her atrophied muscles.

"Clear," The louder voice told her so much. It was people not infected, and they were armed since they were clearing the house. Her breath quickened as she heard a voice say, "Someone needs to check down here." Somehow the voice sounded familiar. That fucking fever was distorting things causing the voice to sound eerily like Joel's accent. Just enough twang to make it clear he wasn't from around here. Peeking around the bar's corner, she told herself that Joel was gone as she stared at the black spot under the window. The steps groaned under someone's weight. She was fighting the memories in her head, trying to stay in the moment. A light crept overhead in a flash before sweeping back over towards the window. "I've got fresh blood here." She sunk back, scrambling towards the far corner, wishing the wall would swallow her. More footsteps, louder this time, descended the stairs. "I… fuck. I can't be here." That voice again. "Tommy?" She whispered, "Tommy?" Forcing her voice to work after so long not speaking to anyone. A light rushed over the top of the bar and fixed on her eyes. "Holy shit! Tommy, get over here."

_"I was bitten, and nothing happened." It wasn't just the words that poured over her like cold water; it was the look on Ellie's face. She was genuinely scared. Not of the close call they both just had running through the train tunnels, not of the shamblers they had barely encountered for the first time, or their escape from the WLF at the school and then the TV station. The fear was a result of this exact moment, explaining to Dina that she was immune. It meant letting her closer. Ellie was terrified of letting anyone in. If she had kept this a secret for so long, there was more feeling behind it than Dina knew, that much she reasoned. If only they had this talk in some other place, some other time. It was not lost on Dina that Ellie tried to tell her after their first time together in Eugene's basement, but it was always hard to believe when Ellie was vulnerable, and now Dina felt guilty for not recognizing her sincerity back then._

_It always scared her to see Ellie so imperiled. It didn't often happen. Dina could count the number of times on one hand. Joel's murder was the most recent. But Dina couldn't be the strong one this time. Her own secret hung over her head as she grappled with the fear emanating from Ellie's confession. The words had been stuck in her throat after doing the math some weeks back in Idaho. Her first and last time sleeping with Jesse was Dina's last-ditch effort to salvage what she perceived as the relationship she was supposed to have. Everyone expected her to love Jesse, marry him, have a "normal" life, herself included. He had wanted to take their on-again-off-again relationship to "the next level." Dina suspected that had always meant sex, and while she wasn't opposed to it or prude, she couldn't make herself want it with him. She worried that it would lead him on when inevitably taking that step would make it even more apparent to her that what was between them was nothing more than platonic, no matter how she tried to force it to be otherwise. It was a mistake in every sense of the word. Now the consequences were flooding over everything else she had wanted for so long. Ellie's current disposition mixed with the ramifications of her last night with Jesse terrified her. The fear over losing Ellie forever after she ripped the mask from her face just a few short minutes ago had not even dissipated. The prospect broke her, and now she was sure she had lost her once more._

The consequences of that confession in the theater were worth the pain it had caused both her and Ellie. JJ was an embodiment of everything beautiful in Dina's life. He was an extension of her "long line of survivors" and a piece of Jesse, whom she adored. But most importantly, JJ was a reminder of the undying love and devotion Ellie had for her. The redhead stayed and loved JJ as her son. Of course, it was because JJ was Ellie's, maybe not by blood, but in the same way, Ellie was Joel's.

Dina took comfort that she lost Ellie to something else, something dark and not the problematic start to the romantic part of their relationship. It was what made her absence and now possible return so impossible to navigate. Her complicated feelings made it easy to skip out on returning to the Baldwin place with the rest of the group. A familiar terror was harassing her with the prospect of what they might or might not find. Instead, she found herself pacing in front of Joel's grave muttering, a familiar ritual when the desperation and pain were overwhelming. It helped her feel close to the only other person who loved the redhead as much as her. 

When Ellie pulled Dina's hands from her cheeks for the last time, Dina resolved to prove that she meant what she said. She would not do this again. There had been enough trying to yank Ellie up out of the darkness consuming her, and it was tiring. Smashing herself against Ellie's growing walls was breaking her, and JJ needed someone to be whole. Something had to give. Dina had to protect her peace, for her son and herself. But letting the love of her life go was easier said than done. Every time she looked at JJ, memories of Ellie with him flooded over the moment. Even as the darkness grew in Ellie, Dina always saw the light in her emerald eyes when JJ was around. The promise in them was something that she would always crave. The same hope lingered in every glance and each intimate moment the two women exchanged during the time in one another's lives. Dina grappled with her craving for that feeling to return and pleading never to need it again.

The mud under her feet at the base of the headstone was growing smooth from her pacing. Dina mumbled to herself as her thoughts settled back on the five years she wasted, denying her feelings for her best friend. Why hadn't she told Ellie how she felt sooner? They had lost so much time while Dina grappled with her feelings, and Ellie suppressed hers. In truth, their attraction was instant and mutual. Witnessing those green eyes for the first time in the dimming light of Jackson's stables ruined Dina. They stung her heart like a shooting star that she felt lucky enough to be witnessing. A strong force took root in her belly tied to the girl with those gorgeous, sad, mysterious eyes. It always felt like fate, inevitable, as the two girls revolved around one another for so long before crashing into each other on the dancefloor that fateful night. But Seattle wasn't how she pictured spending the first months of the relationship she pined after for so long. What followed didn't leave much time or space for their love to grow as it deserved. Everything happened so fast and was so painful, losing Joel and Jesse, almost losing each other in that theater, not to mention Dina being pregnant. It was overwhelming to her, so she couldn't imagine how trapped Ellie had felt. 

There was so much guilt and regret over losing her soulmate. It seemed wildly unfair that after getting what she wanted so badly for so long that everything had been so fucked. Despite all of the complications in their relationship, Dina still couldn't forgive herself for not saying the right thing to make Ellie stay. She had been finding it increasingly difficult not to feel responsible for failing to pull Ellie from the darkness growing inside her, making it impossible not to blame herself for Ellie's disappearance. That guilt was eating her alive at the prospect of Ellie being home. What if she was back and worse than when she left? Could Dina fix her this time? Should she even try? What Dina needed at the moment was her best friend, protecting her from all this heartbreak and uncertainty. If her suspicions were right and Ellie was back, there would be no choice but to reckon with all of this, the unbearable weight that she carried since Ellie started slipping away. But being wrong would be worse. It would mean Ellie was still gone. Her voice cracked under the words. "Is she okay, Joel? She better be fucking okay." She turned from the silent headstone and let her feet carry home to her son, her only source of comfort.

Dina had cuddled JJ to sleep before setting him in his crib for the night. It wasn't just about comforting him so he would drift off to sleep sooner; she needed to ease the magnitude of the moment. She had to resist the urge to whisper to him that his mom was okay. That maybe Ellie came back to him—best not to get his hopes up, or hers for that matter, by saying any of that out loud. Now Dina was back on her porch, festering in anger, confusion, and heartbreak when commotion from the gate broke the night's stillness. It was late and had been a long emotional day, but her feet carried her swiftly through Jackson's empty streets, unsure of what they would arrive in front of. 

Nine horses pilled into the gate one after the other. Maria wrung her hands. "Where is Tommy?" She shot Dina a glance as she sprinted up. "Here he comes now" Blake nodded into the darkness beyond the open gate. As Tommy approached, Dina noticed someone was behind him on his horse, Tommy trapping a small frame closely behind him with his free arm, his other hand gripping the reigns and horn. Before she saw her, she knew who it was. Her breath hitched. As Blake helped Tommy dismount, Maria gasped in shock and ran for Ellie on the horse's back. "Ellie!?" She pulled her down slowly as Ellie half-collapsed into the mud. Her limbs fell from her torso like wet strings. Blake rushed to help Maria steady Ellie upright and walk her to the clinic. Dina was in shock. She couldn't move. She had prayed for her to come home safely for so long, and now that the day was here, she didn't know how to feel. Ellie looked like a shell of herself, covered in mud and dark dried blood. Dina fixed her gaze on the large, fresh blood spot on Ellie's right side. Was this real? She turned to the side and vomited. "Don't tell me you're pregnant again," Ellie said in a weak, horse voice as they passed Dina on the way up the street. Dina turned around, wide-eyed and scowling in time to catch the slight smirk on Ellie's face as they strained to get her down the road, her eyes never leaving Dina's over her shoulder until they rolled back and closed.

Dina stood astonished in the mud, stuck in place. There was too much feeling coursing through her body, and it was making her nauseous all over again. Her hands were shaking as the relief washed over her, allowing her pulse to slow. It coursed through her veins and passed and suddenly evolved into so much else. There was fear, fear that she would have no choice but to love this woman forever. Then she found anger, anger that Ellie let the darkness take her from their love. The hurt followed. Hurt that someone Dina loved so deeply, so passionately didn't seem to love her back. But love, love was the worst. The stupid fucking love that had been there for so long. Despite where they were, who they were with, whether they were alive or dead in the ground. That love was there. It felt reckless and dangerous now with so much to lose once more. Dina resented it. All of these emotions swirled within her, building up a wave of passion crashing down on her shoulders with a crippling weight. If that wasn't a metaphor for everything about her and Ellie, she didn't know what was.

"You fucking asshole!" was all she could get out the second the clinic doors flew open, rattling so hard on their hinges they might have burst under the force. Her anger wanted to burn the world, consume it, and leave nature to start over again. Dina could feel every muscle in her body tense as she charged forward, intent on what she didn't know. Ellie was already on a gurney, and several people were attending her. One woman had surgical shears and was cutting the tattered blood-soaked shirt from her body, revealing a horrible jagged tear in her side half closed with uneven stitches. It was angry and red, oozing blood and dark fluid. The sight terrified Dina so much that she almost forgot herself to run to Ellie's side and beg her to be okay. Another was unlacing her stupid canvas sneakers, the sight of which only fueled Dina further. Her tattooed arm was being tied around the now withered bicep by yet another nurse. The nurse appeared to be probing the crook of the redhead's elbow for a vein. Doc Denton examined her left hand and arm, holding it close to the light overhead and gawking at the two missing digits with scrutiny. Tommy and Maria stood a short distance observing in horror. All movement stopped in the room when Dina burst in. Ellie even turned her head weakly to face the door, eyes mere slits in her sunken cheeks. Dina stopped cold and collapsed to her knees with her face in her hands. She cried on more occasions than she could count since Ellie left, but never like this. Maria slowly moved to meet Dina in the center of the room, pulling her up by her shoulders and walking her out the door back into the night.

Dina was inconsolable. The whole scene had broken something in her. Something she had been fighting to hold together as it tore at the seams. Jackson's familiar streets and buildings she had been in for almost a decade of her life seemed foreign. In front of her, the blonde woman shook her by the shoulders, and her lips were moving. While she could read the distress on her face, there was no sound. It all felt like a movie, like she was outside of herself, watching it. Maria sat her on the steps of the covered porch outside the clinic and waited. Dina gasped for breaths in her rattling lungs, her body shaking at every attempt at a breathe. Suddenly a light from the clinic doors behind her illuminated the sidewalk ahead, casting shadows in front of her. She couldn't tell what was real. The world had slowed. The frames coming at her in fragments until there was a pinch in her bare shoulder. As sudden as it came on, her vision faded out, and it all abruptly stopped. 

The sleep was vague and dreamless. Surreal and lingering when Dina's dark eyes finally opened. The day was already hot, and the sun was pouring through her thin curtains, accosting her in her sleep. She felt hungover and unsure of how she even got to bed. For the moment, the events of the night before faded like a bad nightmare as she scanned her surroundings to notice that she was in her room in Jesse's parents' home. She rubbed her eyes, taking note of the roughness of her usually soft cheeks. Salt, dried tears? She sat straight up, kicking off the covers. It wasn't a nightmare. She tried to stand but felt woozy and had to catch herself.

"What the fuck?" A soft knock fell on her door. "Dina, honey, are you awake?" It was Susan, Jesse's mom. "Susan, what is going on?" She sat back on the bed, shivering. Susan opened the door very slowly. "Oh, good. I am so relieved you are awake. We were getting worried." Dina noticed her hands were shaking. She looked at Susan in fear holding them up for her to see. "Honey, you had, well, you had a bit of an…. an episode last night. Maria had the doctors at the clinic give you something to knock you out. They brought you home to rest." Dina was furious. Who the fuck just shoots someone up. She couldn't have been that bad. "Why? Why would they do that?" Tears welled up in the older woman's eyes. "They said you were talking about some disconcerting things. You were incoherent. Honey, what happened?" Dina didn't know what else to say. She wanted to know if Ellie was really back and if she was okay but instead answered, "I don't know."


	3. All the cracks, they lead right to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie awakens in Jackson. Dina awakens somewhere unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from AFI's The Leaving Song

_"We fight for every second we get to spend with each other, whether it is two minutes or two days. We don't give that up." Ellie was terrified. It wasn't necessarily death that she feared, but ending up alone in whatever came after death. At the moment, Ellie was supremely thankful that Riley always knew precisely what to say to make her feel safe in a way no one ever had before. Knowing that she and Riley would be together, in the end, was the only thing keeping her grounded. It had been a fantastic last day, up until they both were bitten at least. If you could pick how you go out, Ellie would have picked this any day over being torn apart by infected or shot to shreds by other humans. At least it was going to be next to the first person she loved, who showed her love for the first time. Her mind raced at what she should say. How do you pick your last words when their arrival is imminent, and you know it?_

_Hours passed, and they hadn't spoken. The two girls sat shoulder to shoulder, holding hands at their sides. Ellie's forearm was burning, and she could tell from Riley's breathing and arm spasms that she was in even worse pain. Riley pulled her hand from Ellie's grasp and brought it up in front of their eyes. The veins snaking from her thumb up her forearm were growing black. The bite itself now a dark hole in her hand surround by yellowing cysts. She was pouring sweat. Ellie pulled her arm upwards to compare. The area around her bite was a tender red, and the blood had begun to dry some. Riley didn't seem to notice the lack of symptoms Ellie was confused by in the moment, though. "Ellie?" The panic in Riley's voice was more alarming than the prospect of her own arm turning black. Riley went rigid and slumped over on her side, grasping her arm. The blackness in her veins started creeping upwards. Ellie was trying to keep it together. She didn't want to scare Riley further. "I'm here. It's okay. We are together. Keep fighting. Don't leave without me, Riley."_

Ellie's most significant fear recognized; she awoke alone. Aside from her dreams of Riley in the mall, her slumber had been dark and empty, leaving her confused about time and space the moment she opened her eyes. The air felt so familiar and welcoming. Instinctively she reached for Joel's revolver that was always on her hip, only to find her bare thigh and nothing more. Fear crept up inside her chest until she noticed the bedding and blankets surrounding her damaged body. Clearly, this was a safe place, and her memories of Dina collapsing on the clinic's white tiled floors in Jackson confirmed her location. It was odd to wake up in a safe place, naturally and unprovoked for once. That hadn't happened in a long time. The bedding felt obtrusive and frivolous on her skin. She ran her fingers across the worn sheets and felt her rough skin snag the perfectly soft fabric. Resting her body in such luxury and safety felt foreign after all the things she endured just to return to this. It felt strange to be home.

How long had she been out? Why was she alone? Why was she alive? Ellie grappled with calling out for someone and merely lying in place and pretending she had just woken up from an average, albeit long, nap. Maybe if she closed her eyes tight enough, she would wake up in her bed on the farm, JJ snoring softly between her and Dina. Suddenly, the door to her room moved with a click and opened slowly, scattering light across the floor. Ellie was so lost in her fantasy that she almost thought she had manifested Dina in the doorway. Her eyes widened, and she sat up as much as her body would permit. But this figure seemed taller than Dina. "Well, look at you, Ells." She knew the voice and nickname instantly, and yet she still asked, "Cat?" Cat approached in the room's darkness and reached out to place her hand on Ellie's tattooed forearm. The contact made Ellie want to withdraw. It was too tender and felt overwhelming after not feeling a woman's touch for so long. 

"I am glad you are awake. I need to check your wounds, though. Can I turn on the light?" Ellie rarely heard Cat sound so warm, even when they were a couple. It wasn't her style; feelings weren't her thing––one of Ellie's favorite things about her at the time of their relationship if you could call it that. "You... work here?" Cat didn't move from her side, appearing to wait for permission to do what was obviously now her job. "For now, yea. So what's the verdict here? Can I hit the lights and finally see those gorgeous eyes again?" There was the tone Ellie associated with Cat, sickly sweet and suggestive, tinged with some other undertones that made it hard to take her seriously sometimes. Ellie nodded into the shaft of light pouring from the crack in the door and considered clamping her eyes shut to avoid the inevitable searching Cat would do into her eyes, but she didn't. Maybe she wanted someone to see her like this, vulnerable.

The two women don't exchange a word as Cat examined Ellie's wounds, changing the dressings covering her side's painful injury. Ellie closed her eyes whenever the other woman's fingers brushed her bare skin. She tried to sink into the feeling of being cared for again, despite how odd it felt. Still, Cat was so professional about the entire exchange that it made Ellie feel stupid for so desperately craving any semblance of intimacy from anyone, much less her ex. Cat disposed of the discarded bandages and gauze after completing her tasks and finally met Ellie's eyes. A thousand memories of the dark, almost black, eyes storm through her thoughts. It feels familiar and yet somehow like a lifetime ago. Neither breaks the spell, and Ellie is confused by the look Cat is giving her.

"You seem..." The dark-haired girl's head tilts ever so slightly as she pauses her remark. Ellie thinks she looks, unlike she remembers her, soft and measured. "Different" Ellie can only nod in response. Cat smiles and adds, "I'll leave you to rest." and Ellie thinks that sounds like the worst idea ever. "Umm, can you not?" Those dark eyes widen, the usual fire in them ignites. "Can you maybe sit with me? I just..." Ellie wants to say that she can't be alone, but that seems weird. That is something she would never normally say to Cat, but Cat's observation was correct. Ellie is different and too exhausted to make up any lies or excuses. Fuck it, "Don't want to be alone right now." Cat smirks, the fire cooling in her eyes as she settles in the chair next to the redhead's left side. 

It feels like Cat wants to speak, maybe ask what happened, but she doesn't. Ellie wants to talk too, but can't make herself say what she wants to get off her chest. "You look good, Cat. It seems like you are doing good." "Well, you look like death, Ells. What the fuck?" They both chuckled. It was the first time Ellie has laughed in almost a year. 

"I...I fucked it all up." Her green eyes clouded with tears. "Look, I don't know what happened to you, but you are here. You're home and whole." Ellie glances at her left hand––hardly whole. Cat appears to notice Ellie's distraction but continues. "And sometimes shit has to burn so you can start over." It is the most profound conversation the two of them have ever had. Neither one of them were good at sentiments or expressing them. They both preferred to avoid emotions by any means necessary, which is likely why their relationship had mainly been physical without much attachment. Those days were carefree and frankly a welcome distraction in Ellie's life. Until suddenly, one day, Cat wanted more to both of their surprises. This conversation felt reminiscent of that moment in their lives. Back then, it was too much; now, it is not enough. 

  
"Hey, kiddo." He sounded so much like Joel, she had to look again to make sure it wasn't him, and she wasn't dreaming. "Hey, Tommy." Her eyes tried to avoid making contact with Tommy's bad eye, feeling responsible for his permanent injuries. Looks like Abby took a piece of both of them. The events of the last couple of years had taken a toll on him, and with his injuries sustained from Seattle, he now looked so much older than he was. "You really had us scared for months, and now you come back and make this grand ol' entrance scaring us even more." She smiled at the familiarity of the accent but stopped when a dark thought crept into her head. He didn't know. Tommy watched the change in her face closely. "Tommy," she started in a raspy, weak voice. "I... I didn't kill her. I could have, but I didn't. I'm sorry. I know I promised. I know I failed you…" She was blurting it out, like pulling an arrow from herself, fast hoping that it would be painless. It wasn't. 

Tommy looked her dead in the eyes, tilting his head slightly and replied, "good." She took a deep breath letting a single tear fall from her eye onto those soft sheets. "I'm glad you didn't. I couldn't have lived with myself if you had. It was my hate that pushed you, the grief that was eatin' at ME." His hand gently knocked on his chest with a dull thud. "It wasn't your burden to carry, and I'm so sorry." His voice was cracking. "Joel would never have wanted you to destroy yourself like that. That's why he saved you." Ellie couldn't choke back the sobs. "He loved you." He grabbed her trembling hand as they both cried.

Tommy did not cause her thirst for revenge. His visit to the farmhouse had only dredged it up sooner than expected, reminding her that the dark void inside her would always need to be fed. It had been swallowing all the good things in her life since Riley and became ravenous after awakening in the truck heading to Jackson. The happy life around her was just delaying the inevitable. Her family, her life with Dina and JJ, was something Ellie knew she both didn't deserve and couldn't sustain. Those words failed her at the moment, but she eventually needed to find a way to tell Tommy the truth. For many hours of her journey, she wondered if Dina would hate Tommy forever. It was a thought that made her push herself to make it home sooner. With Jesse and now Ellie gone, Dina needed all of the love from family and friends possible. Dina couldn't afford to have even one less person in Ellie's absence. It was that fact that made it easy for Ellie to bypass the farm, already feeling Dina had left to return to Jackson without seeing it for herself. The farm was their dream together. Dina would never stay there without her, and Jackson was the only apparent haven.

  
Later that afternoon Doc Denton stopped in to check on her. "Hi there, Ellie. Welcome back." Doc had always been sweet to her. All those times, Ellie had to get patched up from one thing or another she was thankful to have someone she trusted as much as herself with the wounds. "Hi, Doc. Am I mess or what?" Ellie was surprised at the hint of sarcasm in her reply. For not having spent much time with people over the last year, she was pleased to have so naturally said something that was so, well, so Ellie. "Let's see. You have a couple of infections, the one from the wound in your side is the worst." Ellie's hand reached down to feel the bulky bandage over the area. "We had to remove a lot of necrotic tissue from there, but we think it is under control. The scar it will leave will be pretty bad, though." Ellie just shrugged. "The deep burn on your left hand and those missing fingers weren't much of concern for us. They aren't fully healed, but you seem to have kept them clean. The new cut on the palm wasn't deep enough to need stitches either." Ellie made an incomplete fist under the covers, her missing digits aching as they had been since they were ripped from her. The Doc continued. "You have a severe kidney infection, the worst case of trench foot I have ever seen, several cuts that required sutures, 91 stitches in all, to be exact. You are severely malnourished and underweight, and you have a sprained left ankle. So you know, not too bad." She cracked a smile as Ellie chuckled. 

  
Cat made another appearance that evening, bringing by some food on her rounds. Ellie was sick of the broth they had been forcing her to eat five times a day, her appetite begging for more. "Catrina Malia Inoa Pualani, did you cook something for me?" Ellie knew using her full name would signal she was teasing. Cat frowned. "Ellie Williams, I don't fucking cook. I picked that up from the Bison for you, but now I regret doing something that nice since you think it's okay to call me by my full name. A fucking thank you would suffice." They both laughed a little at their ongoing inside feud over Cat's disdain for her full, ridiculously long name.

The tattooed woman dragged the chair near Ellie's bed as she sat up to dig into her meal. "I am glad to hear you sounding more like your usual smartass self. You freaked me out the other night, Ells." Ellie chewed a chunk of potato from the stew and exhaled deeply from her nose. Real food was terrific, and she promised never to eat canned shit again if she could help it. After stuffing herself enough to calm her appetite a little, she built up the courage to have a conversation with her ex. "Seriously, though. Thanks for everything." Cat nodded and rose from the chair. "Wait. Um...did I have...well, did anyone else come to visit me while I was out of it?" Ellie winced at the question, scared that it was glaring who she meant by "anyone." Of course, it was, who else was clearing missing? Cat's response in the form of a head shake wasn't just confirmation of what Ellie already knew; there is more behind it. Pity? Frustration? No, it looked like disappointment. Before Ellie can ask what the gesture means, Cat is gone.

  
That night Ellie had a difficult time sleeping. Doc ordered her to remain in the clinic doing physical therapy for her hand and torso and getting her weight up. Still, she was already restless, and her sleeping patterns were fucked since leaving California. The nighttime had proved to be the best traveling time during the first part of her journey through the deserts' debilitating heat. It wasn't until she found the solace of the mountains in New Mexico that she could sleep in the darkness. Her first night in Albuquerque, Ellie considered staying indefinitely. Something about being on the same patch of earth that Dina walked had brought comfort. Ellie felt like everything about that land was magic, as if some supreme being had molded Dina directly from its red clay and brown dust. The connection to that place was the most intense positive emotion she had felt in years. Everything felt close to the love of her life and yet far enough away to be safe, a sanctuary to find the way back to herself. It had pained her to leave, but New Mexico wasn't home; it wasn't Dina or JJ. 

Up until Ellie decided to leave Albuquerque, she wasn't entirely sure she could bring herself to make the walk back to Jackson. As the darkness grew quieter in her heart, the real pain of her losses was exposed, like an unhealed wound, and it terrified her that she was, in fact, finally alone in this world. Her plan when leaving California had been simple and admittedly a little stupid. Head to New Mexico, maybe die on the way, or when she arrived, maybe stay indefinitely and start over, or move on. Regardless, she just knew she could not stay in California and could not bring her feet to carry her back to Wyoming. That familiar restlessness was crawling through her veins now, stuck in a comfortable place, but longing for her family. The journey was not complete.

As her strength and personality started to return, there was so much she feared would never come back. Pieces of her, she was afraid, were lost forever. Maybe she didn't deserve them anymore, perhaps she never did. Those thoughts made her recovery difficult, and she just kept thinking about her and Joel's cheesy motto, "Endure and survive." She just needed to keep moving forward, the same way she had from Boston to Salt Lake, from Jackson to Seattle and home, from the farm to Santa Barbra and from there finally back home again. That was what she knew, moving forward. Her early days in Jackson and then the farm were places where she tried to stay still and tried just to exist. But that could never work while she still had miles to log inside. She always had things she needed to find in those voids growing inside her. Now those voids were shrinking in her forward progress, and she wanted to keep moving once more, this time back towards herself and the things she loved.

_"You go, I go." It was the first time Dina had said those words, and they had just slipped out in her frustration. Ellie was avoiding eye contact as she unpacked her backpack on the floor of her apartment. Dina wasn't so much mad as she was hurt that Ellie disappeared for weeks out of nowhere. All she knew was that one morning she was gone, that afternoon Joel was gone too, and Cat had started a crusade to drink every bottle of liquor in town single-handedly. Things between her and Ellie had been different ever since Cat came into their lives, and Dina was resentful. Jesse had noticed the change in Dina after Ellie and Cat became less subtle in their flirting, and it was unsettling for both of them. Their relationship was suffering under the strain of it. That was bad enough, but when the redhead disappeared, Dina became a bigger mess. It drove a firm wedge between her and Jesse. He didn't understand Dina's violent insistence on trying to leave Jackson to go after Ellie even though the two girls had been avoiding one another for what felt like months. But now Ellie was back, and Dina wanted answers. Not so much as to where she went and why. Dina knew her best friend well enough to know she would never get that out of her. But instead, she wanted to know why she didn't talk to Dina about whatever was going on. Why she didn't give her a chance to help?_

_"Did you hear me? Please stop what you are doing and talk to me, Ellie." Ellie rolled her eyes and looked up from where she was sprawled out on the concrete floor. Her jade green eyes felt empty, and the cold in them made Dina shudder to her core. "You can't follow me around everywhere forever, Dina. You have your own life, your own problems, your own relationships for fucks sake" The words slashed Dina through the heart. How could Ellie not notice that this was the only relationship that mattered to her? She considered running out the open door behind her, but she sensed that her best friend was projecting some other hurt onto her. Ellie was a master of keeping people at arms distance, and Dina worked hard their entire relationship to close that gap as often as possible. At that moment, Dina regretted disappearing from Ellie's life for those months that she couldn't seem to handle the idea of her best friend with Cat. Now in the grand scheme of things, it seemed foolish and wreckless. Just because she was jealous, Ellie almost ran out of Jackson and never came back. "I don't want to hear it, Ellie. I said what I said. You go, I go. End of story."_

Dina walked out the front door into the cloudless early afternoon and scoffed at the day's beauty. Frustrated that the sun still rose despite the hole in her heart, she hurried towards the daycare to drop off JJ. Susan usually picked him up after her early morning garden rotations, so Dina could work late if need be. Dina was trying to force herself to try to get back into her routine, if only for JJ's sake. There were responsibilities now; she had someone else counting on her other than Ellie. But that didn't change the fact that she was upset at herself for not keeping her promise to follow Ellie around everywhere, forever. It wasn't that Dina didn't adore JJ or love being his mother, but some wild part of her soul longed for the other half of her in a way that split her in two. Her biggest fear when Ellie left was that she could never be whole again, and her son would suffer for those missing pieces.

The morning Ellie walked out of their life had been one of her most heartwrenching moments. That included the loss of her mother and sister. She tried not to think about those deep wells of pain, but Ellie had ripped the scab off of everything when she walked out that door. It was no secret that Dina was pissed at Ellie, but she was furious with herself more so. Why had she told her that she couldn't do THIS again? What the fuck was THIS? It surely wasn't their relationship, or love, or even the waiting and uncertainty. No, THIS was her inability to recover from losing yet another person she loved. The reality was that she wanted to go with her, to protect her, to make sure she didn't completely lose herself in those voids. The moment the door clacked back against the frame, Dina regretted not telling Ellie how she felt, how she had always felt. But those were things she needed to protect. Needing someone that much was terrifying when they were falling so far away from you.

Two days after Ellie's departure, Dina packed up what she knew she could carry and slung JJ on her chest. The trek back to Jackson was so much harder carrying a squirming child. Every time he fussed or cried, Dina's hand shot to her handgun in her hip holster. Luckily they had made it to Jackson before sunset. Once inside the gates safely, she went straight to Jesse's parents and told them she was back for good. Her heart didn't have the strength to explain why and where Ellie was, but thankfully they didn't pry. After a week, she returned to the farm with a few other townspeople to pack up and bring everything she wanted back to Jackson. The farmhouse was her dream of their future, and she had decided not to need that anymore. What if it was really gone, if Ellie was really gone?

Combing through their life together was heartwrenching. Anything that conjured up too much from her was forced into boxes and ushered upstairs into Ellie's old studio. Dina couldn't even bring herself to step inside since Ellie left. But that pain, that ache in her chest still couldn't prevent her from keeping a few of Ellie's things. After clearing the home, she left a set of clean sheets and Ellie's pillow on their bed. At the time, it felt stupid, but later she was thankful that if Ellie came back there, maybe she wouldn't assume Dina had cut her out of her heart completely. Perhaps she would know to come to Jackson. 

The guilt at leaving Ellie's life locked behind that door miles away from Jackson often made her lose sleep, but there was too much history in those items to surround herself with and still be able to function. Even the stuff she brought with her was hard to look at. Those remaining items, what she hadn't donated or put in storage in Ellie's old apartment, they lingered around Jesse's parents' house like ghosts. Dina mostly kept her distance from those things, now even more so. Everything in her life had been tainted, touched by Ellie's memory, and she struggled under the weight of those fingerprints.

Once back in Jackson, Dina never discussed Ellie or the circumstances of her departure with anyone. Thankfully no one dared ask. She knew most folks were aware that Ellie went after Abby again. Dina left everyone guessing about the current status of their relationship. She preferred that the full truth wasn't out. No one could ever know how the uncontrollable darkness deep inside the redhead drove the two women apart. The town's residents had noted the change in Dina. She no longer involved herself in Jackson's social circles, preferring to keep busy working and spending her free time with her son. Most people thought it was merely her adjusting to being a new mom, but in truth, Dina couldn't handle the pain of doing anything without Ellie. Being back in Jackson, where they met and fell in love, was painful when one half was missing. 

Over the last year, Dina fought to occupy her thoughts and escape her crushing emotions. Having Jesse's parents, Robin and Susan, to help with JJ made it easy to fill her days with shifts and busywork. She primarily spent her days at the electronics shop, picking up where Eugene had left off fixing various things around town and scavenged devices from patrols. When that work ran out, there were always volunteer shifts to pick up at the clinic, as long as she could avoid Cat, of course. They never said no to extra hands, and she had patched Ellie up so many times she was practically a nurse already. Then there were the patrols, but only when she felt she needed them. Today was one of those days.

Maria barely looked up from what she was reading on her desk. "Maria, I need to go out on patrol today." Maria's office near the front gate of Jackson was sparse. She kept very little there and only had it as a place to spend her days on rare occasions they weren't jam-packed with leading the community. "Dina, it's too late. Patrols are already out for the day. Besides, are you sure you are in the right mind for that after the other night?" She sounded annoyed with Dina's request. "Then let me just go out on my own and patrol near the fence. I can ride the perimeter or something." Maria didn't stir. "Dammit, Maria, please!" Dina never lost her temper like that. Her tone surprised even herself. "Dina, what is this? Is this because of …" But the look in Dina's eyes must have startled her. "You can go out tomorrow. Okay?" "Are you going to have the Doc shoot me up with something to calm me down again? "Dina stormed out into the now growing heat of the afternoon furious.

After leaving Maria's office, Dina found herself in the Tipsy Bison. Sure, there was plenty she could have done with her day instead of this, but her need to numb those feelings overtook all of her usual coping mechanisms. So what if this respite was chemically induced? 

She sat at the bar as the lunch crowd slowly filtered out. Shannon, Seth's youngest daughter, approached her from behind with her arms full of plates. "Hey, Dina. I'll be right with you." Dina was irritated by the happiness in her tone. So matter fact. The tall blonde took her place behind the bar, wiping her hands dry on her apron. "What can I get for you?" The two women had been cordial many times before. Shannon was four years younger than her, but Seth had always kept tight reigns on his youngest, especially when it came to the "dykes” in town. Dina always wondered if it was because he sensed maybe she had inclinations of her own? It was hard to ignore the way Shannon seemed so infatuated with Ellie. "See those pint glasses?" Dina pointed to a stack of pint glasses behind the bar as Shannon turned briefly and nodded to acknowledge. "Fill one of those motherfuckers with bourbon." Everyone knew not to fuck with Dina when she was after something, and Shannon complied with her ridiculous request.

As the glass wained to half-empty, Shannon took a moment to break the awkward silence in the now empty bar. "So, I uh. I heard Ellie was back." The barkeep barely looked up from her task of wiping down the bar. There was not enough alcohol in the world for this conversation with Seth's fucking daughter. This fucking child who followed Ellie around for years, worshiping the ground she walked on. Dina knew what the question was probing for, and she paused, pondering how she would destroy the curvy blonde's pretty face after finishing this drink. "Yup." was all she could muster as she swirled the iridescent liquid in its oversized glass. "Well, I am guessing you two aren't… I mean, I don't want to pry, but uh are you two like done, DONE?" Dina's eyes buzzed in her skull at the question. The alcohol in her body was setting her veins on fire. When Dina drank past a certain point, there were two options of what she wanted to do, fight or fuck. And the latter wasn't what she wanted from this girl. Dina threw back the rest of the glass, tried to stand from the stool, and stumbled, steadying herself with the bar's edge. There was a moment when she thought she might still attack Shannon, but she turned and wobbled out of the bar instead. 

Her vision blurred at the edges as she stumbled down the dusty streets. She felt sick to her stomach, but not from the liquor. The intentions behind Shannon's query were twisting her insides. Because Dina couldn't build herself up enough to see Ellie in the clinic, there was a genuine worry that someone else, like Shannon, would fill that void for the green-eyed woman. Maybe Dina needed to swallow her pride, quell her fears, and visit her girlfriend. Or was she her ex? Fuck was she even her best friend anymore? Her inebriated mind suddenly remembered that Cat had started taking shifts in the clinic a few months back. Maybe Ellie was recovering in Cat's arms now? She lurched forward on her knees in a patch of grass and passed out under the alcohol-fueled paranoia of Cat touching Ellie.

  
Giant raindrops fell heavy on her head, jolting her from her drunken slumber. It was that cold monsoon season type of sudden rainstorm that happened in the mountains. Fat drops, coming from nowhere and leaving just as fast as it appeared. The grass around her sprawled out limbs was soaking already, and it smelled amazing. The sky was dark gray, and she could tell that sunset wasn't far away. As she rolled to her side to push herself up, she recognized where she was. "Fuck” She was passed out in front of Ellie's old place. This was the last place she wanted to be, and the panic at the thought of someone in town or even worse, Ellie seeing her was immediate. 

She stumbled out the back gate into the small wooded area behind the property. The bonfire pit was a few yards ahead in a clearing hidden amongst the trees. Dina stopped upon reaching the clearing and took a seat on her favorite log surrounding the fire pit. The fat drops collided with the ash in the hole, creating puffs of smoke on their impact. The lingering smell of fire made her nostalgic for better days.

Old memories poured through her head. Her last bonfire was the one before the dance; before that night when everything changed. It felt like her and Ellie's conversation on this log that night was the start of some crazy, cruel twist of fate. She started to wonder if she knew then what would happen, how painful it would all be, would she do it all over again?

Dina's thoughts switched to how Ellie looked being carried through Jackson's gates a few nights prior. Everything about her was different. In the seven years Dina had loved her, there had been so much change in Ellie, and yet none of it ever felt like she was coming up for air. She always felt like Ellie was drowning more, right in front of her. That night at the gates had felt different. Perhaps that was what made Dina react so erratically. The look in her emerald eyes was haunting but decidedly different than anything Dina had seen in all those years she had gazed into those eyes. Running her cold hands across the log's wet bark, Dina nervously considered that Ellie came back, but the old Ellie was left somewhere on her path home. The fear of still loving this woman who perhaps was no longer the same person she loved for so much of her life was making her choke. And worse, what if this meant Ellie no longer looked at Dina the same way? Those dark fears dropped on to her shoulders like the rain from the trees above. 


	4. Be what you're becoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie is released from the clinic and recounts more of her journey to an unexpected person.   
> Dina is paranoid about what, or better yet who, Ellie wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Tsunami Bomb's 20 Going On...

_“I don’t want to lose you.” The words spilled out of Ellie’s trembling mouth with surprising ease. Every fear she ever had was bubbling at the surface of her bruised and battered skin. She had never felt more raw and vulnerable in her life, and she hated it. Even around Dina, she never wanted to be weak; she never wanted to need anyone; she never wanted to love too much. You hold on to something like that hard enough, and you begin to need it to live. Better to avoid that crushing heartbreak that inevitably came with those attachments. It was how she protected the most precious piece of her, her soul. Losing Joel had stolen a part of it, and she was desperately trying to fill its place with anything. Hatred, revenge, anger. She had just beaten someone to death in a desperate attempt to get what she thought was necessary to fill that hole. Instead, losing some of her humanity was overwhelming her, dragging her further into darkness. She remembered hacking at David in Colorado, losing herself in the shower of blood. Nora had felt no different. She remembered never feeling the same after David. Nora was no different._

_Ellie felt Dina’s breathe on the base of her bare neck. It was not comforting, just a reminder of what she stood to lose. She was terrified. What if Dina couldn’t love this lesser version of her? What if she noticed the monster she was becoming, desperately trying to fill those voids that grew with every feeble attempt. Dina deserved so much more than Ellie. That had always been the truth, but tonight she was afraid Dina would know it too. Especially when the father of her child, an admittedly great guy and amazing friend, was waiting in the next room to give Dina everything Ellie couldn't. Stability, a family, unconditional love, all of himself. There was no doubt that everyone Ellie had loved had left. It was only a matter of time for Dina._

Dina was gone. Ellie was home, and Dina was gone from her life. This was the reality for almost a year now, one that Ellie had pretended wasn't the case all the way to California. It was easier to think about dying while being bolstered by the delusion of this bloody revenge being partially for her family. It made the cause nobler in her head, willing her forward with each deadly step. She knew it was a lie. The mission was selfish, only about her greedy emptiness, and now there were repercussions. 

Dina had not returned to the clinic to see her. Ellie felt responsible for what had happened to her mother, Riley, and Tess. And worse, she knew she had pushed Joel away. But this time, this was the most painful, regretful thing she had done in her short fucked up 21 years. The two people who stuck with her the longest, the two that tried so hard to make her love and open up, Ellie had pushed them both away. Now one was dead, and she was dead to the other.

Ellie had spent a few weeks in the clinic, recovering to the point where she could be released. Cat helped keep her on track and snuck her extra food often. Ellie had even started doing calisthenics, trying to build her deteriorated muscles back. Despite that, Dina's absence was detrimental to her recovery, to say the least. It was hard to stay motivated to live and move forward with an explicit confirmation of the life that awaited her outside the clinic walls. She wasn’t sure what to do next––if she should even stay in Jackson or not. Where would she go if she left? How could she be so close to Dina and not be with her, not be around her, not be able to hold JJ? As anxious as she was to get out of this drab clinic room, she was terrified that she would have to find the answers to all these questions outside its doors. 

  
Maria came to visit the day before she was going to be released. “Hey! You are looking good. You have color back in your cheeks, and you put on some weight. That’s good.” Ellie tried to fake a smile. Her anxiety so consumed her over the future that she couldn’t fully appreciate that she was, in fact, starting to feel like a human being again. Maria sensed the hesitation and added, “So. Where do you want to settle here? I mean, you are staying, right?” Well, here was the first question she had to answer for herself and now Maria. “I… I think I have to stay. At least until I get better. “ She damn sure didn’t want to put herself in another situation like she had in Santa Monica. 

After taking the small boat down the coast from the nightmare of The Pillars, she stumbled on a small peaceful community set up on the old Santa Monica pier. They offered her shelter and food as thanks for helping so many of their people escape the Rattlers. They provided her basic medical care for killing the brutal slavers, but to get the antibiotics she desperately needed, Ellie traded her new silenced machine gun. She could have stayed indefinitely to recover with that kind of credit, but Ellie was hatching a plan to find her way somehow forward. She rushed to leave instead of taking her time to heal in the new community's relative safety. It was almost a fatal mistake, one she would not repeat again.

“Well, I am certainly glad to hear that. I know a lot of other people in Jackson will be too.” Ellie was annoyed with the implication in that statement. Did Maria mean Dina? And how would her surrogate aunt even know what Dina wanted? If Dina still cared about her, why hadn't she come to see if she lived or died? Part of her wanted to ask if Dina had moved on. In Ellie's mind, that was the only logical reason why Dina had not checked on her. Or perhaps it was true, Dina never loved her at all? Maybe she clung to her so tightly after Seattle because Jesse was dead, and Dina was afraid of being alone, raising a child alone. Ellie was trapped by her current anxiety. She may have to move forward alone, and the thought stole the air from her lungs.

“So, where do you want to stay?” Ellie couldn’t even stop the words from spilling out as she thought them. “How about Joel’s old house? If it isn’t taken, I mean.” Fuck it; it's time to move forward for real, she reasoned. Maria’s eyes grew warm, an expression that didn’t often grace her face. “Of course.” She thought to herself, that was easy, one step at a time like her feet carrying home from Santa Barbra. Just stop overthinking shit and fucking live already.

  
The next day Ellie was released from the clinic. The early afternoon sun was harsh on her eyes after being indoors for her extended healing time. Summer was settling into the valley, and the day was already pretty warm. It felt bizarre to be back behind the safe walls. The streets were filled with memories, and the struggle to avoid being overwhelmed by them was only outweighed by her paranoia at bumping into anyone she knew. She quickened her pace to avoid any unnecessary conversations or attention, if possible. 

Ellie eventually made her way down Main Street to the Tipsy Bison. She had been craving some “bigot” sandwiches. For all his flaws, Seth’s place sure did have the best steak sandwich she had ever eaten, and she had been craving it for months now. Besides, Ellie needed a distraction, maybe a drink, before confronting what surely awaited her in Joel's house. 

Stepping into the bar was like stepping back in time. Everything felt familiar, and it put her at ease, the smell of wood and whiskey mixed. The bar was empty as it awaited the lunch rush in another hour. No one was behind the bar when she took the seat directly ahead of the door. Music lightly humming from the back. Since when does Seth listen to hip hop? 

Ellie was about to yell Seth’s name when a stunning blonde emerged from the dark doorway behind the bar with a box of stacked pint glasses in her bare arms. “Shannon?” Ellie couldn’t help but notice how much she looked like the women in those bathing suit magazines they had in Santa Monica. “Ellie? Oh my god.” She almost threw the glasses on the floor before swiftly coming around the other side of the bar to hug Ellie. Ellie had known her since the blonde was a kid. She was always trying to sneak off from her father’s watchful gaze to hang around Ellie, and aside from her awful taste in music, everything Shannon liked she got from Ellie. 

Shannon’s hug was tight, too tight for her aching body. It was also something else. Awkward? Desperate? No, it was uncomfortably lingering. Shannon dug her face into the crook of Ellie's neck, and Ellie had to stop herself from reacting when the blonde inhaled deeply and sighed into her red hair. “I heard you were back and almost went to visit you, but I didn’t want to piss off Dina or, well, overstep, I guess.” Ellie’s ears shot up at the mention of the name. Why would Dina have been pissed at anyone visiting her when she didn’t even bother to show up herself? What had she told everyone? 

“You grew up on me, Shannon.” Ellie was already doing mental math in her head. It had been about four years since she last saw her; since before Joel was killed. Seth had redoubled his efforts to keep his youngest daughter away from Ellie and Dina after the incident at the dance that fateful winter, so the blonde girl wasn't around to follow Ellie everywhere like usual. On top of that, Ellie had been caught up in her own world so much that she didn't have time to pay attention to anyone or anything else. 

She could feel Shannon’s grin on her shoulder. “It’s been a long time Ellie, too long. But hey, let’s catch up. Let me get you something on the house.” Before Ellie could decline, Shannon disappeared through the same doorway she appeared in. 18, whew Shannon was 18 by now or at least close. Ellie felt a little better gawking over her, but there was still guilt. 

Shannon came back with a plate piled high with a giant sandwich and a fancy bottle. “Steak sandwich darlin. And, the good stuff. Single malt whiskey.” Ellie smiled at her. “Thanks! I can’t pay for it, though.” Shannon scoffed. “How about we figure that out later. Now tell me, Ellie Williams. Where have you been?” The question was genuine and frankly disarming. Ellie had assumed everyone in town knew what happened when she left the farm. She just figured Dina told everyone about her desertion, her thirst for revenge, and what a monster she had become in her brokenness. Ellie swallowed the first bite of her sandwich. It was better than she remembered. “I was in California, then New Mexico, and finally back here.” She didn’t want to get into details, not on an empty stomach, at least.

“Wow! Did you get to see the ocean and Hollywood, where they made all those movies?” She had so much childlike naivety in her. It was cute and reminded Ellie of her younger self when she was still innocent. “I saw the ocean.” Flashback to her hands diving into the soft sand under the waves, desperately searching for her mother’s switchblade as her wounds filled with the tiny granules. “And the Hollywood sign from a distance.” Flashback to her creeping for miles through Beverly Hills, among the eerie, giant gated homes to avoid the massive horde she could hear all the way from downtown LA. “That is so cool! But why did you go to New Mexico?” 

Ellie got the idea on her last night in Santa Monica while sitting on the edge of the pier watching the sunset. It was beautiful but had nothing on Jackson. Maybe it was the company she usually had when watching Jackson's sunset and not necessarily the view? That’s when she remembered Dina telling her one summer sunset, “The sunsets in New Mexico are amazing. They are the most beautiful I have ever seen.” Ellie thought she was full of shit, but now, she had to see for herself. Maybe she could find a piece of Dina there, some solace. Besides, staying in Santa Monica didn't sound appealing and she damn sure wasn't ready to even think about returning to Jackson. It was a silly idea that she had regretted more than once on the road there. 

“I… I had to see the sunset from there.” Flashback to her swimming across the muddy Rio Grande in darkness to avoid the Raven's patrols. She shrugged, taking a swig of the pleasant whiskey swirling in her glass. Shannon looked confused, but her blue eyes still sparkled as they searched Ellie's. “Oh, okay. Didn't take you for such a romantic darlin. Well, tell me. Was it worth it?” Ellie nodded, looking through the blonde into some unknown distance. It had been worth it. To know she saw something that no one else in Jackson except for Dina had seen. It was a privilege. “They have mountains out there that turn pink in the sunset. Pink mountains.” She trailed off. Shannon was now leaning toward her from across the bar, hands folded under her chin, supporting her deep gaze. “Wow. It sounds beautiful. What else did you see?”

Ellie recounted her trip through Arizona's deserts, the giant cacti she often used for shelter from the oppressive sun. She made sure to leave out the suffocating heat and lack of water in that hell hole, preferring to recount the trip's more beautiful moments. The tranquility of the small mountain ranges in Eastern Arizona. The river along the outskirts of Phoenix that was her oasis after miles without water. The vast empty spaces and skies that gave way to the mountain ranges and volcanos that flanked Albuquerque. 

"I stayed at this farm on the outskirts of Albuquerque, near the river. They grew lavender there, and you could smell it for miles." Shannon's eyes fluttered close as she tried to picture Ellie's memory. "I guess they have been growing it there since before the outbreak. It was a strong community, like ours." Ellie purposely omitted that part about this being the community Dina had grown up in or how the Raven's threatened and terrorized them frequently. "And the food they had there. It was nothing like what we eat here. They put chile peppers on everything, so good but so hot." Ellie chuckled about the first time she tried their chile and almost choked on the heat, her lips turning red and burning despite her wanting more. Shannon asked lots of questions about the food. The blonde always loved cooking and was damn good at it. 

Next, Ellie explained how she stood in the middle of four states at once and then about the beautiful people she met in the Navajo Nation. Those were tender memories, and Ellie recounted them slowly and lovingly. She talked about the red deserts and fantastic rock formations throughout Southern Utah before stopping her stories at Salt Lake City. There was nothing she wanted to discuss or frankly remember from then on in the trip home. 

It felt good to talk about the beautiful things in the often dark journey home. Cat didn't ask anything about her whereabouts, and she didn't want to talk about these things with Tommy or Maria. Shannon's crystal blue eyes were the perfect sounding board for remembering all of the healing that took place during her path home. There were no expectations, no history between them muddying the waters. It felt nice not to have to try; it was clean. 

  
_“She called me her girlfriend, D!” Dina thought her eyes might roll out of her head and onto her lap. Ellie was too excited about this horrifying news for her liking. I mean sure, she was still with Jesse not even a week ago before calling it off, yet again. But why was she so bothered by the thought of Ellie with Cat? Dina had already admitted to herself that she had a crush on Ellie. Anything more than that was too hard to face at the moment. Now her raging jealousy at the sight of her ecstatic best friend was making her confront her true feelings. It was infuriating. “And you want to be her girlfriend?” She tried to hide the distaste in her voice. Ellie shot her a glance that Dina knew meant she had picked up on her revulsion. Both girls knew Dina hated Cat. She made that apparent when Cat showed up at a bonfire, drank too much, and ended up draped all over Ellie, begging her to come get a tattoo because she would “look hot with one.” Dina had narrowly avoided breaking the tattoo artist's pretty nose, only stopped by Ellie, who seemed genuinely terrified of the Polynesian girl's overt flirting._

_Now, Dina knew that this meant she had lost her chance at so much with Ellie. She would never be her first kiss, her first girlfriend, her first, well, first. It made it so hard to be around Ellie. She knew deep down what was between her and her redheaded best friend was more profound than anything Cat could give her, but even just a physical fling brought out the worst doubt in her. That was something Dina was not used to living with. She could have anyone she wanted in Jackson, but what she wanted now was painfully out of her reach. Of course, she ran back to Jesse that night. He was her most unfailing distraction for her feelings about Ellie. But every time Jesse touched her, all she could think about was Cat’s hands, lips, eyes, and body on Ellie. If only she could stop dreaming about Ellie, she would be fine._

Dina had been residing in the borderlands. Teetering between actively trying to forget Ellie and wanting to remember everything there was about her. As precarious as that had felt, this new state was even worse. She was fighting with wanting to fall back into Ellie’s arms and wanting to protect what she had left of her broken heart, the pieces of which felt fragile in her chest. What would happen if she let her go? Could she even move on? Dina tried to picture herself loving someone else. The thought was revolting. Maybe she would just grow old alone, pouring herself into JJ. Who was she kidding? She knew that wasn’t an option for her; she needed to loved, held, kissed, touched. And besides, what would Ellie do? Would she move on with someone else? 

Cat shot to the front of her mind; the brash, cocky bitch would surely go after Ellie. It had been clear after Dina kissed Ellie at the dance for the first time that Cat was upset. The last time Ellie had interacted with her was at Joel's funeral. The tattooed girl had made a ridiculous scene, trying to be overly supportive of Ellie and hanging all over her instead. It was a desperate last-ditch attempt to win the redhead over, something she had been working on since Ellie disappeared two years earlier and broke off whatever was going on between the two. Ellie was too broken to push her away, and Dina let it slide because she knew Ellie needed all the love and support she could get. Besides, Dina and Ellie hadn't even discussed or defined their relationship before the tragedy. 

Cat kept her distance after their return from Seattle. Dina suspected it was because people were afraid of the three survivor's emotional states. Clearly, some shit had happened in Seattle, and everyone in town found it uncomfortable to interact with Tommy, Dina, and Ellie. In fact, the entire town kept their distance, only coming around after JJ was born. Soon after, the new family was leaving Jackson for the farm. But now, Dina had been in Jackson without Ellie for months before Ellie returned. Cat was likely caring for the redhead in the clinic at this moment, not missing that Dina was nowhere to be found. Dina knew Cat would sense the blood in the water, and worse, she wasn’t the only one.

Ellie had become some odd cult hero in Jackson. It could be because Dina didn’t discuss with anyone the circumstances leading up to her departure, letting Jackson's residents assume Ellie’s quest for revenge was heroic. Joel and Jesse were both loved and revered in the community, so anyone seeking to avenge them was celebrated. While no one ever asked Dina about Ellie, they would often say things like, "Ellie is such a badass." or "You are so lucky to have such a fierce survivor and protector at your side." That was part of why Dina had spent so much time staying busy instead of inserting herself back into Jackson's social scene, in which she used to thrive. Dina's silence on the subject for the months leading up to Ellie's return, coupled with her avoidance of the redhead, would get the town talking. It was apparent the two women were on the outs. Not to mention, now that Ellie was home, it was only natural that people would want her attention, and the thought of that made Dina frantic. Ellie had always been Jackson’s best-kept secret. She was extraordinary in more ways than one, and that secret was out.

Instantly, Dina had a hazy memory of Shannon asking about her “status” with Ellie during her bourbon escapade. What in the hell did she want with that? I mean, she had followed Ellie around since she was a little girl, and childish crushes aside, she was a grown woman now. Idol worship isn’t… “Fuck!” 

All of this was complicating shit further for Dina. If she was honest with herself, all she wanted was to be with Ellie again. But that meant dealing with the possibility of losing her once more. With Ellie, it would never be safe. She was sure her heart couldn’t live without her again, but worse, Dina was worried that she couldn’t live with her either. Dina had promised herself to never doing anything in her life halfway after Jesse, and the thought of only loving halfway, only trusting just enough, spurned her more than the idea of Ellie with anyone else. Both of them deserved more, and she knew that. Would Dina have to let her go for real this time? 

Now she felt an emptiness growing inside, and it was scaring her. She felt herself slipping down that dark hole of negative thoughts. Feeling trapped, spiraling out of control. “Keep it together, Dina.” She was trying to reassure herself that it all would be okay. Following her heart was always her true nature, but now her heart was firmly in a headlock. All she could manage at the moment was to find out how much time she had before being forced to untangle herself from all this turmoil. Paranoia was a natural emotion to throw her energy into; it sure beat depression. Dina needed to know if there was any threat. 

  
Walking down Main Street, she avoided eye contact with the other people on the street. She didn’t want to talk to anyone but the blonde bombshell behind the bar, and she needed to do it before she lost her nerve. Rounding the corner of the covered porch, she was trying to plan out what she would say. How the fuck do you ask another woman if she wants the love of your life without looking like a crazy jealous bitch? That was precisely what she felt like, a crazy jealous bitch, and it left a bitter taste in her mouth. This was not the Dina she knew and certainly not the one Ellie fell in love with.

The sky was already burning orange as she stopped to muster some courage near the front door. Another bar patron exited suddenly, forcing her to jump out of the way of the door. She could smell the whiskey from inside and hear laughter and… that voice. Ellie was in the bar already. “Fuck!” Panic rushed through her. She ran to the window on the side of the building and glared through its dark, murky glass, straining to take in the scene for herself. The figures in the low light of the bar were challenging to make out. She caught Shannon’s shape behind the bar leaning over too close to the patron in front of her, the blonde's laughs reverberating through the window pane. The noises made her eager to plunge through the window and choke the younger girl when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“A little creepy, even for you, Dina.” Cat stood with a shit-eating grin on her face in front of her. If Dina could have shrunk into the wooden deck's cracks, she would have gladly oozed away. She was caught by the one person she did not want to see right now. “I’m just fucking with you.” She laughed. “So you know Ellie is back, right? I mean, not like you came to check on her the whole time I took care of her and nursed her back on her feet." Dina's gut wrenched in guilt. "She inside?” Cat's eyebrow shot up as if she already knew the answer to her own question. Dina couldn’t respond. Her rage, jealousy, fear were creating a deadly mixture. When did she become this crazy person? What was the cause of this new fragility in her? “Fuck Ellie!” she spat, wishing she believed it as much as she was trying to sound. “Oh. Well, okay then. It’s like that?” Cat was twisting the knife in her more. 

Dina had always thought the Polynesian woman would do anything to break her and Ellie apart. She tried when they were still just friends and would have tried again had they not left Jackson so soon after JJ was born. “You know she is in there with Shannon, right? That little girl always did have a thing for Ells; we both know that. But I guess you don’t care, huh? Fuck Ellie and all.” Dina was ready to kill her with her bare hands, but she didn’t want her to know she still was in love with Ellie. Cat would just use it against her. “Well, I am going to go spend the evening staring into those gorgeous green eyes. Night Dina.”

“Ridiculous.” She thought to herself. “I know where I stand with Ellie.” But the truth was she didn’t any longer. Every memory with her best friend slammed into her at that moment. All of the "harmless" flirting she did, intending to fluster and toy with the redhead, stung her heart. Why did she play with her heart for so long? There were clearly other women who would love Ellie and follow her everywhere. It was clear that Cat was devasted when Ellie broke off their, whatever it was, yet the tattooed woman still cared for Ellie, doing something Dina couldn't bring herself to do. Cat had watched Ellie love Dina for years, and she STILL adored her enough to put that shit aside to be there while Ellie recovered. Meanwhile, Dina couldn't even bring herself to step inside the same bar as her self-professed soulmate. It dawned on her that maybe she didn't deserve Ellie, perhaps she never did, which was why things turned out the way they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shouts out to Los Poblanos in Albuquerque for the lavender farm reference. The "Pink Mountains" are the Sandias that run on the eastern edge of Albuquerque. All Green Chile everything!


	5. You held me in, I ripped you out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie begins to recognize that she has other options in Jackson.  
> Dina witnesses something she would rather not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The Moxy's Step Down

_“It’s not like you have to choose between being alive and being close to people.” Ellie was trying not to read too far into her assertion as they scrambled across the slow-moving river and dilapidated vehicles. She knew Dina had been hanging on to that comment for a long time. It was no secret between them that Ellie had issues getting close to anyone. What Dina didn't know was why Ellie avoided it. Losing her mother was relatively painless in the scheme of things. She was too young to understand what she was missing. Losing Riley was a whole other matter, one that planted the idea in her head that to survive, she would have to avoid needing anyone else ever again. Joel's sudden presence had complicated that mission until he fucked it up by lying and ruining her life. But after coming to Jackson, Ellie was having to grapple with other people wanting to be close to her. Each person she met and grew to care for in the community made her inadequacies glaring._

_In truth, Ellie felt like a coward. For all of her bravery in this world's most dangerous situations, she was a fragile mess inside. So tender, the weight of all her armor made her feel more and more empty. She felt weak without a gun in her hand. Behind the walls of Jackson, without the blood and death, she felt exposed. But worse, now, in Dina’s presence, she felt weak, and while part of her wanted to lean into that, she knew it would spell the death of her. Everything she had lost up to this point would have been trivial compared to losing Dina._

During the almost year-long journey back to Jackson, Ellie had thought a lot about getting close to people. Of course, she wanted to start with Dina, but when the dark-haired woman neglected to show her face in the clinic again after that first night, Ellie reasoned that perhaps that opportunity was missed forever. None-the-less, opening up and growing close to people was something she knew was the missing piece she had yearned for when she found herself alone and afraid of death on the road home. Living life and being happy meant being open, and that was what Joel wanted, for her to love and be loved in return. Ellie reasoned that after losing Riley, Sam, Joel, Jesse, and now Dina, she was in desperate need of friends. If only to learn how not to fuck it up. That is how she found herself in the Bison, choking back single malt liquor while regaling Seth's daughter of exploits from her trip.

Shannon was leaning over the bar, focused on Ellie’s stories. She was laughing, maybe too much, but it felt nice talking to someone after so long. The fancy whiskey bottle was already getting low, and Ellie felt more relaxed than she had in a very long time. “Those motherfuckers had motorcycles, Shan. Joel said he and Tommy once rode some across the country, but to see someone actually riding one...” She paused to remember Henry and Joel's conversation so many years ago in Pittsburg. 

"But weren't they loud?" Ellie sipped the last of her glass, grunting before answering. "So loud. They drove through the city in these pre-planned routes, just slow enough to catch the infected's attention. They would lead them into these spike lined pits in the road with boards wide enough for the bike's tires to cross. Every night those crazy fuckers would light those pits on fire to get rid of entire hordes at once. It was smart, but the smell." Ellie grimaced as she watched Shannon refill her glass, never breaking eye contact. It was only in that break of the conversation that Ellie noticed the blonde's gorgeous blue eyes drinking her in. Not a typical interested look, something more, way more. Well, this was getting awkward.

"So that's where you were all this time? Riding motorcycles in Albuquerque?" The joke only partially tempered Shannon's question. "Is that what kept you away from all of us who love you here in Jackson?" There it was. Ellie had been trying to fill every awkward silence with things that would keep the conversation away from this exact topic. Ellie busied her mouth with the liquor in her glass, gulping back the inevitable. Shannon's gaze was heavy on her, searching for anything hidden behind her reaction and unavoidable response. Guilt washed over her. She was failing someone, again. Before she could stutter out an answer, the bar's door flew open, and a familiar voice saved her.

“Who said you could be drinking while still on antibiotics, Ells?” Her back tensed. As if this needed to be more awkward. Shannon stepped back from the bar and pretended to be busy doing something else. She twisted in the stool to see Cat standing behind her, and before she could even say hello, Cat wrapped her arms around her neck. Ellie hugged her back, timidly. “I am just fucking with you. You know that, right? Why so serious?” Ellie broke the hug and glanced back at the flustered blonde behind the bar, shooting her an apologetic look. “Can I have a drink with you? Wow, Shannon broke out the good stuff!” Cat gave an arrogant smirk to Shannon. Ellie tried to ignore how uncomfortable this whole thing was. Cat scooted the nearest stool even closer to Ellie’s and sat in it before opening the bottle to take a swig straight from it.

Cat was always brash, not charismatic like Dina, but arrogant in a non-joking way. For a while, Ellie was captivated by it, but now it just felt like too much. “So, what did I interrupt?” Shannon was off in the back of the bar, ignoring Cat’s smugness. “I was just telling Shannon about my trip.” It felt silly coming out of her mouth. It wasn’t a trip, like some fun thing she decided to do. “Oh, Yea? Well, she seemed REALLY into it.” Cat winked at Ellie. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Cat leaned into Ellie's ear and whispered, "How would your baby's momma feel about you in here flirting with Seth's pretty little daughter?" Ellie felt her fist clench. This was the first time Cat had mentioned Dina at all, and the question was off-putting like maybe Cat knew something she didn't?

“Hey Shannon, can I get my bill. I have to move my stuff into Joel’s old place before getting too drunk to do it. Plus, I wouldn't want to fuck up my antibiotics?” Ellie made eye contact with her ex, sitting so close her breath was on her cheek and neck. Shannon's lips parted to answer as Cat interrupted. “Put it on my tab." She waved her hand, dismissively in Shannon's direction, keeping her eyes fixed on Ellie's lips. "Come on, Ells. I bet you could use some help.” She got up, the fancy bottle still in hand, and walked out of the bar. Fuck, this just got worse and worse. Ellie waved at Shannon, who looked decidedly annoyed but mustered a weak smile and nod in return.

  
On the street, Cat strutted in front of her. Ellie used to love watching her walk away. The Polynesian girl was always trying to catch Ellie’s eyes, and most of the time, her attempts succeeded. She was thick, in all the right places, but not necessarily muscular. Her jet black hair spilled down her olive-skinned shoulders, dancing over the tattoos adorning her neck and back. Her hips swayed, always provocatively. It was hard to miss the way her ass looked in anything. Ellie was convinced she could have worn a burlap sack and still looked good. 

"Did you get new ink?" Ellie tried to play off Cat catching her watching the strut she so effortlessly perfected. "Yea, I got an apprentice. It was the only way I could keep getting more work done on hard to reach places, ya know? I have my whole back done, most of my leg..." She smacked her left hip, arching an eyebrow at Ellie, who had come to a complete stop behind her. "And a few other special places." That smirk smelled trouble, Ellie knew that much. The redhead just rolled her eyes, no blush present for once in her life, and passed Cat to continue her walk through the familiar streets. At least her present company was a good distraction for the significance of the moment.

“So you didn’t want your old apartment back? Too many memories of you and me in there, huh? Or did you forget?” Ellie was embarrassed but would never let on. Suddenly she wished to be back in the Bison, talking about the highlights of her journey with Shannon. Cat was back on her usual bullshit now that Ellie had recovered enough to leave her care in the clinic. Maybe her tenderness was just professional courtesy after all? As for her pointed question, of course, Ellie remembered. In the months they had been together, the two spent most of their time, rarely clothed, behind that locked door. This time Ellie couldn't avoid blushing.

Cat stopped abruptly under the street light near Joel’s front steps. “What's wrong, Ells? You cling to me in the clinic, and now out in the open, you don't want to associate with me? I see how it is.” The eerie familiarity of all of this was playing tricks on her mind. It almost felt like Dina and Jesse would round the corner behind them, holding hands and giggling. She was home, and it felt like three years ago. Ellie could almost hear the bad country music pouring out the windows of Joel's house and his loud voice singing to the guitars' twang. There were ghosts all around, and Ellie just wanted to be alone when she went into Joel’s by herself for the first time in so long. “I'm glad you are here, Cat. Honestly, but it’s just; it’s late. I am exhausted.“ Cat finished the bottle and tossed it across the street recklessly, smirking as it popped on the sidewalk. “Ok, Ells, you are off the hook tonight since you just got out of the clinic. But we are hanging out for real. Soon.” She leaned forward and planted a wet kiss on Ellie’s cheek before she could move. “It's not fair Shannon got quality time with you before me.”

What the fuck was going on? Here she was neck-deep in intense memories and heartbreak, and somehow Ellie was pretty sure that the two women she had come across today were throwing themselves at her. She couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe they knew something she didn’t. Perhaps it meant Dina had moved on. Panic ripped through her. What if there was someone else? The look on Dina’s face when she fell from Tommy’s horse at the gate. Or the look in her eyes when she burst into the clinic. There was pain, more than Ellie had ever expected to see in the woman she loved, and despite still looking breathtaking, Dina looked different. 

Ellie’s heart felt heavy as she made her way up the porch, the ghosts pulling at her brain. The last time she stood there, she and Dina were preparing to leave for Seattle, the odyssey that would be her undoing. And now here she was again, on Joel’s old porch where their last conversation took place. She wished she had more time with him to make things right. It was painful to be here without him. Ellie decided that today had been enough to unpack without adding the emotional toll awaiting beyond the front door to her bundle of emotions.

Ellie reached for her bag that Maria had left on the porch, groaning under the weight of her weapons and it's cargo. One step at a time, she thought to herself as she rounded the back of the house towards her old apartment. Sleeping among all the boxed up memories in there didn't appeal to her; more ghosts. She set her bag just inside the front door of her old apartment and returned to the patch of grass between the two buildings, laying on her back and positioning her overstretched arm as a pillow. Sleeping like this had become second nature. It made her feel connected to something bigger than herself. The year had been long, so much had changed, but those stars were always the same. 

  
“Ellie? Hello?” She was awoken by a voice coming from the front of the main house. The light of the morning was illuminating the dew on the cold grass all around her. Ellie stretched from her position but winced in pain, forgetting her new limitations imposed on her by the healing injuries. “I’m out here.” She yelled back to the unknown voice, brushing the grass from her jeans and shirt. Shannon rounded the corner of the house, looking exquisite for the hour of the day. 

“What are you doing out here?” Her eyes caught Ellie’s as she pulled blades of grass from her auburn hair before tying it back out of her face. “Did you sleep out here?” Ellie nodded. “Weren’t you cold? Why not sleep in a comfy bed?” Ellie wanted the questions to stop, it was too early, and she had things to do. “It's fine. I’m fine. What are you doing here so early?” Shannon looked embarrassed that Ellie sounded so annoyed with her nosiness. “I figured you didn’t have any food in the house, so I brought you breakfast.” Ellie felt bad for wanting to shoo the girl away now.

Sitting out on the patio steps, the two took in the morning with Shannon's breakfast sandwiches. It was quiet, which was what Ellie wanted at the moment. There was so much she had on her mind and walking the line of not hurting this girl’s feelings and needing a friend was difficult. “So, what are you up to today?” Shannon clearly just couldn’t wait to finish her food before resuming the interrogation. Ellie shrugged. She had a busy day she had planned the night before on the grass under the stars, but that was her business. Besides, how could she articulate it? Oh, nothing big, just you know, get my life back, figure out how to make Dina fall in love with me all over again, plot to win my family back. The usual. That would sound silly. 

“Well, I had been thinking about your unpaid bill for the whiskey and sandwich yesterday.” Ellie stopped chewing for a second and cringed at what could be coming next. “I thought Cat said put it on her tab?” “Ellie, that woman does not have a tab. She never pays. My dad doesn’t even let her in the place if he is there.” Dammit, Ellie had fallen into another Cat drama trap. She turned back around to face the street out front and shook her hands free of her delicious sandwich's crumbs. Shannon sure could cook, talk and cook. 

“Anyways, about your bill? So don’t laugh, but I have never left Jackson’s walls, not once, ever. My dad just won’t allow it, but now I am old enough to make that decision for myself, and I want to go on patrol.” Ellie shot her head around to face the blonde standing over her on the porch above. The sun lit up her eyes and golden hair. She looked like the light was radiating from her. “Why would you want that? Keep your innocence as long as you can, Shan. The things out there will ruin you.” Shannon was visibly frustrated with Ellie’s response as she furrowed her brow and crossed her arms. “Maybe I don’t want to be innocent anymore. I want a life. I want experiences too!” Ellie understood that naivety. It was the same feeling she had being couped up in Boston QZ. She knew then that no one would keep her from seeking out her purpose, and clearly, no one would be able to keep Shannon from the same. “Fine, but I tried to warn you. So what do you need me for?” Shannon excitedly sat on the step next to Ellie. “I need someone to train me. I have a lot of catching up to do, you know. And who better than the best in Jackson?” This had gotten out of control so fast. 

_“Prove it. Stay.” She knew what she was asking was impossible and selfish. She felt it before she even said the words. Coming down the stairs to see Ellie silently packing, truthfully, she had expected to see this long before. Those dark things inside the redhead had been growing, she was now only a fraction of herself, but Dina selfishly wanted that fraction anyways. She was not ready to let go, even though she knew Ellie needed to leave, to find some resolution and peace. Dina had just hoped it would happen with her and JJ, there in her dream farmhouse. It was hard not to feel like the idealized version of Ellie she had fallen for was slowly dying in front of her. Dina raced to patch the holes, never being able to keep up as new fissures opened in her girlfriend's soul daily._

_Ellie had been unraveling, drowning in something Dina could not save her from since Joel was killed. In fact, if she was honest with herself, Ellie had always been coming to this. It was what had scared Dina the most about falling for her best friend. She knew she would have to fight like hell to save Ellie from herself, and her stubborn nature would likely make it difficult or impossible. The thoughts of losing Ellie started almost immediately after she had her, and Dina had tried not to hold on too tightly. Her heart ruined that plan. She had fallen so utterly and entirely for Ellie so quickly. Now the pain of her leaving was destroying Dina. “I won’t do this again.” What she truly meant was she couldn’t do anything else to help Ellie. Not anymore. Not without losing herself further in the process. Holding on so tight was starting to drag her down into the darkness behind the woman she loved._

She was gasping for air. Her nightmare was so real, her walking the halls of the clinic and finding Ellie's body under a sheet, cold to the touch, empty. Dina felt like she had drunk too much, and her body was trying to violently expel the poison, except the poison was Ellie. She had been dealing with the guilt of not going to see Ellie in the clinic. There was no doubt that her coworkers had noticed her absence at the clinic since the redhead's arrival. By now, the word would be out, Dina and Ellie were done...or were they?

Several days had passed since her run-in with Cat, and Dina had avoided leaving the house since then. That made it easy to pretend that Ellie wasn't back, occupying the same space as her. She also didn't want to deal with people wondering or worse, asking what had happened between them. Those expectations were too heavy to pile on her already long list of burdens, but today she figured she would stop her self imposed seclusion and take JJ to the park. It was time to try to get on with living. She had also reasoned that the newly constructed park would be safe from any appearances by people she didn’t want to see; Shannon, Cat, and especially Ellie. 

JJ was stirring in his crib, and Dina hopped up to scoop up his wiggling body in her arms. “Good morning, sweet boy.” JJ was her one constant, some respite in the craziness her heart was going through. She loved being a mom, much more than she had ever imagined she would. It was so great to pour herself and her love into someone other than Ellie. Never having to feel like she was fighting to get close to another soul was a relief she hadn’t felt since she was with Jesse. JJ reminded her of his dad in that way. He was easy to love. Dina hugged him close as his hands grabbed her loose black curls. She pulled her hair back into a messy ponytail, changed JJ into some shorts, and threw on a clean tank top to get some sun on her. JJ was slung on her hip as she left the house feeling good about stepping out into the sun. Dina resolved to make today a good day.

JJ was having a blast playing in the sandbox. His giggles were making her heart soar. The sun on her shoulders made her feel a sense of hope. Things were going to be ok; she was going to be ok. Everything she needed was here inside her. She took a deep, cleansing breath and smiled adoringly at her son. Dina realized she hadn’t smiled in so long. All was right with the world at that moment. That was until she heard the laughter from around the fence next to the sandbox.

Leaning back, she glanced around the planked fence to see the east pasture had grown thick with grass. She could make out two figures grappling in the distance. One of them was laughing. “Wait, wait, I wasn’t ready. Ok, ok, I give up.” She stood, long blonde hair pulled back, her voluptuous figure was accentuated by short shorts and a midriff tank top. It was Shannon. The other figure remained in the grass for a second before slowly rising to her knees. Red hair sparkling in the sun pulled back into a tight bun. The long, lean frame was darkly tanned from the mid-bicep down and around the neck and face. She was wearing nothing other than a black sports bra and torn jeans, her even more defined abs were partially obscured by a large bandage wrapping her right side. The tattoo on her right arm was unmistakable as she reached up to adjust her bun. It was Ellie.

Dina whipped back around the fence, feeling like she was drowning once more. Ellie was out of the clinic, safe, in the clear, and yet she hadn't come running straight back to her family. Instead, she was hanging out with Shannon, just as Dina had feared. Dina knew she should wrap up JJ in her arms and leave but couldn’t make herself. This was her good day, her moment in the sun. Ellie shouldn't ruin that. That was what she told herself, but truthfully, she needed to know, watch, and see what the hell was going on.

Her mind was instantly consumed with memories of her fighting to get Ellie to remove her shirt when they would go swimming. Ever since the two had met, Dina was frustrated with her best friend’s prudence. Sure, Ellie had a reason to hide her bite when she first came to Jackson, but she was still so self-conscious about her body beyond that, sometimes even becoming flustered during their more intimate moments. And now, here she was parading around without a shirt, wrestling with this other girl for all Wyoming to see? 

Dina needed a better look but also an alibi in case the two of them noticed her. She glanced around the playground and settled on the swing set that would afford her the ability to watch from the corner of her eyes without making it obvious. JJ loved the swings anyhow. She pushed him gently to avoid the loud squeaking noise the chains would make. The extra noise would only obscure anything she needed to hear coming from the field to her left.

Ellie stood, dusting the grass off her long legs. Dina strained to hear. “Ok, go easy please, Doc Denton will kill me if I split these stitches again. “ Shannon shifted her weight to one leg and cocked her head. “Pretty sure you just kicked my ass, darlin. I think you need to take it easy on me.” Dina’s muscles burned. What in the fuck was going on? The jealousy was building up in her stomach, churning. 

“Ok, so the easiest takedown for someone your size is a hip toss. Runners and hunters will usually come at you head-on, so you need to use their momentum against them because you are smaller. I’ll show you. Come straight at me. NOT too fast.” Ellie put her arms up in a warning before getting lower in anticipation. Shannon moved eagerly, too eagerly for Dina’s liking. In one swoop, her feet where in the air, and Ellie was on top of her on the ground. Dina was fighting the urge to puke. “Ok, from here, you have them under your control.” Dina was trying hard to push the memories of Ellie on top of her back into the dark corners of her mind in which she had tried to file them away. But she knew first hand the sensation and the view the girl below Ellie was being treated to.

“Show me a chokehold?” Dina’s eyes were rolling in her head, and at this point, she had unknowingly turned her body into a spot that would make it obvious she was watching them if they had just looked her way. Her hands were barely touching the chain on the swing as it slowed to stop. “Um, ok. From behind or on top?” Her fists were clinching, nails digging into her palm. She couldn’t make out the girl’s answer but guessed she had said something when Ellie leaned forward and disappeared into the deeper grass. The seconds it took for the two heads to reemerge from the grass were agonizing. 

Ellie popped up first. “Ok, your turn. You try it now. I’ll come at you. But remember, take it easy on me, please.” She lunged forward, and Shannon grabbed her by the wrists. Instead of stepping into her body and tossing Ellie over her hip, she yanked Ellie’s wrists, pulling the redhead on top of her own falling body. Dina had seen enough. She grabbed JJ from his seat in the swing, flung him on her hip, and stopped herself from marching straight into the grass to fuck both of them up. JJ grabbed at her hair, and she calmed herself as she turned, made her way behind the wooden fence, and started home. 

So much for a good day. She hated the thoughts of what was going in the grass of that pasture. The memories of how Ellie looked down to her from above, their legs wrapped around one another. The feeling of Ellie holding her wrists over her head, using her hand to gently choke Dina in their wilder moments, how her body felt on top of her as she moaned out the taller girl’s name. Now that fucking blonde was getting treated to the same. Ellie wasted no time consuming herself with something else new and shiny. She was sharing herself with someone else, even after everything she had put Dina through. 

Dina reasoned maybe Ellie never loved her at all. It was an easy thought to latch on to. Ellie had only told Dina twice she loved her. Once non chalantly in the music store when they arrived in Seattle and the last time before she walked out of their lives. Walking back home in the heat, she found herself annoyed by the sunlight in her eyes, the same sunlight that she had reveled in just moments ago. JJ had fallen asleep in her arms, and the small snores were the only thing keeping her moving. She was broken again, wandering home, alone. Ellie had clearly moved on. 


	6. My reflection offers no apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie tries to get close to people again.  
> Dina longs to understand why Ellie avoids attachments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from CKY's Close Yet Far

_“I wanted to say sorry for running off last night.” Ellie wasn’t even sure how to start this conversation. She already had one awkward one with Jesse this morning, but this talk was the one she had been dreading since she walked out of her door into the snow. All night she had laid awake, convincing herself that what had happened hours before was nothing. It meant nothing. She shouldn’t get her hopes up. Don’t get too close. But seeing Dina in the morning's light, snowflakes sparkling on her dark black hair, she looked like an angel. Like everything a woman was supposed to look like._

_The conversation was even more awkward than Ellie had imagined it would be and that had been pretty fucking awkward. Dina seemed tense about it too, for some reason. Maybe she was embarrassed? Although it wasn’t like Dina to regret anything she did, even when drinking, Ellie couldn’t help but be worried that Dina would regret it this time. There was palpable anxiety that she would lose her best friend over this. This fucking infatuation that she had denied over and over for years was going to lead to her losing the only other person she couldn't be without. Ellie scrambled to hide how much last night meant to her. Downplaying it to salvage her friendship. “No, I’m not reading into it or anything.” She was already putting up the wall, laying brick by brick, preparing her fragile heart for Dina’s inevitable admission that she had made a drunken mistake._

Ellie was a master at constructing those walls. Since before Riley, she had learned to keep people at arm's length. After Riley, she learned to keep them even further. After her run-in with David in the Rockies, well, that made it almost impossible to trust anyone. And frankly, Joel hadn’t helped. All those times she wanted to talk about Tess or Sam and Henry, he would just shut her down. He never wanted to discuss Sarah too much either. Feelings looked like the real enemy to her after spending time with Joel. She learned that was how you survive, keep secrets, keep to yourself, keep your distance, and don’t get attached.

Part of her anger at finding out the truth of what happened in Salt Lake was what it all had meant. Joel did have feelings. He fucking loved her, and yet he lied, not just to protect her but also himself. He deprived her of knowing that he loved her. That was the hardest thing for her to let go, but it was also his greatest lesson. It had been so easy to hide how she felt from everyone for so long. Joel almost died with all of that bottled inside. If not for their last conversation, Ellie might have never known otherwise. 

Ellie came to this conclusion a few days ago while settling into Joel's old house. The first night sleeping on his old couch was rough. She had nightmares and flashbacks that carried over into the following days. It was hard to feel like her forward progress was stalled, but she eventually brought herself to start cleaning the house and moving some things from her old apartment. Thankfully someone had already packed up most of Joel's clothes, sparing her that painful task.

Shannon had stopped by a few times to drop off food, usually very early or late. The two women didn't chat about much other than the food and the start of Shannon's training. Cat came by a few afternoons to try and convince Ellie to help with a mural she was commissioned to paint on the town hall. Aside from those two visitors, Ellie was alone with the house's ghosts and her demons.

She tried to busy herself with setting things in the house to her liking. It felt nice to have a familiar space all her own again. Being on the road can make you forget the comfort of stopping to sit still and live. But that idle time also gave her time to think about what she didn't have. Dina hadn't made a move or shown any evidence of seeking her out. Ellie knew that she had consumed a lot of time healing physically and now emotionally. She would need to make her move soon before Dina thought the worst.

Now that playing guitar was out of the question, Ellie had to find other ways to channel her anxieties. Writing and drawing always helped, but sometimes it just wasn't enough. She set up a little target between the garage and the main house to practice with her bow. Her left hand was still progressing slower than she would have liked, but it was better than a few weeks ago when she used it last. Reminding herself of small steps in her forward progress was key to keeping in a positive headspace. Her need for physical exertion was met by early morning and late-night jogs along with pushups and squats. Having a routine made the days more manageable, but today she and Shannon were set to start training. Ellie was looking forward to getting back into the swing of the things that felt normal in Jackson. Her plan was to get back into fighting shape and request to return to patrols. 

  
Shannon waited, perched on the wooden fence at the edge of the eastern pasture when Ellie jogged up to meet her. “Sorry, I'm late. There was an unfortunate grilled cheese incident in my kitchen today,” She mumbled out of breath to the blonde sitting on the fence. Shannon giggled. "Do I even want to know?" Ellie smirked and shook her head. There had been serious banter between the two regarding Ellie's lack of cooking skills.

It was an uncharacteristically hot afternoon, and the sun was beating down on her and burning her dark black t-shirt to her skin. Ellie cursed herself for wearing black in this heat as she rolled up her sleeves, tucking them into themselves until her shoulders were exposed. “You ready to do this?” Shannon’s cheeks blushed as she took in Ellie’s now bare arms. Ellie regretted her question almost immediately as she awkwardly squeezed between the two horizontal fence planks. Just as she cleared the planks to stand, there was a tug at the back of her shirt. Instinctively she shot upwards, hearing a long rip as she stood. The shirt now hung loosely draped in torn curls around her left shoulder. “Fuck, seriously.” Shannon was cracking up as she threw her legs over the top of the fence where she was sitting. “Smooth Ellie. Really smooth.” The shirt was ruined, and Ellie blushed at the thought of having no choice but to remove it. An uneasy sigh left her lips as she pulled the torn shirt from her back and tucked the rag into her back pocket. Shannon bounded up behind her, giggling. “Well, at least you can work on fixing those tan lines.” She winked. Ellie felt a little better.

It felt good grappling and being active again. Ellie was trying to take it easy on the blonde, but she also needed to protect her still-healing injuries. Shannon had excellent coordination. Ellie reasoned she had good rhythm and was probably an excellent dancer. Despite that, the girl just had no idea how to move most of the time, requiring Ellie to stand behind her and position her limbs or feet and hands in place awkwardly. She showed Shannon the nuances of every hold, grip, and move she knew at a slow, methodical pace. It was fun to teach someone else, and her partner seemed transfixed by the lesson. While showing her a hip toss, Ellie noticed a little something else in her eyes as she pushed her weight unto the blonde girl’s torso in the grass. Shannon’s eyes were glowing turquoise in the green fields now, and they were not those of someone struggling to fight what Ellie was doing above her. 

“Show me a chokehold?” Ellie hesitated, thinking it was a little more advanced than Shannon was ready for. Not to mention the request was asked in a different tone than she was comfortable with. It made her nervous, but she tried to stick to this new idea of not second-guessing herself and getting too much in her head. “Um, ok. From behind or on top?” Shannon glared up at her and answered immediately. “On top.” It was almost a growl, and Ellie couldn’t get her arms around the girl’s neck fast enough to stop the implications in her tone.

Pressing her body into the soft skin below her, Ellie hooked her feet around the smaller girl's calves, flattening her out. The taller girl pressed her hips and shoulder into the woman below her, trying to slow her heartbeat so Shannon wouldn't feel it when their chests met. Sweat from both their bodies mingled on the expanse of bare, sticky skin. Ellie had to keep telling herself this was just training. 

Their faces were inches from one another as Ellie talked her through it. “So you flatten them out with your legs and put pressure to keep them under you with your hips.” She was trying not to get too close to Shannon's neck and ear, feeling the goosebumps building on her exposed midriff that rose and fell under Ellie’s toned stomach. “Then, you take one arm around the back of their neck like this.” She sat up a little to allow her arm to snake between the grass and the mess of blonde locks. Her eyes caught Shannon’s, and she thought she might drown in those pools. “You can keep one of their arms in if you want, or you can just try and trap it under your legs down here.” She reached with her free hand to grab the tiny wrist and glue to Shannon's lower hip before using the inside of her upper thigh to press the arm trapped into the tangled heap of their limbs. She thought she heard a slight moan from the girl under her. “You ok? Am I hurting you?” Shannon shook her head no but didn’t speak. Ellie was just trying to get through this as fast as possible. “Ok, now you lean in, putting pressure with your shoulder and grab your other arm like this. Then you just squeeze into your bicep.” Ellie could feel the girl under her breathing in time with her own chest. She wasn’t sure if it was her heart beating so hard or the girl's pinned under her. When she squeezed slightly, she felt the breath stop, and immediately Shannon’s free hand tapped her bare shoulder. Ellie popped up immediately and started dusting herself off to try and hide her flush skin. 

Now it was Shannon’s turn, and Ellie was glad to be away from her body for the moment. It felt so odd to touch another woman after being without affection for a year. But mostly it was strange that it wasn’t Dina. Ellie fought memories of wrestling with Dina before they were ever a couple. It was weird that now she couldn't remember if it felt just like a second before with Shannon under her or better. Regardless, Ellie still wished it was Dina as she lunged at the voluptuous body in front of her. Suddenly, Shannon locked her surprisingly strong hands around Ellie’s wrists and pulled the taller girl into her own body, falling backward into the thick grass with Ellie right on top of her, wrapping her legs around Ellie's hips in the process. This was not a hip toss, not even close. Ellie groaned at the surprising move. Her hands were planted on either side of the blonde’s head as she tried awkwardly not to rest her face too close to Shannon’s again. 

“What the fuck was that?” Ellie was trying to tease her at the failed hip toss, hoping it was just a bad attempt. Shannon didn’t answer; instead, those blue eyes explored the depths of Ellie’s above. She was frozen, not wanting to move in a way that would lead the girl on or hurt her feelings. Shannon’s hands moved from her side and grabbed the tanned forearms flanking her neck. Ellie’s skin burned at the touch of the soft fingertips. It had been so long since someone looked at her like that, much less touched her that way. She sprung to her feet and turned around, dusting herself off. “Um, ok, you need to practice that toss but not bad for your first crack at hand to hand.“ Shannon sat up, looking disappointed. “Are we done?” “For today, yea, I think it’s too hot to keep going. And besides, the hip toss and that choke are more than enough for you to worry about mastering. Learn those two things, and you can handle anything else. We can work on weapons and navigation next time.” There was no way Ellie was going to do close-quarters combat with her again. 

Ellie parted from the girl with a quick one-armed hug and started home to get a shirt. She didn’t want anyone seeing her like this as she walked through the streets. Tonight Cat wanted to stop by to look over the sketches for the mural the two were starting on later in the week. Ellie broke out in a jog, and as she rounded the fence past the new playground, she saw them. 

There was no mistaking Dina's figure. Ellie would know her anywhere, in any universe. Her heart jumped in her chest and her throat constricted. JJ was slung over her hip, tugging at her hair that cascaded over her shoulder. She wanted to run after them to wrap her arms around them both, but her feet didn't move. The thought of calling Dina's name crossed her mind, but her lips were stuck. What if Dina wouldn't talk to her? That fear wasn't entirely unfounded. The two women hadn't spoken in almost a year, and neither made a move to break the silence. In truth, Ellie expected never to speak to Dina again. That realization came as she wandered through the deserts of Arizona. 

  
The sun had been accosting her for days. She was sunburnt and couldn’t shed any more clothes at that point. Her eyes were burning from the reflection of the heat coming off the sand and pavement. Arizona was surprisingly deserted. She figured not many people wanted to contend with the heat and the lack of water. Phoenix belonged to the infected now, all of them blistering in the heat from perpetual sun damage and burns from their flesh touching the heated surfaces all around them. Ellie had made the mistake of tripping and catching herself with her hands on the highway only once. The burns that fall had left on her palm and fingertips were surprising. Arizona was hell, literally. 

Now she was just trying to get out of the damned desert before she burned to death. Dina had told her New Mexico was hot too, but she had also talked about snow and mountains and a river. Ellie was hopeful at the memory of Dina describing her hometown. It felt like a pilgrimage to her promise land, the place where Dina’s life started. Those images were intimate when hope for a life with her family felt as fragile as the sand under her canvas sneakers. She wasn’t sure she even deserved the opportunity to ask for another chance. Ellie wasn’t sure if she could even ever trust herself with loving again or trying to love. Perhaps she never really knew what love was in the first place, and Dina hated her for it. 

  
Memories of the sun and her guilt beating her to the ground over those hot lands was enough to solicit a retreat. Ellie ducked into an adjacent alley to make her way home; the long way. What a fucking coward she was.

Ellie made her way through the garden and stopped at the garage. After digging through boxes of her old clothes, she tossed the first clean shirt she could find over her dark brown arms. Those tan lines were like scars from her trip through herself and that desert. Her plan was to meet with Cat here. She wanted to keep her ex at a safe distance. Ellie didn't trust Cat alone with her in the main house. 

There was still time to kill, so Ellie pulled her backpack from the garage's corner and pulled her weapons from its confines. Taking the torn shirt from her back pocket and ripped some strips from it. She grabbed her 1911 handgun, last fired at the Baldwin place's windows a few weeks prior, and placed it on the old coffee table in front of her familiar futon. The weapon was a filthy mess, and she thought of all the rounds it had expended. It was harder not to think about their destinations.

Removing the slide from the weapon's frame, Ellie remembered when Joel taught her to clean her first handgun. It was like a ritual to the two of them. Any quiet moment or evening after patrols, the two would sit on his couch or hers and drink a beer while they tore down their weapons to clean and oil them. Outside Jackson's walls, these pieces of steels and wood were the only things that mattered. Sacred items meant to keep those she loved and herself alive.

Before long, she had cleaned and oiled all of her weapons aside from Joel's revolver. It had last been fired in New Mexico, taking the life of some Raven's trying to attack the community she was staying with, the farmers along the river. It was hard not to feel like Joel was watching over her with that weapon in her hand. She spun the cylinder as she eyed down the iron sights, inspecting them for any flaws. She missed the weight in her hands. 

"Well, I wish you looked me at like that." Cat had let herself in. Ellie kept her eyes trained on the weapon as she flicked her wrist to close the cylinder shut. "Seriously, Ells, is everything you do hot?" Ellie rolled her eyes as she returned the revolver lovingly to its holster. "Stop fucking around Cat, and let me see your masterpiece already."

_"Believe me, you're lucky you didn't grow up in a QZ." Ellie's words felt like a prayer; one of Dina's prayers said in thanks. Dina held her close from behind as they took in the magnitude of downtown Seattle together. She had never seen a city so large and so utterly destroyed. There had to have been millions of lives lost in this city alone. These immense structures jutting from the lush greenery that reclaimed them felt like massive tombstones or monuments to those lost lives. A giant graveyard. How many girls like Ellie were lost among them?_

_Ellie's words lingered in her mind. What had her girlfriend seen? How did she avoid being lost in the twisted concrete and steel of Boston? Like everything else in her past, Ellie never talked too much about her early life. It was left up to Dina to try and fill in the pieces. All she knew was Ellie was born in Boston. Her mom died soon after giving birth to her, and she was taken in by her mom's best friend. After that, at some point, Ellie was sent to military school to train as a FEDRA recruit before meeting Joel and leaving Boston. She really didn't even know how fate brought Ellie and Joel to Jackson's gates. Now seeing a city of this size, Dina couldn't even imagine trying to survive in a place like this. How did Ellie ever make it out? Part of her wanted to ask more, but now wasn't the time._

Dina laid in bed tossing and turning, halfway hoping JJ would wake up and need to be rocked back to sleep. She was feeling utterly alone once again. Her mind was stuck on Ellie's past. What had happened that prevented her from opening up? Dina was finding it harder not to think that Ellie was just emotionally unavailable for her. She had insecurities about that off and on for years, even before the two were a couple. After seeing Ellie with Shannon, Dina wondered if maybe it was true. Still, part of her figured Ellie built up her walls due to some big hurt that had happened before Dina even knew her.

Suddenly it became clear what she needed to do. Glancing over at the clock next to her bed, she realized it was far too early to enact this plan. A frustrated sign left her lips as she yanked the blankets over her head and clamped, her eyes shut with a newfound determination to sleep until it was an acceptable hour. Her restless sleep was disturbed by dreams of a young Ellie, wandering through Seattle QZ alone. 

Dina rose from bed at first light and stopped to check on JJ. He had recently started sleeping through the night and waking close enough to her that if she had been able to sleep, it would have been a relief. She padded down the hall to knock on Robin and Susan's door. Dina knew they would be awake at this hour, readying themselves for the day. "Dina? Is everything ok?" "Yea, JJ is still asleep. Can you handle his morning today? I am heading out on patrol." She heard Susan sigh behind the door. "Of course. Be safe." Robin answered without another question. Dina gathered her things in a rush before heading out the door.

Maria was at the stables talking with some of the hands about today's rotation and which horses to prep. She gave Dina a sideways glance. The two had not spoken since Dina's last outburst at not being allowed out the gates some days ago. "Good morning." Dina avoided eye contact, feeling guilty at her behavior in their last exchange. Maria turned to face her with a cocked eyebrow. "Let me guess. You want to go out today?" Dina shook her head no. "Well, I damn sure know you aren't here to apologize, so why don't you just tell me what you want, Dina. I have a busy morning." Dina looked up at the blonde woman and gathered herself. "I need to head to the farm, and uh, get something I left there."

After some convincing, Dina found herself atop Japan, riding out across familiar trails to the place she never thought she would see again. The thought of stepping foot into the house filled her with dread but her paranoia about Ellie not loving her made her crazy enough to embark on this recovery mission. She rode slow enough to allow her courage to build inside. Lately, that was much easier said than done.

As the treeline broke into the golden fields beyond, Dina was overwhelmed with a thousand happy memories. Had it all been just a dream? She marveled at her inability to hang on to anything or anyone she loved. 

The perimeter fence had held up well, and the property looked just like she left it. Maybe Ellie didn't stop here on her way back to Jackson? Dina unlatched the gate and rode Japan up to the front porch. The place she and Ellie would watch the sunset and sit together in silence after JJ was finally asleep. It felt like another life. Inside the house, Dina felt herself breaking down as she tried to avoid letting her eyes rest too long any one thing. Best not conjure up any more nostalgia in this place, lest it overtake her.

Dina ascended the stairs in a haze. She said a prayer for her heart to be strong enough and then turned the knob to Ellie's studio. All of Ellie was pilled into the corners of this room. How could she have ever thought that locking up these memories was enough to stop her from loving Ellie? Dina pushed the stacks of boxes away before settling on the floor in front of the worn box that had a permanent residence under the desk. She had made it this far, now just to open it.

Inside, Dina was puzzled by what Ellie kept there. A toy robot sat atop stacks of papers and books. She inspected it closely before setting it down on the floor and digging through the mess below, pulling papers and old comics out it piles. Nearing the bottom, Dina felt something between the pages of an old sketchbook shake loose before falling to the floor. Dina recognized the chain and circular pendant hanging from it. It was a Firefly pendant, but why did Ellie have one?

Dina ran her finger over the embossed Firefly symbol on the front. This group was not one that was familiar to her. New Mexico didn't appear to have any Fireflies, but she knew Eugene and Tommy were both ex Fireflies before helping Maria settle Jackson so many years ago. Dina had even heard Ellie talk about Fireflies in Boston, but that didn't explain why she had the pendant. She turned it over in her hand and read the back. Riley Abel 000129.

Her curiosity peaked, Dina reached down to grab the old journal that she had made this trip in search of. Dina tucked the book and pendant into her bag before putting the piles collected on the floor back in the box gingerly. She topped them with the toy robot. She pushed the box back under the desk and left the house without looking back.

  
The ride back to Jackson was decidedly more urgent. Dina was preoccupied with her discovery. Ellie never mentioned anyone named Riley, not in all the years they knew each other. The pendant felt like some deep secret, and finding it made Dina obsess over its significance. 

It was already well past lunch, but Dina didn't want to stop. She needed to open that journal before her conscience got the better of her. Her best friend had started writing in this journal almost immediately after they met in Jackson, or at least that was when she noticed it. Ellie always seemed to have it with her, on patrol, when hanging out, when she was just at home. It never left her side, and while Dina longed to know what was in it, she respected the redhead's privacy enough not to try and steal glances. After Ellie filled its pages, she just started another. That new journal had likely accompanied her to California as Dina did not find it in the box. Now Dina was prepared to invade Ellie's privacy for reasons she had convinced herself were just. For her own sanity.

  
After dropping Japan off at the stables, she walked around the inside of Jackson's walls towards the wooded area, obscuring the bonfire pit. A quiet place was necessary, but more so, she needed complete isolation for the invasion of privacy she was about to undertake. 

Sitting on her favorite log, she pulled the journal from her bag. It burnt hot in her hand, a forbidden book of all the secrets she maybe should not know. Her hands trembled at what she was about to do. It felt like cheating, like prying secrets from someone she loved without earning them. The thought of stealing that from Ellie made her sick to her stomach. With a despondent sigh, Dina shoved the book back into her bag, losing her nerve. She felt guilty for even considering it. Examining the pendant, she wondered if this person knew all those secrets littered across the journal's pages. Maybe Joel did? What about Cat? Shannon? Maybe Dina just wasn't worthy of them?


	7. You're all the things I've got to remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie gets a gift that helps in her healing.  
> Dina has an awkward scavenging mission that leaves her angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Ah-ha's Take On Me

_"Some folks call this thing here a gee-tar." Joel was trying to bridge that gap that had been growing daily between them. Ellie hadn't been actively avoiding him, but the nagging feeling that there was more to their swift departure from Salt Lake City was making it hard to share space with him. She desperately wanted to believe him, but now that the constant threat of minute by minute survival was gone, Ellie was fixating on the circumstances that led them to Jackson._

_Ellie had been finding it increasingly difficult to adjust to her new life, behind a wall once more. Joel seemed all too comfortable, so certain about the trail of violence that led them to Jackson. Not to mention the things only he knew about the circumstances of how Ellie ended up in the back seat of a truck still wearing her hospital gown. How was he so clear and calm about all the things he did? Nightmares of David haunted her almost nightly. She would wake in pools of sweat, screams on her lips, sure her hands and face were covered in blood. Suddenly, he had stopped being a selfish asshole and wanted to spend unnecessary time with her? It was hard not to be suspicious of his real intent behind the gift. How could anyone really love her anyway?_

Even with her suspicions confirmed, Ellie had begun to reframe all of Joel's actions after settling in Jackson. All of the time he spent with her, how clingy and protective he was. Now it was clear it wasn't about trying to hide things from her, at least not for selfish reasons. The truth was more straightforward, although not apparent back then. He loved her, and she felt like an asshole for pushing him away. How do you face that your sense of self-perseverance drove away the closest thing you had to a parent? 

It was tough to face these parts of herself. Like looking in a mirror as you watched someone point out every flaw you had. The memories of the terrible violent things she had done were still digging at her soul. What was worse, though, were the memories of how bad she had been to so many people she loved. She wondered if she had ever done something for someone that made their lives better the way Jesse, Joel, and Dina had for hers?

Joel had learned to love and let her in after losing Sarah all those years ago. He had found his way from his darkness in finding love in Ellie. She saw so many parallels in her life when she thought of Joel’s past, and craved the lessons found there. She was thankful that she got to be a part of bringing him back into the light after all those years. 

  
The knock from the front door startled her from her thoughts. She hadn’t been expecting anyone, but who knows with her recent “popularity” among the fairer sex in Jackson. She was irritated she couldn’t seem to spend a day alone anymore. Between training with Shannon three times a week and planning the town hall mural with Cat, her spare time dwindled.

To her surprise and relief, it was just Tommy. “Hey?” Ellie’s eyes narrowed in on her unexpected guest. He had a small box tucked under his right arm, and his left was outstretched, hiding something behind the door frame. “Hey, kiddo, can I come in?” “Oh yea, of course, I was just, uh reading.” Tommy shuffled past the door frame leaving whatever weighed his left arm down outside on the porch. “Well, in case you are sick of reading to pass the time, I brought you some things.” He set the box down on the dining room table and sighed as he sat gingerly in one of the chairs. Ellie sat across from him. She hadn’t sat at this table since the day she and Dina left for Seattle. 

“You want something to drink?” She had slowly started making the house her home finally. “Naw kid, I’m good. The uh, the place is looking nice. Joel would be happy you are home and safe.” He looked pained under the weight of Joel's name. She struggled against the words from his mouth too. The two of them never talked about Joel much, but she had so many questions on her mind. She almost couldn't help but seize the opportunity to get some answers finally. Instead, she just shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck. 

"I really am lucky to be back here, Tommy. It feels like a third chance if you know what I mean." He nodded once in acknowledgment, rubbing his hand over the softening denim of his jeans. Avoiding eye contact, Ellie continued, “But you know I had been kind of wondering, all those years that you and Joel didn’t talk, when you joined the Fireflies and then came out here. Wha… what happened?”

Tommy leaned back in the chair. “Well, seems like I’ll be needing that drink after all.” He smirked, and Ellie rose to the small cabinet in the corner of the dining room to grab a bottle of bourbon Shannon had brought her the day before. “Long story short, we just had to stop talking and go our separate ways, ya know." She set his glass down in front of him and sat behind the open bottle and her empty glass. "He was just ready to lay down and die, destroy himself it felt like. And me well, I reckon I wanted to find the light." The phrase also felt trite, but Ellie got the context now. She knew all too well how easy it was to let the darkness swallow you in this world. 

"I needed to live, and Joel..." Tommy took a deep breath, staring out the window behind Ellie. "He just wanted to die so he could be with Sarah again.” He stared at the glass in his hand the whole time before taking a large swig. “When he showed up at the gates of the hydro plant with you, well, I don’t know. He looked different. He was different. Not all the way back to the big brother I knew most our lives, but better, I’d reckon.” Ellie poured herself a drink now. It was hard to think that she was clawing her way through Joel's hard exterior even back then. At what point did he realize he loved her?

“You know the real shit of it is that now I know how he felt. I felt the same way when those assholes took him from us. But after I went to that farm to tell you about that girl..." He tilted back the glass and wiped his mouth to gather himself. "And then you left, and Dina showed up here…” Ellie sucked in her breath, trying to fight off tears as she braced herself for his next words. “I just realized that you had been trying to find that light at that farm with your family, same as me when I left Joel and came out here. And here I was acting like Joel had after losing Sarah. Ready to lose it all because the hurt was too much. Shit just came full circle." The realization was staggering. Patterns, fucking patterns.

"I had to find that light again. I reckon that’s what you might be fixin to do.” Ellie nodded, tears bubbling over her lower eyelids no matter how much she tried to fend them off. Tommy sniffled, but Ellie avoided looking up at him as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. That was enough, maybe too much for one day. The resulting emotions hung heavily in the air as the two of them fought off their breakdowns. Maybe everyone loses some humanity in the world? It seems inevitable, but still hard to fall victim to it yourself. 

  
“So uh, what’s in the box?” She broke the touchy silence. The box left a clear trail of dust as Tommy shoved it closer to her side of the table. “What the fuck is it, Tommy? A bomb?” She smirked, trying to lighten the mood before setting her empty glass and pulling the lid off. The inside was full of tapes, a few CDs, and a DVD. In one corner, she saw a stack of guitar picks. Ellie grabbed the DVD case first. 

“Who is Jimi Hendrix?” She observed that his guitar's stock was upside down in the cover picture of him facing a massive crowd giving a peace sign. Tommy smirked. “Yea, figured Joel hadn’t introduced you to him. He liked more country, folksy type stuff." Ellie couldn't help but laugh a little at the truth of it. It was an ongoing joke between her and Joel, his terrible taste in music. 

"That right, there is the god of the guitar. He was the greatest player there ever was.” Ellie tried to keep her eyes from looking up at him, pulling her mangled left hand under the table. “And, he was a southpaw.” “Um, what the hell does that even mean Tommy?” She was still trying not to make eye contact. Tommy chuckled. “Means he was left-handed.” Now she was getting impatient. Would he hurry up and get to the point. “And cause he grew up poor, and left-handed guitars weren’t easy to come by, he played a right-handed one." He paused, and they locked eyes. "Upside-down.” Ellie’s eyes flickered as she turned the DVD case over in her hands. “No fucking way!?” Sure enough, there he was plain as day, guitar upside down on his knees, eyes closed tightly, lost in the moment. 

“And there’s more kid. Electric guitars are easier to handle, you can turn mistakes into part of the song, and the pressure needed on the strings is a lot less to get the right tone.” He grunted as he rose and shuffled out of the room towards the front of the house. The front door groaned open, and he returned with a turquoise and white electric guitar. “This here, this is the Excalibur of guitars. The Fender Stratocaster.” His hand reached the beautiful instrument out towards Ellie. She was trembling. She hadn’t touched a guitar since she left the farmhouse, and she had never held an electric one. “Tommy, wh...” Before she could finish, he added, “You will need to find an amplifier so you can play it properly, but for now, you can start retraining yourself to play upside-down.” The tears welled in her eyes, remembering Joel giving her her first guitar so many years ago. More patterns.

This was too much. . “And what about the rest of this stuff?” She looked into the box, the Excalibur hanging from her right hand. “That there, that is the blues. The best medicine for curing life’s ailments.” Who could ever deserve this? "Tommy, I..." He reached out and touched her knee gently, and she knew what he meant without words. He was helping her find the light.

  
After helping her tune it and suggesting a few tapes to start listening to, Tommy told her good night and left before the sun was down. Ellie hadn’t felt this much like herself in a year. She set the guitar down on the coffee table and put the DVD in the player. The way he played, it was like his guitar was singing, crying even. It was pulling at her heart. Music always affected her, but this, this was something else. Her eyes were glued to the TV. When the show was done, she played it again, and again, until the sun was rising and she thought her eyes might fall from her head in exhaustion. 

  
Over the next few days, she listened to every tape and CD. The music felt like swooning, the way she felt when she thought of Dina. It was addicting and consuming. She played them over and over, eventually stopping to pause them and try to play simple riffs upside down. It was a frustrating task, but she had nothing else to do at the moment and craved the distraction of throwing herself into something so entirely. The experience was only slightly damped by not having an amp, but slowly she felt like she would be able to play again. Like a piece of her was growing back in that empty slot, filling her with comfort, she wasn’t sure she had ever felt in her 21 years. 

The next week Ellie went to the patrol office storeroom looking for the request sheet pinned to the wall. It was the place Jackson’s residents could request specific or rare items to be scavenged. She knew there was a music store not far away from Jackson’s gates, remembering going to get new strings with Joel. She skimmed over the list of requests. A basketball, red high heels size 7, skateboard… Wait. She looked at the name next to it and busted out laughing before finding the bottom of the list and adding her name and request. "Guitar amp and cable - Ellie." She wished she could go out to get what she needed on her own, but her mind and body just weren’t ready yet. At least there would be plenty of time to practice quietly before someone finally found an amp.

_“Yea, this route has its perks.” You know, like being alone with you, here looking at his view together? She doesn’t say the words, but they are on the tip of her tongue. Why does she not get the fucking hint? Dina was dying for Ellie to see that what happened the night before wasn’t some drunken moment. It was years in the making. Five years ago, Ellie and Joel walked through the gates of Jackson. Dina had spent the day in the stables, cleaning stalls and grooming the horses. She was tired, sweaty, and over the hot day. Pushing the last stall door closed was cause for celebration. The day was done, and she couldn’t wait to get out of there to hang out with her friends. She was about to dance her way out of the oppressively hot stables when she heard a chuckle from the opposite door. Dina whipped around, embarrassed someone caught her in the silly moment._

_Their eyes met for the first time. Dina couldn’t catch her breath. She had never seen such gorgeous eyes in her short life. They were massive and crystal green, like the hot springs in New Mexico. She wanted to dive into them and sink to the bottom. They were so mysterious and yet welcoming at the same time. “So, you just get to HORSE around all day, huh?” Dina was entranced, frozen, and the cheesy joke made her drop-down back to earth with a loud laugh. “That was the worst fucking joke I have ever heard.” The redhead shrugged and stepped further into the stable, touching the saddles as she glanced around. “You must be new, cause I know everyone, and I don’t know you yet. I’m Dina. Welcome to the NEIGHborhood.” The redhead stopped in front of her and laughed. “I think I like you already, Dina. Your jokes are worse than mine. I’m Ellie.” Dina never stopped thirsting for those eyes after that day._

Dina’s world had been parched since those eyes left her. She used to love waking up to them, staring at her from the pillow next to her own. Ellie loved to watch Dina sleep, and Dina loved to wake to those eyes. This morning she woke up praying that she would open her eyes to those emerald pools would be in front of her. Of course, it was like every other day over the past year. There was only the other side of the bed empty, save for Ellie's old journal and the mysterious Firefly pendant. Dina had been leaving in her bed, thinking that maybe she would awake in the night with the courage to read those pages. 

It had been about a month since Ellie came home, and Dina couldn’t figure out why the redhead hadn’t tried to find her in person to see her or JJ. She was trying not to be hurt about it, attempting to be back on her “Fuck Ellie” mindset. But somehow knowing they were walking the same streets, occupying the same space in this universe was overwhelming, like being so close to something you desperately crave only to have it remain just out of reach. In fact, that was a very familiar feeling for Dina when it came to Ellie, hauntingly familiar. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.

  
This afternoon she was set to head out on a short scavenging mission with none other than Shannon. Dina was cursing her luck at begging for a patrol the day before and getting stuck with this. Maria had insisted she take Shannon out for her first trip, and Dina felt like she couldn’t say no, after begging for it in the first place. Besides, it wasn’t like Maria had any clue that Dina was worried the blonde was after Ellie. She damn sure didn’t want to explain that to anyone, much less herself. Now Dina had to be in charge of looking out for this girl. On top of that, being in the mindset she was about, Ellie would only make this trip more awkward. 

Rolling out of bed, she stretched, staring resentfully at the old journal, taunting her to open it. She pushed that urge away and made her way down the hall to JJ's room. He was stirring in his crib, and she wrapped him up in her arms. He nuzzled into her and snored back to sleep. He had recently been trying hard to talk, making noises that seemed like he thought they were words but were just the cutest gibberish Dina had ever heard. She wished Ellie could hear it too. After packing her things, cleaning, and reading her weapons, Dina kissed JJ goodbye, leaving him playing on the living room floor with Robin. “See you later, handsome.” 

  
On her way to the stables, she started to grow anxious about the mission. Not so much worried about the dangers outside the gates, but more of the quiet moments. What the fuck would the two of them even talk about? Could Dina keep herself from asking about Ellie? Could Shannon do the same? She found Shannon at the stables saddling a roan colt. “Hey, Dina! Thanks for volunteering to take me out for the first time. I was hoping it would be someone I knew, and since Ell…” She stopped, tripping over her words. Well, this was already off to a great start. Dina grabbed a saddle from the tack room to avoid the other girl reading her reaction at the mention of her ex.

  
The two women left Jackson's gates and headed towards the old shopping center past the creek trails. Dina hated the irony of riding this route right now, with this girl at her side. It was a perfectly warm and beautiful mountain day, and the birds were singing around them. Dina wanted to pull her handgun and shot them from their perches for being so happy. 

Shannon had been wide-eyed the whole time, looking half enchanted and half terrified. Dina was just trying to hide her annoyance. “You have the request list, right?” The irritation was seeping through her tone. Shannon pulled up on the reigns and stopped, fishing the folded list out of her hoodie pocket and reaching it over to Dina, who had stopped Japan just a little ways ahead of her. Dina grabbed the list and started skimming, smirking at her months-old request for a skateboard. As she neared the bottom, she noticed the familiar handwriting. Her heart fluttered at the request next to Ellie’s name. Was she playing guitar again, electric guitar? Dina folded the list and tucked it into her breast pocket. She didn’t want Shannon to know who the priority item was for. “Ok, I think we should hit the clothing store first, then the sports store, and we can finish up with the music store next door.” Shannon nodded as the two women descended into the valley towards the old shopping center. 

By late afternoon the two women had checked several requests off the list and only encountered two runners in the process. Dina took them both out silently, not even giving the blonde the chance to contemplate drawing her weapon. Shannon had asked a few questions about the runners, having never seen one in person. It was beyond Dina how the fuck someone could grow up in this world and never see an infected. Seth kept his daughter so much under his thumb, Shannon had never left the walls of Jackson since she was born. Dina hated her naivety; her wonder at the world that Dina knew was so cruel and heartbreaking. She despised her sunny disposition and apparent lack of the grit and strength it took to survive outside the walls of Jackson. How could Ellie even consider this girl? Ellie was so much the opposite, having a hard time settling in the safety of Jackson. This girl, she was soft in all the ways Dina was not and maybe hadn’t ever been. The thought of Ellie wanting something so different, being drawn to her light, made Dina squeeze her pistol grip harder until the diamond pattern imprinted itself on her hand.

“What are we looking for in here?” Dina was hoping to avoid any questions in the music store. She was worried Shannon knew more about Ellie’s hobbies at this point than she did. “Just watch the front window.” Dina disappeared into a room trimmed in old rotting wood paneling. Rotting guitars hung from the walls. In the corner, she saw a stack of various colored boxes. She knelt to get a closer look. She selected one called Orange Crush. Opening the box and she lifted a heavy orange box-shaped speaker with a black handle from its walls. It seemed undamaged, still wrapped in plastic. At the bottom of the box was a thick black cable with a shinning gold end. Dina figured this was the cable requested. 

As she was about to leave the room, her eyes caught a small rack with straps of various widths and patterns hanging from it. She grabbed a black leather one that reminded her of the straps on Ellie’s holster and rolled it into her backpack with the cable. Zipping up her bag, she heard a struggle in front of the store. “Fuck. Dina!” Followed by six loud pops. She ran to the entrance and found Shannon standing over a felled clicker, her pistol still in her shaking hand. This dumb bitch just made so much noise Dina was confident that every infected in a 5-mile radius would descend on them. “Move! Now! We have to go.”

Dina didn't have time to strap the amp to Japan’s saddle before they had to race out of the shop center plaza. It was bouncing in between her legs as she tried to steer Japan one-handed over the debris in the abandoned parking lot. She couldn’t hear any infected behind them, so she stopped for a second to reach the amp behind her and secure it with some rope and straps on the back of the saddle. Shannon rode on ahead of her, and part of Dina hoped she would get lost and never find her way home to Jackson. 

Dina hesitated atop Japan, watching a slow stream of infected pour into the shopping center plaza just downhill from where she stopped. The stupidity of the blonde could have gotten them both killed. Dina reasoned this was a teaching moment, and she kicked Japan onward, catching up with the blonde struggling atop her horse. “What the fuck were you thinking back there?” Yelling at the girl felt unusually good. “I uh, was I not supposed to kill it?” “It? Well, IT was a fucking clicker. You could have stayed still and quiet. You could have killed it quietly. Fuck, you could have snuck back out of the store. Anything but fire your fucking weapon.”

Shannon’s face twisted and grew red. Her blue eyes turned grey. “What the fuck is your problem Dina? You have been a bitch to me since… well since Ellie came back.” Those implications sent Dina into a rage, but what the blonde had said wasn’t a lie either. “What in the fuck are you even going on about? I am pissed because you don’t know what the fuck you are doing out here. I would have been better off coming out here alone. You are poorly trained or not trained at all and out here, you know in the REAL fucking world, that can get people killed.” Dina was proud of herself for so expertly eluding Shannon’s dig about Ellie. “Well, I guess I need to spend some more time training with Ellie then.” Dina seethed, considering pulling her pistol and firing two shots into that blonde ponytail bobbing just ahead of her now. 

Back inside the gates of Jackson, Dina turned the request list back into the storeroom for Amaya to begin cataloging and distributing the items they had found. “Still no skateboard, huh?” She smiled at Dina, but Dina couldn’t even chuckle at the thought of her silly request. The anger was still building in her. Shannon wondered in with her arms full of sacks of clothes when Amaya resumed her inventory. “Oh, no way! You found an amp. Ellie is going to be so excited! I know she thought it would months before anyone had enough time or reason to pick one up.” Dina’s jaw clenched at the verbal admission to the amp’s intended recipient, and of course, Shannon didn’t miss the observation. “I’ll take it to her! I had planned to stop by tonight anyway to bring her dinner. Poor thing doesn’t know how to cook for shit, and no one else is taking care of her.” Dina marched out between the two girls and left the storeroom before she did something she regretted. 

Once she was back in Jackson's streets, she remembered she had the cable and strap still in her bag. “Fuck!” There was no way in hell she was going back to the storeroom. She contemplated walking to Ellie’s and leaving it on the doorstep of the old apartment, but she wanted to avoid any chance that the blonde would see her anywhere near Ellie’s at this point. Instead, she cut a sharp left and crossed the west pasture to Tommy and Maria’s to leave it with them. One of them would surely be a better choice to deliver it. 


	8. The start a simple touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie feels guilty about her past.  
> Dina finally makes a move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The Knife's Heartbeats (even though the Jose Gonzales version is far superior)

_“I’m scared of ending up alone.” She had never admitted that to anyone before, not even Riley. Ellie wasn’t sure why she felt like she could tell Sam. They had just met, and she barely knew him. Still, the words felt good leaving her mouth, like letting them go, exhaling a breath she had held on for so long. The truth was she had been alone so much of her life already that it wasn’t a fear of an unknown. It was the prospect of not ever knowing love, someone to love and love her in return._

_“What? I want to talk about it.” Sam and his brother Henry had been gone months by the time Ellie and Joel reached the dam. All Ellie wanted to was to talk about her feelings for once. To her, that was a big perk of not being alone. But Joel didn’t. He never did, and she was slowly learning that to survive, you needed to avoid attachment and feeling. Love was out of the question, and so the very thing that she had told Sam she was afraid of the night before he turned seemed to the be the surest way to survive, at least based on this new fucked up “Code of Joel.”_

The realization that she hadn’t always been so guarded was a relief to her. She had learned to shut other people out, and honestly, she thought it was the best way she could live in this world. It made her life in Jackson far more complicated than it needed to be, however. There were so many secrets, and most of the people behind those safe walls had started to live normal lives, forging normal relationships that probably were built on normal things, like trust and honesty. Ellie figured that Cat had been the first real casualty of that and her guilt was heavy. She worried she had hurt the older woman so many years ago. 

Part of trying to right that wrong consisted of Ellie helping Cat with the mural on the town hall wall. Cat insisted that she could use the extra help, but Ellie saw it for what it was. Cat was a fantastic artist already, this was clearly a ploy to spend time together, and of course, Cat would shamelessly flirt with her as usual. 

  
The sun was already beating down on her exposed neck as she climbed the scaffolding with another paint bucket. “Come on, Ells, what happened to all those muscles.” Cat was already fucking with her, and it wasn’t even noon yet. “I left them in the desert, I guess, but I’m working on getting them back.” She didn’t have the will to verbally spar with the older girl today. 

The mural underpainting started to take shape, a giant stag standing proud flanked by geometric shapes and foliage, anchored by the town’s name in beautiful script. It was a really striking piece. Ellie always loved Cat’s art. She used to love laying on her bed with the dark-haired girl, the two of them pencils and sketchbooks at the ready, drawing whatever they were feeling at the moment. 

At that time in her life, she thought Cat was the perfect and obvious choice for her. The girl never pried, never wanted to talk about feelings or their past. She loved art and music. It seemed like they were made for one another, and Ellie felt lucky Cat expressed interest in her in the first place. Ellie had never considered having a girlfriend. Aside from being worried she couldn’t because she was technically infected, she also didn’t want to deal with getting to close someone again. But if she was really being honest, she was happiest with just having Dina as her best friend. She used to picture the two of them moving into a house in Jackson together when they got older, spending their days laughing and getting into trouble. It wasn’t quite a relationship, but it didn’t matter to her, as long as Dina was in the picture. 

“Ok, Ells, where are you right now?” Cat had noticed Ellie’s hands had stilled over a line she just pulled across the brick building in white paint. “Huh? Oh! Just thinking about lunch, I guess.” She tried to play it off. “Yeah, sure.” Cat seemed dissatisfied with her lie. “So tell me, Ellie, what are your intentions?” Ellie was always taken aback by her questions, but this one was odd, considering she was just reminiscing about Cat’s lack of prying. “Um, intentions for what?” She avoided looking at the girl to her right as she wiped a shaky line from the wall with the bottom of her shirt.

“Well, you are eligible, are you not? You know, on the market again." Fuck, here it comes. Ellie tried to physically wince. "And it doesn’t seem you and Dina are even friends at this point. In fact, I didn’t tell you!” She sounded almost giddy. There was no way this could be good news. “I saw her outside the Bison the other night I found you in there chatting up that homophobe’s hot daughter. And she said, and I quote ‘Fuck Ellie.’ So yea. What are your intentions?” The words spilled from her tongue so effortlessly it made Ellie angry. Their effect on the redhead was so painful, how could anyone so readily let them loose into the air? But there it was. The way Cat made it sound, it was like Dina gave her permission to pursue Ellie again. All Ellie could do was shrug and go back to trying to pull straight lines with her newly trembling hand. 

An awkward silence came over them, broken only by the music pouring from the radio below them. “Well, I was thinking. When you were mine, I never took you on a proper date.” Ellie felt the urge to jump from the scaffolding and run away to avoid this conversation. Her eyes focused in on a detail in the bricks, fixed like she was targeting it through the scope on her rifle. “So how about you let me try to win you over again?" Oh my god, fuck, fuck, fuck! She could feel Cat's gaze piercing into her side as she tried to busy her shaking hands with rearranging the paint cans at her feet. "You know, you never gave me a real shot, right? It wasn’t fair. Besides, what have you got to lose?” 

Cat had a point. She hadn’t given her a fair chance, and Ellie felt remarkably guilty about it now in retrospect. Back then, there was too much going inside her, and she needed space to breathe, to find the truth, to figure out why she was so depressed. On top of it all, Dina had all but stopped talking to her after she and Cat got together. Ellie remembered feeling alone and empty. At first, she had thought Cat would fill that void enough, but she was wrong, so wrong.

“I mean, you did kind of use me for sex if you think about it and bailed the second I wanted shit to get deeper. That was pretty fucked up, so I would say you at least owe me one proper date.” Ellie visibly cringed. It was the truth. 

The two girls had been consumed with one another physically for months, and Ellie enjoyed the distraction from anything more intense. It was hard to have conversations when their mouths were so preoccupied. Ellie had been struggling against what she had grown confident were Joel's lies. As her emptiness grew, she took to filling her days with physical activity, both during work shifts and in her apartment with Cat. It made everything bearable until one night in the heat of the moment, Cat pulled Ellie’s face from between her thighs to glare into her eyes and whispered, “I love you, Ells.” Ellie had panicked. “Thank you?” was all she could get out before continuing with the task at hand. Neither of them brought it up, and Ellie left for Salt Lake without any explanation the next evening. Cat never knew why, and Ellie never explained after she came home. 

  
“Cat. “ The paintbrush was hanging by her side, dripping paint in a small puddle near her feet. “It had nothing to do with you. Me leaving. Or us…” Cat stopped painting and looked Ellie in the eyes, the saddest, most sincere look Ellie had ever seen in her ex’s face. “No. It had to do with her. It was always her. I just wasn’t Dina.” Ellie felt awful. Sure, part of it was Dina, but more of it was she just couldn’t get close to anyone, not while her fragile relationship with Joel was crumbling. “I’m sorry, Cat.” 

The rest of the day had been awkward, working in such tight quarters. Ellie tried to make small talk, but Cat kept her answers short and barely uttered more than one complete sentence when discussing the mural's details. Ellie knew she needed to do something to repair this relationship, but she wasn’t keen on what felt like an ultimatum from the older woman. Go on the date, or Cat would think she was a horrible person who just liked her enough to fuck her before running off with another girl and then starting a family. 

  
Painting was getting complicated in the waning light, and Ellie had started to hammer the lids of the paint cans back in place as Cat descended the scaffolding for the day. They had made good progress, the general fills, and some details were in place. Cat backed up to see it from a distance. “I think I can handle the rest on my own. Thanks.” Ellie knew this would be their last conversation ever if she didn’t act fast. “Ok.” She stood to face Cat. “Ok. See you around, I guess.” Cat was looking past her to start counting the stack of empty cans. “No. I mean, ok, ok. I’ll go on a date with you.” The second the words left her mouth, she regretted them.

Cat smirked, “Don’t let me force you or anything. “ Ellie rolled her eyes. Now Cat was just fucking with her, wanting her to beg. “Catrina...” Ellie considered using her full, full name for emphasis, but she was too peeved to recite it at the moment. “Don’t fuck with me. When do you want to have this date?” Cat moved into her space with such quickness, Ellie was reminded of their first kiss. “You can only call me Catrina if you are moaning it.” She winked. Ellie wanted to run out of her shoes. It wasn’t embarrassing; it just wasn’t something she ever pictured anymore.

Only then, she caught a glimpse of a small figure approaching from down the street, walking in a hurried pace, fist clenched at her side. The way her body moved, her hips, her stride. Ellie’s breathe caught, and her heart fell from her chest. She turned away from the street and stepped forward towards Cat, trying to hide from Dina. Cat’s eyes widened as she started to laugh once Dina had passed. “Well, speak of the devil.” Luckily Dina had been so preoccupied with something else that she didn’t even notice the two women on the side of the building. Ellie's heart was pounding in her chest. It was like this fucking stupid universe sent Dina down that street at that exact moment to remind her of who really owned her heart. Date or no date, Dina held the strings. “So about that date. How about tomorrow night?” Ellie nodded yes out of pure instinct and continued acting busy. In truth, her brain wasn't even working anymore.

  
After stacking all the empty cans and cleaning the brushes, the two women turned onto the street. Ellie a little more cautious than Cat, checking in both directions for signs of Dina again. The started down Main Street towards their homes, stopping under a street light where their paths diverged. “Ellie, hey!” Both women glanced down the street to see Shannon half running, lugging a large, bright orange object towards them. Ellie glanced at Cat in her periphery. Cat already looked far too amused to be thinking anything good. 

“Hey, Shannon,” Ellie answered back. The blonde was dirty and more tanned than the last time she saw her a few days ago. She was out of breath, with a backpack awkwardly hanging off one shoulder and the large orange box hanging from her opposite hand. “Look!” She set the orange box at Ellie’s feet. “An amp!” Ellie’s arms shot out at the object. “No fucking way? Where did you get this?” Cat crossed her arms over her chest at this point. Ellie could almost feel the heat burning off the dark-haired woman. She was clearly annoyed, and maybe jealous? Shannon took in Ellie’s excitement and returned it. “Scavenging.” Ellie was confused. How was that possible if the two of them had only been training together for a couple of weeks? Cat grabbed her shoulders before she could inquire further and spun her around, so their eyes met. “Good night, Ells. See you tomorrow.” And she planted a firm kiss on Ellie’s surprised lips before sauntering off in the other direction.

Shannon and Ellie both stood motionless under the street light. “Well um…” Neither woman knew what to say. “Yea, so thank you, Shan. Um, but did you say you got this scavenging? I don’t get it. You aren't ready for that yet.” Shannon looked away at Ellie’s query. “I have my ways.” Ellie’s head cocked to the side as her brows furrowed. “You could get really hurt out there or worse, get your partners hurt. You aren’t ready. How did Maria even let you?” She reached down to scoop up the amp and start home, Shannon following right next to her. “Kind of told her you were training me.” Her voice was soft and innocent. Ellie waited for the rest of the story. “And maybe she got the impression it meant you had taught me everything I needed to know.”

Ellie couldn’t help but smile into her own shoulder. It sounded like something she would have done when she was younger. “Well, don’t do that again. I'm serious, Shan. Either Maria sent you out with someone great, or you guys got lucky. “ Shannon wound her arm through Ellie’s, weighted down by the amp. “She did send me with someone good. It was Dina.” Ellie stopped in her tracks. “Oh, and uh, how was it?” Shannon’s fingers traced over Ellie’s elbow as the distance between them grew. “I have no idea what her problem is with me, but she flipped out because I took out a clicker. “ Ellie was pretty sure that wasn’t enough to piss Dina off, but who knew. Dina did have a temper, and who knew how much she had changed in a year. “So, did you grab a cable with this thing?” Shannon looked confused. “Um, no, I guess not.” Her answer made it pretty clear to Ellie, who had actually retrieved the amp.

  
_“You should have kissed me then.” Dina meant every word of it. She had been waiting for Ellie to make a move for so many years. From the moment she laid eyes on her, Dina had felt drawn to her. The pull increasing in intensity as the years passed. Indeed, the setting wasn’t all either of them imagined to be experiencing the “honeymoon” phase of their new relationship. But Dina was happy to just be with Ellie, even if there was so much trying to pull them apart. In moments like this, Ellie’s vulnerability, particularly when so much was on the line outside, was something Dina craved. It meant she was closing that gap between her and the person she loved most in the world. She wanted nothing more than to break those walls Ellie had so vehemently assembled to keep anyone from getting too close._

_“I wanted to.” Ellie was finally showing her some of what she felt. Dina had struggled with knowing the truth of Ellie’s feelings for her since, well, since forever. She didn’t want to press the issue now that Ellie clearly needed support more than some clingy girl begging for attention. Dina was certain her time would come, and this relationship could be nothing but perfect in its imperfection because it was the two of them. In the middle of this horror, she felt pure love surrounded them both. Had things been any different, she would have wrapped Ellie up in her embrace and smothered her with kisses. But now wasn’t the time._

Dina awoke from a dream about doing just that. It was always so hard when she was jolted awake from a dream she desperately wanted to stay in forever. She could almost feel Ellie next to her on those mornings, which honestly was practically every morning. It was like living with a ghost that she only saw in her sleep. The urge to see Ellie in real life was mounting.

The night before, Dina had stopped by Tommy and Maria’s intending to leave the cable and guitar strap with them to deliver to Ellie. Instead, she left more confused than she had been since Ellie arrived back in Jackson. Maria offered her to join them for a drink on their porch to discuss the mission earlier. Dina told her about Shannon’s inexperience and asked never to be paired with her again. It was an easy out in Dina’s mind, one that didn’t reveal the real reason why she wanted to stay away from the blonde. Maria apologized and filled Dina in on why she let the girl out of the gates in the first place. “She told me Ellie had trained her, so I figured she was up to the task, and Ellie was vouching for her. It was screw up on my part Dina. I’m sorry.” 

Of course, Ellie was training Shannon. That was clear from their romp in the east pasture a few weeks back. But what Dina really needed to know was why? Ellie didn't just get close to people or hang out with someone unless they were friends. Hell, unless they were Dina. Throughout their entire friendship, Dina forced Ellie to connect with her and others. She often wondered if Ellie would have ever left her bubble if Dina hadn't forced her to. Yet, now she was training someone?

Dina knew that left to her own devices, she was no closer to understanding Ellie's feelings or to sharing her own. She was just as alone as she had been for the better part of a year. Except for this time, she could at least try to do something about it. Sure, it could mean coming to terms with some painful truths. But at this point, Dina had lost herself so much in the what-ifs; she was doing uncharacteristically irrational things. Her work was suffering, she had no other close relationships, she spent less time with JJ, and her mental health was in free fall. It was time to stop the fear.

  
Heading up Main Street, she could hear music coming from the side of the town hall building. The song was familiar. Sick Habit. The memories of these songs on repeat while the two of them just laid on the bed and listened flooded over her. She thought about how much she wanted to kiss Ellie in those moments. To take her chin in her hands and tell her she was in love with her. To show her how badly she wanted her for so long. The gesture was simple enough, but the circumstances surrounding it were always more complicated than that.

Dina walked on towards the music but stayed on the opposite side of the street. As she approached, singing could be heard. The voice sent a shock through her spine and out her fingers. How she loved that singing voice. Ellie hated singing in public, or at least she used to. But for Dina or JJ, she had no fear. Why was Ellie on Main Street signing so loud? 

Dina had expected to have some more time to walk all the way to Ellie’s old apartment, and frankly, she needed it to plan what she would say. Now she didn’t have a choice. Stepping into view of the scaffolding, Dina finally spied her on top, singing her lungs out, paint all over her exposed arms and clothing. Her hair was tied behind her head in a messy tangle. She looked so alive, so happy, so different. Dina watched her from across the street, mesmerized at how she moved the brush against the wall, paint trailing down her forearm in long white streams before falling off her elbow and dropping near those canvas sneakers she loved. 

It was hard not to notice how much more weight the redhead had put on. Her muscle was returning, more visible than before. Ellie had lost so much weight at the farm and even more on the road, it was good to see her looking the way Dina remembered before the last two years happened. It felt almost like nothing had changed like maybe Joel was just on patrol with Jesse, Ellie was still just that adorable brooding artsy type, and Dina was still struggling with being in love with her best friend. Her feet left the sidewalk, her mind planted firmly in the past. 

Ellie didn’t notice the raven-haired woman approaching from her left. She was caught up in her own world, belting out the last notes of the song spilling out of the speakers below her. The track ended as Dina came to a stop at the corner of the scaffolding. Now or never. “Ellie?” Her voice shook both of them, Ellie wheeling around on the boards above. “D…Dina?” 

Their eyes locked in a deep stare. Dina was bewildered, stuck to her spot on the sidewalk. Ellie held the brush at her side, the paint dripping off it onto her precious sneakers. There was too much being exchanged in that stare for either woman to make a move. The next track had started, but Dina couldn’t hear anything. Every nerve in her body was shaking, and there was a noticeable pull from deep in her abdomen. It felt like a magnet pulling her to the woman above her. She became aware she was biting her bottom lip as the feeling of seeing the woman she loved spread over her like a heatwave. 

Ellie bent, never breaking their stare, to set the brush on the planks below. Dina’s heart pounded at the movement. She took a deep, shaky breath trying to collect herself, but her knees felt weak as Ellie slipped through the bars and slid down the scaffolding, dropping gently onto the ground in front of her. Dina wanted to close the distance immediately, her hands feeling wildly empty without Ellie’s body under them. Still, neither woman moved. Just then, Cat rounded the corner carrying a stack of more paint cans. “We are almost out of yellow, Ells.” Her presence broke the trance. 

Dina turned to meet Cat’s confused glare behind the stacked cans in her arms. Ellie still didn’t move, never taking her eyes off the shorter woman. Dina could feel her gaze burning into her. “Well, look at this.” Cat tried to hide her obvious shock at seeing Dina in the same space as Ellie. “Nice of you to drop in and admire our handy work.” Dina was too overwhelmed to deal with Cat’s verbal assaults. Without answering, she took her bag from her shoulders and dug into it, pulling the cable and strap from the main compartment. Her eyes stayed fixed on the items in her hand as she reached them out towards Ellie, the proximity made her muscles twitch. 

“You probably need these.” Her voice was shaking. Cat rolled her eyes, huffed, and turned to leave the scene with a stupid grin on her face. Ellie moved forward, and Dina wanted to drop the items from her hand and retreat. It was too much, far too much. Ellie’s hands shot to the sides of her tank top and wiped downward to remove the wet paint. All Dina could think about was how it felt to run her hands down those flanks. Her breathing became labored. Ellie reached out with her right hand under Dina’s outstretched hand but quickly brought her left to rest over top Dina’s wrist. The touch jolted Dina. She shot a hurried glance at Ellie’s green eyes and broke it instantly to see Ellie’s mangled left hand over top hers. She wanted to move, the contact was making her swoon, but she couldn’t. 

“I… uh.. thank you, D... uh Dina.” Her voice was so shaky but sweeter than anything Dina had heard in her life. Dina’s heart fluttered at the realization that Ellie was caught up in the moment too. That was enough to make Dina release the items and pull her hand back, leaving the skin where Ellie’s fingers had just rested burning for more. 

“Thank you...I mean, you're welcome.” It just spilled out of her mouth, despite her desire to say something else. “D, do you think that maybe…” Her eyes shot up to Ellie awkwardly, poking her cheek out with her tongue, kicking at the ground in between them. She closed her sparkling green eyes tight, almost wincing at the words breaking free from her lips. Before she could finish her question, Cat’s voice interrupted. “Come on, Ells, we need to finish this today, and I have plans for our date tonight that involve the sunset.” The words sucked the air out of Dina’s lungs as she slung her pack over her shoulders and left Ellie stunned at Cat’s blatant sabotage. Turning back up Main Street, Dina forced herself not to look back. 

Once she was a safe distance away, she slumped to the ground, her head in her hands between her knees. Ellie seemed just as captivated by the moment as she was. But, why then was Ellie also going on a date with her ex? Did this mean Shannon wasn't in the picture? It was pretty confusing, and Dina felt desperate for some sort of validation of her own feelings. How could she be back in this place, jealous of Cat after everything she and Ellie shared in one short year? 

  
When Ellie returned from Salt Lake all those years ago, Dina had sensed something was terribly wrong with her best friend. She spent every waking moment trying to care for Ellie, working hard to try and get her to laugh and smile again. Dina could feel that Cat was out of the picture for good at that point, even if Ellie never confirmed it. But now, maybe Ellie had finally realized what Dina had feared when Cat came around to begin with. Cat was a perfect match for the redhead. They liked the same things, they had similar personalities, both could be arrogant to hide their insecurities. Cat was beautiful, tall, olive-skinned, and exotic looking, full of tattoos and sexy talent. It wasn’t lost on Dina that for a month after Cat and Ellie started their relationship, every time Dina would go by Ellie’s after work, she would be met with a locked door and blaring punk music intermingling with loud moans from within. Ellie was clearly very attracted to the older woman at one point. It was extremely likely that she could be again. And besides, Cat was free in ways Dina wasn’t anymore after having JJ.

Despite all this, Dina suspected that Cat never held Ellie’s heart. Not that she could definitively say she did either but never the less, some part of her held on to the hope that what they had shared was more significant than anything either of them would ever have with anyone else. Her tears had stopped, and her breath settled in her chest. There was no way she was giving Ellie up to Cat, not when they were younger and damn sure not now.


	9. Sorry that we're living in the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie goes on a date.  
> Dina faces her fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the Atari's Make it Last

_“She’s just jealous. You know that, right?” Ellie sensed the irritation in her voice. Cat could speak with a forked tongue sometimes, and others, the sweetness that dripped from her lips was intoxicating. At the moment, it was apparent that Ellie’s concern at her best friend’s recent icy demeanor was killing the mood for her girlfriend, but she couldn’t help herself. “Jealous of what!?” She spun around to find Cat pulling on her jeans in the corner. “You are clueless, Ells, I will give you that. But you aren’t dumb. In fact, you are the smartest person I know. She is jealous that you are spending all your time with me. I mean, you do realize that girl has something for you. Right?” Ellie scowled in disbelief. There was no way the most desirable girl in Jackson had anything for her other than their years-long friendship. There was no way Dina ever thought of her as more than a friend she liked to fuck with for laughs. Besides, Dina was unmistakably straight; her on again off again thing with Jesse had made that painfully clear. Well, that coupled with her various drunken hookups with other guys when they were taking breaks from one another._

_“Come on Cat, she doesn’t. Trust me. She is straight as an arrow, and besides, even if she wasn’t, there is no way she is interested in me. We are just friends, have been since my first day here. She doesn’t want me.” Ellie realized she was almost trying to convince herself of those thoughts that flew from her mouth. Cat was pulling her shirt over her beautiful tattoo littered body. “Ells, don’t be stupid. You are a fucking catch. I know so many other girls and fuck, even grown-ass women who find you attractive. Hell, some of them are even married. Every female is fair game for you, Ellie Williams. I know what I have here.” She pointed to Ellie. “And even if in some alternate reality Dina didn’t actually want you, which I 100% know she does, she still wouldn’t want you with me. “ Ellie laughed at the suggestion, all of them. “But that’s ok. I know how to keep your attention.” She pulled Ellie’s switchblade from the dresser and ran it, flat side down, slowly along the red head’s blushing bare collarbones. “You even think about going after that girl…”_

Cat’s aggression and forwardness was something Ellie loved about her. She liked women who pursued her relentlessly. It was how Cat had won her over in the first place. Ellie had never considered that it was easier to let women come after her than the other way around, but it was just sort of what happened because of her desire to be loved. The fear of rejection wasn’t something she had ever experienced, but it seemed close enough to being alone that she never wanted to put herself in that position. Besides, she was fine on her own, and she could count on two fingers the girls she actually would have even considered pursuing first. 

At this moment, Cat’s aggression and jealous nature were pissing Ellie off. She wanted to run after Dina to explain, but there was nothing in the exchange to indicate that Dina wanted to even see her. It had seemed impersonal, so unlike Dina. Aside from that, she wasn’t sure if maybe it was best to let Dina live her life in peace. Ellie didn’t deserve her or JJ anyhow. She could never trust herself with something as precious as those two souls, so maybe she should do the right thing for once and spare them by moving on?

“Well, that was fucking awkward.” Cat exhaled an overdramatic sigh that made Ellie want to shake her by her shoulders. Instead, she walked over to the radio and cranked up the volume. It was a subtle way of getting Cat to shut the fuck up, and she appeared to get the hint. The two women finished the mural without speaking again. Ellie preoccupied with wanting to paint over her feelings and smother the nagging details of the exchange earlier in the day and Cat smirking to her side in quiet victory.

By late afternoon Ellie was starving, but she had no desire to break the safe space she had curated between herself and Cat. Eating meant idle time to talk, which she had no patience for right now. “Hellllloooo!?” Ellie barely heard the small voice over the loud guitars and drums echoing off the buildings around her spot. She was half afraid to look back and see who made it in the first place. 

“I brought you lunch. I figured you didn’t have anything yet since you didn’t come in like usual.” It was Shannon. Ellie dropped off the scaffolding to hear better. “I haven’t eaten yet, so thanks, but Shan, you need to stop feeding me at some point. You don’t need to do all this.” Shannon looked disappointed, and Ellie could see Cat shooting lasers from her eyes into the back of the blonde’s head from up on the scaffolding. “I’ll stop when you learn how to cook for yourself. How about that?” Ellie chuckled at the thought. “Yea, the chances of that are slim.” Shannon’s blue eyes softened as she cocked an eyebrow up. “What if you take me hunting, and I teach you to prepare whatever we come back with? I think that's a fair trade.” 

Ellie hadn't been out of Jackson's gates since she returned, and the idea excited her. At least it would be away from the drama brewing in her life at the moment. She reasoned she might as well learn how to keep taking care of herself, be a real adult whatever the fuck that meant. “Yea, that sounds like a deal.” She took a bite of the sandwich. “I can come by tonight, and we can plan the trip if you want...and maybe have dinner?” Ellie cringed, trying to choke down her mouthful of crusty bread and thick steak strips. She knew she only had seconds before…”Nope. Not tonight, lover girl. She has a date with none other than me.” Ellie was seriously regretting saying yes to this date now. Shannon looked sad but didn’t let it linger in her body language. “Oh. Ok, well, maybe tomorrow?” Ellie nodded yes. She was thankful Shannon wasn’t as crazy as her date for the evening. “Ok, it’s a ‘date.’” She winked as she used her hands to pantomime air quotes before turning and leaving the alleyway. Ellie chuckled to herself, hoping Cat had caught some her own medicine over the music.

  
A few hours later, the two women completed the mural. Despite the craziness of the day, Ellie felt great about working on something so astonishing. She had a sense of accomplishment and pride she hadn’t felt in a very long time, maybe since before Joel was killed. A huge smile tugged at her face, and she didn’t even notice until Cat leaned her forearm on her shoulder to admire their work from the same angle. “Thank you for your help, Ells. It was great to do something creative with you again after so long.” Ellie turned her face towards the older woman and smiled faintly. “Should we tear down?” Cat backed away and grabbed her bag. “Naw, I will do it tomorrow. We need to get ready for our date before it gets too late.” 

Ellie tried to busy herself gathering her things, gently placing the cable and guitar strap into her bag before zipping it up slowly. “Meet me at the south wall, by that old abandoned barbershop in an hour. “ Ellie glanced up to meet her eyes on the street. “Don’t stand me up, Ells.” She smirked and headed up the street out of sight. Ellie slowly rose to her feet. She wanted nothing more than to go home, take a long bath, and play her guitar, for real, amp and all. The loud riffs would surely drown out her racing thoughts.

  
By 7 pm, Ellie was dressed and ready to head out to meet Cat. She made sure not to put too much thought into her appearance, no need to make it look like she was that interested in what Cat thought of her. But she did decide to dig her new pair of canvas sneakers from her pack. She had found several pairs in an old clothing shop near the Santa Monica pier and smashed them a the bottom of her bag. She had wished she could take all of the shoes from the racks out there—a lifetime supply of her favorite footwear. Rustling around the rest of the cargo in her bag, her hand snagged on the largest object in the bag's confines. A splinter firmly lodged into her newly calloused right fingertip. It was a reminder that she needed to spend some time on that surprise she had worked so hard to recover from New Mexico. She made a mental note to start work on it in the morning.

  
Outside on her porch, her anxiety mounted. The reminders of her relationship with Cat were pulling at her brain. Not to mention, she was still grappling with the events of earlier in the day. Ellie’s frustration with Cat’s behavior at the town hall made it difficult to consider being around her at the moment. She never took well to people trying to control her or her life. That was part of the reason she broke it off with Cat in the first place. After discovering Joel’s lie, Ellie felt like she had been manipulated. Into what she wasn’t sure. Maybe into being safe behind Jackson’s walls or trying to live a normal life where the prospect of Joel losing her was lessened. Either way, when she returned to Jackson, the thought of returning to her routine that Cat so carefully curated to keep her from Dina just wasn’t something she even wanted to entertain. 

  
Ellie was met with a note taped to the only unbroken window on the old barbershop's front. “Use the dumpster in back to met me on the roof.” She was half annoyed, half intrigued by Cat’s precise planning of this “date.” Cat wasn’t a very sentimental or mushy type of girl. Even when they were together, she rarely showed affection outwards unless it led to a hot exchange between them. 

That was part of the reason why Ellie had been so confused by Cat’s confession of love. That memory stung for her. Thinking back, Ellie had hoped, even wished she could learn to love Cat the way she did Dina. Not that she had been comparing the two women, but Cat had one big pro in her corner, she actually wanted Ellie. The thought that she had simply fallen into what was easy wasn’t something Ellie liked to think about, then or now. She really was trying to just have a normal relationship with someone, even if it wasn’t who she really wanted. 

Once on the roof, Ellie's eyes rested on the olive-skinned beauty, illuminated from behind by the dwindling light of the impending sunset. Her skin glowed and glittered in the light. Cat had always been stunning, sexy in a way Ellie didn’t know she found attractive until Cat kissed her suddenly so many years ago. There was no denying the chemistry between them. It had always been there, but Ellie still felt like it was only physical, weak compared to what she had shared with Dina. 

“Surprise.” Cat’s smug half-smile made Ellie a little weak in the knees. The attraction was still there, no doubt. Cat stood next to a telescope propped next to a thick blanket spread out at her feet, flanked by a bottle of what Ellie guessed was whiskey and a small radio. “Is that…” Ellie’s excitement was too hard to hide. “A fucking telescope!?” Cat’s dark pink lips parted into a full smile, the type that she only showed in her more vulnerable moments, typically after the two girls were cuddling in a naked, sweaty mess. She nodded. “I had to trade some tattoo work for it, but I figured you in all your space nerd glory would love it.” 

The telescope itself was a proper distraction from the intimate gesture and the setting. Ellie reasoned that as long as she looked through its lens, she could avoid the lingering feelings behind its presence. Either way, she was captivated, having never looked through a working one before. “Wow, Cat. This is…” Cat chuckled as she moved to the blanket behind Ellie and clicked play on the tape player at her feet. “I know, my girl.” The words made Ellie freeze, the breath knocked from her lungs. Riley had told her that so many years ago on their last night together. 

She pulled her eyes away from the lens in front of her and met Cat’s dark black eyes, so dark you couldn’t distinguish the pupils. The music that poured from the radio was the typical lovesick pop-punk Cat enjoyed and had introduced Ellie to. While they were a couple, Ellie had grown to like the whining, overly emotional lyrics that were always filled with themes of unrequited love. It reminded her of Dina, which made the fact that Cat loved playing them while they had sex even more awkward. 

She took a seat further away from the older girl, almost at the edge of the blanket, trying to be nice but still keeping enough distance to not lead Cat on. “So. I need to know.” Ellie was fiddling with her shoelaces, trying to kill her nerves. “Why did you leave Jackson when we were still together?” Of course, she would be asking this, Ellie had disappeared after Cat told her she loved her. When Ellie came back, Cat tried to inquire, but the redhead kept her at a distance, letting the girl finish her tattoo before completely disappearing from her life with no explanation. “Cat.” She sighed heavily. “Can we maybe have a drink first?”

“Well, I will do you one better. There was a rumor after you left for Seattle that you and Dina…” The name twisted as it left her lips. “That you two stumbled on some weed bunker or something. Sooooo.” She pulled a perfectly rolled splif from her chest pocket. “I had a few of the guys go back and scavenge everything they could.” Ellie’s eyes lit up. Of course, Cat wanted Eugene’s stash. “And I started the growing opp again here.” She pointed down to the roof below them. Ellie’s head cocked to the side as she eyed the roof in skepticism. “I took over the basement and plan to turn the top half into my tattoo studio. It took a lot of convincing for Maria to let me grow here in Jackson, but after the trade requests started pouring in, she bought in. And the tattoos, we have a lot of people come through that want to have something to remember the people or memories they have lost outside these gates.” 

Ellie was shocked. She never pictured Cat to be industrious and entrepreneurial. Sure, Cat was ambitious in her art, teaching herself to tattoo so many years ago, but to do something this big with Jackson's backing was so unlike that girl she had called her girlfriend so many years ago. The change suited her, Ellie thought as she grabbed for the lit splif.

“So, are you going to ignore my question?” Ellie was floating in the darkness of the night above her. Exhaling smoke into the vastness felt like she was breathing life into the stars. Her eyes closed shut, the tingling in her limbs a welcome feeling, even if it killed her inhibitions too much for liking. Her mind flashed to the memory of that last time she had gotten high, in that very bunker Cat was talking about. Come back to earth, Ellie. She had to remind herself not to dwell in the past. 

“I wish I could tell you it was for some heroic or even noble reason that I left. But it wasn’t.” She stayed frozen in her same place even as she felt Cat sit up to look down on her from above. “There was a piece of my past, something I needed to know to really know myself. It was out there in Salt Lake City." Cat's face twisted slightly in confusion. Ellie was being vague but truthful. "I just had to go find it. When I did..." Ellie fought through the quiver in her voice. "It broke me, more than I ever thought it would. I was naive.” Tears were building behind her eyelids that were clamped shut. Ellie could feel the dark-haired woman's gaze on her, but she could not bear to face her, knowing that any more movement would trigger a full breakdown on her part. 

“I thought it would fill up this growing hole in me. The thing that was missing and making it hard to settle here Jackson, making it hard to trust, making it impossible to get close to anyone. But finding out my truth just pushed me into that hole.” She exhaled an exasperated sigh and let it float away into the sky above. Like letting go of that feeling, the things that prevented her from letting anyone in. She rolled over onto her side and looked at those dark eyes peering into hers. “I almost didn’t come back. There was nothing left in me that showed that I would ever be able to attach myself to anyone or even trust again. That hope was gone, so what was the point in coming home to people that I would just let down and a community I could never really care about." By now, the confessions were pouring from her involuntarily. She was giving words to feelings she didn't dare share with even her journal. 

"The whole way home, I felt this overwhelming feeling of dread, like I was marching back to my death. I felt like a fraud in these walls every day." Tears were pouring in steady, even streams. "After I saw you again and we finished my tattoo, I just couldn’t bring myself to be around you. I felt so heavy with guilt that I could never be who you wanted, who you deserved. I thought it would have better if I stayed away from you, a clean break. I’m not saying it was right because it wasn’t. I was a terrible monster to you and everyone else I love. I am so sorry I was so weak.” Her body was so wracked with sobs that she missed Cat scooting closer to her to grasp her trembling hand.

Cat appeared to be contemplating the confessions of her ex-girlfriend very seriously. Her face made Ellie nervous. Cat never seemed to be this deep in thought, ever. “Thank you for telling me all that, Ells. But I need to know if that is true. Why would you get involved with Dina? If you couldn’t trust, couldn’t love, were empty like you say, why Dina?” Ellie realized her hand was enclosed in the girl’s searching her eyes from above. Pulling it slowly away, she rolled over a little and sat up to grab the bottle. Screwing the top off, she offered the bottle to Cat first, who shook her head no. She took a big swig, hoping the firey liquid would burn her throat enough to avoid voicing a response. 

“Dina.” The name leaving her lips burned her body. “Dina is relentless. Always has been, or at least used to. I tried so hard to keep just a friendship with her. Convincing myself that I couldn’t get involved with anyone, but she was so stubborn, she pushed and pushed until I could open up some, little by little. She just has this way that pushes me to try, even when I hate her for it. I guess…” She twisted around to look at Cat behind her. “She showed me a glimpse of what I could be. She believed in that, and I desperately wanted it to be the truth. Even then, Dina has never really known me. No one has.” 

Cat looked so sad, sad enough that Ellie was afraid her honesty had ruined the other woman. Maybe saying all of that was indulgent. Perhaps she should have saved it for her journal's pages. Right as Ellie started admonishing herself for finally opening up, Cat spoke. "I never wanted to push you, Ells. But that didn't mean I didn't want you to trust me or open up. I tried not to fall for you. I knew you were emotionally unavailable. I just couldn't fucking help it. I knew you would destroy me."

The conversation was hanging heavy over their heads. The song switched, and the opening cords made Ellie nauseous. She recognized it instantly. It was the original of the first song she had ever played in front of Dina, really for her but at a bonfire, so it would seem harmless. Her urge to fling the bottle at the radio was growing. Cat reached out and grabbed her tensed shoulder, taking note of the change in her body language. The touch broke her from her trance. “Sorry, Cat. Just this song. This conversation. It’s just hard to go back to those places.”

Cat shrugged. “I remember you playing this song at the bonfire after you and I broke up. I was dumb enough to think you were maybe playing it for me. It always reminds me of you. But now…” Ellie looked up at those black eyes and caressed her beautiful olive cheek causing Cat to let her eyes flutter shut as she leaned into the touch. “Ellie.” She very rarely used her full name. “Kiss me?” Ellie dropped her hand from the other girl’s face instantly. “What?” “I want you to kiss me.” Those eyes were pouring themselves into Ellie’s, begging. “Cat…” “Please. I know it doesn’t mean…but I need one more before I let you go.” Ellie leaned in and pressed her lips softly to Cat’s, eventually pressing hard enough to avoid any other movement. Cat exhaled through her nostrils, and the warm air was Ellie’s cue to break the kiss and rest their foreheads together. “I do you love you, Cat.” Her big black eyes opened as she pulled back to stare inquisitively into Ellie’s. “Just not like you love her…”

  
_"It's us, right?" Dina didn't really have a word or name for what they were at that moment. She knew that falling in love with her best friend, another woman, was not as common as she convinced herself. She had always assumed she only liked guys until Ellie walked into that stable 5 years before. Now she had been intimate with another woman. Not just any woman, Ellie Williams. The girl who was so fierce and passionate but so damaged in a lot of ways. How someone can be both so sure and unsure of themselves at the same time was beyond her, and yet her best friend pulled it off so effortlessly._

_Walking through Seattle, Dina started to feel a longing. One to build a future with this other woman. After kissing her for the first time, Dina knew Ellie was it for her. There would never be anyone else. She wanted to put labels on it to tie down what exactly the two of them had. Dina thought about cohabitation, marriage, and now that she was almost sure she was pregnant, raising a child together. These were terrifying thoughts to have while they left a bloody trail in their wake, but she understood at that moment that if she could love Ellie so completely now, in the worst of times, she could love her forever._

Dina would love Ellie forever. It was painfully obvious to her now. She couldn't even care that there was a possibility Ellie did not feel the same way. This world is too cruel, and life too fleeting not to say it.

That night was more restless than usual. Dina was running over the inevitable conversation in her brain. She tried to plan for all potential reactions and outcomes, but her heart remained hopeful that Ellie would react favorably. Maybe things would not be the way they used to be, but wasn't that the point? This could be something new, much bigger than either of them had ever considered. All Dina had to do was get Ellie to open up.

Two days out from their encounter in front of the Cat's mural, Dina rode through Jackson's gates after an overnight patrol. She was filthy and exhausted. This time being outside the walls of Jackson did not make her feel the way it once did. She rode harder, squeezed the trigger in more haste, killed quicker, all because she longed for the minutes to pass faster. After stabling Japan and checking in, Dina started home, eager to see JJ and relax. Tomorrow was the day. Dina would give words to the script she had been planning in her head for almost three days now. 

JJ was so happy to see his mom; he squealed with delight as she nuzzled his tiny body. Dina let the anxiety of tomorrow leave her while she focused on spending time with her son. She cooked dinner for the entire family and took the time to catch up with Robin and Susan. It was good to feel more normal than she had since moving back to Jackson. Dina had been fumbling through the motions up until now. Accepting the truth of her feelings made her feel free, like when she was younger. 

Tucking JJ into bed that night, she whispered in his ear, "Tomorrow, I will get your mama back, Spud. She will come home to us finally." After running her fingers through his shaggy hair, she headed to bed. The old journal, her constant bedmate for the last few weeks, felt even more alluring now. Dina hoped that tomorrow all of the secrets in it would be hers, not because she stole, but rather because she earned them.

  
The next morning Dina woke after a good night of sleep, something that had recently alluded her. She made a proper breakfast, took time to pick out an outfit for herself, and then got JJ ready for the day. After taking JJ to daycare, Dina stopped by the clinic to let them know she would be by later to help. Exiting the clinic, she came face to face with the only person who could deflate her confidence that morning, Cat.

"Good morning." Cat sounded melancholy. Dina's shoulders perked up at the possibility that Cat's grand "date" with Ellie had gone badly. "Damn, you are in a sunny mood this morning, Cat. Bad date?" She couldn't help the smirk on her face. "Fuck off, Dina. You should know that it was exactly what we both needed. AND it ended with a kiss. When was the last time you kissed her?" The tattooed woman flicked her hair over her shoulder and marched into the clinic without looking back.

Dina was left stunned on the sidewalk. It was hard not to let the doubt and anxiety crawl up her spine. Cat was a lot of things, but she was not a lair. Dina pivoted on her heels and walked briskly home. She still intended to talk with Ellie, but her rehearsed speech felt so desperate after learning the redhead had kissed Cat the night before. Dina needed a reason to show up at Ellie's door.

  
Inside the house, Dina ran through a list of possible things she could use a proper excuse for her random visit. Her eyes shot to the Menorah on the mantle, and her hamsa bracelet wrapped lovingly around its base. That seemed maybe too obvious. Suddenly she remembered the Firefly pendant. Surely that meant something to Ellie. Dina bounded up the stairs and found the pendant sitting on top of the old journal. She shoved the pendant in her front pocket and stopped before she left the room. Maybe the journal too? Fuck it!

  
Dina opted to cut through the garden on her way to Ellie's apartment. It was a longer route, but she needed the time to build her nerve back up again. The community gardens were alive with people working through the early summer harvest, but Dina didn't want to make small talk. It was like she only had enough courage to power out the words she needed. Anything else and she would have lost them in her throat. 

Once at the gate, Dina took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Whatever is supposed to happen, you will be ok." Telling herself this was a lie, and she knew it. The gate creaked open like it hadn't been used in some time. Dina advanced to the front of the garage apartment quickly. The words were building up in the back of her mouth, and she felt like they would escape with all of her nerves before Ellie came into view. She drew her hand back to knock on the door but was interrupted by noise from the main house.

"Who the fuck doesn't have a sleeping bag? Hold on, I think I have a spare in the garage." Dina heard her voice as the back door to the main house flung open. Her spine went rigid, her feet would not move. Ellie was whistling a faint tune as she rounded the corner of the garage, but that joyful tune stopped when her eyes met Dina's. The world stopped. The air sucked from her lungs, Dina struggled to find the words that had been begging to leave her mouth just seconds before. Those green eyes looked into hers, and it felt like the first time.

"Hi," Fuck seriously, Dina? She turned her hand to wave weakly. It was the most awkward she had ever felt in her life. Ellie's eyes roamed down her body, stopping in a confused look at the book in Dina's other hand. Dina looked down to stare at the same object. Suddenly it felt pounds heavier than it was. Speak already, she willed herself. "I uh, I brought this from the farm to uh... I mean, I figured you would want it back." She reached the book out, trembling. Ellie didn't move as she glanced back into Dina's eyes. "Is that all of my stuff?" Dina didn't know how to explain that all of Ellie's prized possessions were locked in her old studio at the farm, and somehow this journal made it back with Dina. It would be obvious she had intended to read it. She was panicking. 

"Umm, no, I also have this. Dina reached into her pocket and fished out the mysterious Firefly pendant. Ellie's eyes widened at its appearance. She looked like a cornered animal. Dina was trying to breathe, but all the air seemed to have left the earth's atmosphere. Ellie's eyes stared at the pendant dangling from Dina's opposite hand as she tentatively reached forward to cup it in her palm. "Dina." Dina braced for her words. "Do you know what this is?" There it was. What should she answer? The truth was all she knew was that it was a secret, just one more Ellie kept from her. But saying that would make it sound like she knew more like perhaps she had read the book in her other hand. 

"It's a Firefly pendant from someone named Riley Abel. That's all I know, El," she answered as her hand released it into Ellie's waiting palm. Ellie ran her fingers over the pendant's lettering as the tears built in her eyes. Dina felt horrible. Why had she taken it? Why had she been so weak that she invaded Ellie's privacy? 

Just then, the back door flew open again, and they both turned to see Shannon peeking her head out. "Ellie, we need to get going before it gets too late. Oh! Shit, umm... sorry." The door slammed shut, and Ellie whipped her head back around to meet Dina's frown. "Here." Dina shoved the old journal forward into Ellie's hands and moved to step around her and away from this horrible situation. How could she be so stupid?

"Wait! D!" Ellie raced up behind her before she made it to the gate. "Just stop, please." Dina wanted to yell at her. To remind the redhead that she didn't deserve the chance to ask anything of her. Instead, she stopped, her hand still lurching forward for the gate latch to make a quick escape if necessary. "You don't know what this is?" Ellie lifted the pendant again, and all Dina could do was roll her eyes. "I already told you..." "Ok." The redhead backed away and raised her hands like a surrender. "But do you want to know?"

Did she ever. With everything in her, but she couldn't bring herself to respond. Pull the latch on the gate seemed worlds easier than admitting that she wanted to know the significance of that piece of metal dangling from Ellie's hand. "Fuck it. D, I want you to know. Here..." Her other hand, with the old journal, reached back out towards Dina. "It's all in here. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING, D. Do you understand?" Dina looked anywhere, but Ellie's eyes. She didn't want to cry. 

"Please. Just read it, ok? I um. I will be back in a few days." She left it open, not saying where she would be or what would happen when she returned. Dina grabbed the book and dropped her head towards the gate latch to tuck tail and run when Ellie gently grasped her shoulder. The touch shot sparks through her body, and she wanted to shiver. "Wait! Just hang on. I have something else." It was hard to miss her almost giddy excitement at the sudden realization. "It's in the garage. Give me a sec?" This time Dina nodded. "You can come in if you want."

  
The inside of the garage was decidedly different. The futon and old coffee table remained, but everything else was cleared out. There were familiar old boxes stacked almost to the ceiling in one corner. A large tattered run covered the majority of the empty floor. In the middle of the rug was the bright orange amp Dina had recovered from the music store and proped up against it, a turquoise guitar. The coffee table was covered with old CDs, cassettes, and records. On the floor in front of it was a large stereo with double tape decks, a slot for CDs, and a record player on top. A slim cord stretched from the front of it, and a small, white rectangular device sat in front. Dina knew what it was, but she had never seen one in person.

"Holy shit. Is that one of those eye pats, or whatever?" Ellie chuckled as she hit rewind on one of the tape decks. "iPod, yea it is. I found it in California." Dina tried not to be angry by the thought of Ellie having time to scavenge in California. Is that what took her so long? While the tape player whirred, Ellie made her way over to the stack of boxes and pulled one from the middle, careful not to topple the ones above. She yanked an old sleeping bag from its depths and kicked the box back near its companions. The tape player stopped with a loud snap, and Ellie ran over to it, pushing eject and grabbing the tape out. She opened a drawer in her old kitchenette and grabbed a marker. After scribbling something, she blew on the tape to dry the ink and handed it to Dina."

 _ **Dina's Mixtape**_. Dina tried not to smile. She was well aware that Ellie was best at expressing her sentiments through music. "Joel used to tell me that people would give mixtapes to their crushes. I am sorry that yours is so late." Dina met her eyes as if to say thank you, but still, no words left her mouth. "I uh, I need to go before we lose light. We need to make the south lookout by dark." The south lookout, huh? Ellie was clearly going hunting, for several days, with Shannon. Fuck. Was it worth making an issue of it? Especially after Ellie had clearly made such an effort in this small exchange. Dina thought better of it and mumbled, "Be safe." before leaving the garage, tape in one hand, journal in the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dina's Mixtape - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3UBrtKBVgeKcDs4K6hNyKD?si=0lh8ougyQvq_Seh9T84UsA


	10. You're the tall kingdom I surround

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie faces a demon while hunting.  
> Dina learns some terrifying truths.
> 
> *** WARNING *** graphic content regarding animals and hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The National's Brainy

_"This better be better than a six." All of Ellie's fears melted away in that instant. The pull towards Dina was almost violently tugging her into the raven-haired girl's orbit. It was at that moment that Ellie realized that all those gentle touches, the sideways glances while shamelessly flirting with someone else, those late-night cuddle sessions, the flirty banter, all of it was fucking real. Dina wanted her. She wanted her the same way Ellie wanted Dina. She deepened the kiss pushing Dina firmly beneath her onto the leather couch. Dina broke the kiss to release a heavy breath against Ellie's lips. Holy shit, was this really happening? Ellie pulled away slightly to fall into Dina's eyes, warm like honey and melting into her own with a look she had never seen outside her fantasies. It was all the encouragement she needed._

_Ellie had fantasized about this moment for far too long. She never focused on the particulars, what they were wearing, where they were, the exact words they exchanged. Those were flimsy details. The most important part was how it all felt, and even those dreams had nothing on reality. Dina's hands ran under her hoodie and up her sides, making her shiver violently. "Umm, can we..." She tugged at the hem with one hand and pulled at her own vest's zipper with the other. Ellie sat back, breaking their string of kisses to rip her hoodie up over her shoulders with one hand as Dina sat up beneath her the remove her vest and shirt. Ellie was stupified, unable to move at the sight in front of her and what was happening. She wanted to tell Dina how much she wanted this, wanted her, but before she could blink, Dina pushed backward and landed with her hip bone placed in the perfect spot between Ellie's legs. This had to be heaven._

Their lips were back together in a second, and the pressure the woman above her put down with her hip bone was deliciously distracting. Ellie clamped her eyes shut harder in an attempt to stifle any gasps fighting to leave her body. And then the hips above her moved back and forward again. Ellie angled her own hip up into the warmth straddling it and grabbed hungrily at the gyrating hips before pressing upwards and pulling down forcefully. Both women moaned through their broken kiss. But the cry from above her was not familiar.

Ellie's eyes shot open, the women above her taking it as a cue to latch on to her neck and grind down harder. What the fuck was going on? Where was she, and who the fuck was on top of her? She could see the light leaking through the thin tent material as it broke the horizon, and it all came back to her. She was in a tent, south of Jackson, hunting, with...oh fuck! "Shannon!" She was panicking. The girl's movements above only increased in intensity at the sound of her name, and she bit down on Ellie's neck, hard. Ellie grabbed her shoulders and pushed upwards. "Shannon, stop! What are we doing!?"

Shannon's body froze above her. "What?" She sounded confused. How did this even start? The blonde pulled her head away from Ellie's neck, her face flushed red around her cheeks and mouth. "I thought..." The look in her blue eyes was heartbreaking. Ellie felt like a cornered animal, desperately looking for a way out. The tent was too small, and she stopped short of throwing the girl off her. "But you kissed me. Ellie, you kissed me!" The redhead was finding it hard to decide what to do with her hands, or even where she should look. "I'm sorry, Shan. We can't. I...I..."

Suddenly the weight above her lifted, and her eyes shut in relief as she ran her palm over her face. The tent zipper whizzed open, and the cold air of the early morning hit her head-on. Ellie was wide awake now. The ground outside the tent crunched under Shannon's heavy steps. She was moving around the camp urgently. Ellie let loose an exasperated sigh as she rolled towards the open tent portal. "Shan, what are you doing?" The blonde was rushing to saddle her horse, yanking the straps violently as she avoided the question. "Please stop." Ellie rose from the tent, barefoot and topless, save for her sports bra. "Please! Can we just talk?"

Shannon's hands slowed, and she turned to face Ellie, shivering behind her. "Put on some fucking clothes, at least." the blonde quipped as the blush returned to her cheeks. Ellie reached into her bag for a shirt before pulling on her boots, feeling Shannon's eyes heavy on her the entire time. The two women kept their distance, Ellie resting on a rock, tying her boots, and Shannon standing near her saddled colt's flank, arms crossed and eyes grey. "Well? Talk." Fuck she was fucked.

"I, uh. How...What happened?" Shannon huffed at Ellie's question. "What happened? Ellie, you are seriously going to act like you don't know?" The blonde sounded pissed. Ellie had never seen or heard this side of her. "I'm sorry. I was asleep and having a dream, about... and then..." Ellie tried to hide the confused look on her face. She felt fucking stupid. "Fuck, Ellie. You were moving in your sleep, Making noises, so I thought you were having a nightmare, like the other night at the lookout. I got worried." Ellie started connecting the dots in her tired brain. "I shook you to wake you and asked if you were ok and you just..." Ellie winced as if she knew what was coming. "pulled me into you and kissed me!" Oh no, this was beyond fucked up. Ellie was dreaming about Dina, about the first time they, oh, fuck!

"Fuck, Shannon." The regret seeped out of her pores. "I am so sorry. I was half asleep, and I didn't..." She couldn't make eye contact with the blonde standing mere feet away. "Yea, I got it. You didn't mean it. You thought I was someone else. You don't like me like that." Ellie could practically hear the tears forming in the back of the younger girl's throat. All she could do was hang her head in acknowledgment. A painful silence overtook the two of them as Ellie planned her next move carefully. The truth was that while she was painfully attracted to the blonde, her heart would always belong to someone else. And because Ellie did care for Shannon, she couldn't bring herself to drag her along through her uncertainty. "I still want to teach you to hunt, you know, that is if you want?" Shannon sighed and chuckled mirthlessly through the tears. "I would love that."

  
The first two days of their trip had been hard for Ellie. Leaving Jackson's gates was strange for so many reasons. The last time she was outside, well, it hadn't ended so great and the nightmares and day terrors remerged in full force. She tried her best to keep them from Shannon, but she had a particularly bad episode on the second night and found the blonde to be her only comfort source. 

On top of that, Ellie was consumed by her exchange with Dina the morning of their departure. She wasn't sure what her sudden appearance in her back yard had meant, but she was thankful the chance encounter happened. Initially, Ellie was angry that Dina had her old journal and Riley's pendant. It appeared that the dark-haired woman had likely read the book, filled with Ellie's deep darkest secrets and confessions. It had been so long since she looked in it, that frankly, she had no idea what it contained, although she was certain it wasn't all flattering information. But then she began to panic that Dina hadn't read it and thus had no idea who Ellie was. What if she never knew her? Or worse, what if she never wanted to know her?

Ellie tried to remember starting the journal when she and Joel arrived in Jackson. It had been a gift from Maria when she moved into her garage apartment. "A way to kill the loneliness," the woman had joked. Over the years, it grew to be her most constant companion. Those pages were littered with her secrets, feelings, dreams, and fears, the very essence of who she was. And now she had given Dina permission to see all of it. It made her both terrified and relieved. 

  
After packing up camp, the two women rode silently through the lows shrubs on the hilly ridge surrounding Flat Creek. Neither one made a move to break the silence that had grown between them since the morning. They stopped by the creek at lunch, and Ellie took the opportunity to try for some trout with Joel's old fly rod. Shannon watched from the nearby meadow far too intently. 

"I got a few brookies!" Ellie jogged back a short time after. She held up two small fish threaded through a sapling at the gills. "You hungry?" Shannon rolled her eyes. "Sure." The blonde rose and set about making a small fire in a rocky portion of the creek bend. Ellie pulled her knife from her back and started cleaning the fish. "So, that is a hell of a knife there. Guess you got that on your travels, huh?" It was the first time Shannon tried to make small talk since the incident that morning. Ellie ripped the guts from the second fish and flung them into the creek. "Yea. It was a gift from some amazing people in New Mexico." She marveled at the handle in her hand. "They uh, helped me, with my nightmares." Ellie hoped that would be enough of that conversation.

"Why do you have them?" They were perched on rocks near the creek, each eating their cooked brookie. Ellie had been trying to avoid making eye contact with the blonde, but now she felt obligated to answer her sincerely. "Shannon, I have done and seen a lot of things. Remember when I told you how bad it can get out here?" Shannon didn't answer; she just busied herself with wiping her hands clean after finishing her lunch. "Those things. They just stayed with me." She hung her head in shame. Ellie had hoped to avoid admitting to anyone that she was a monster, and yet it just came out. "I am not a good person Shan." The blonde huffed and rose from her rock. "Whatever."

Ellie didn't think it was a good idea to elaborate at the moment. She wagered she had already done enough damage to the poor girl this morning. Beside's those confessions were reserved for her journal and maybe Dina if she would hear them. It was hard not to wonder what Dina was doing now. Had she read some of those confessions already? And if so, did she finally realize how broken Ellie was? The paranoia that Dina would never want her again welled in her belly. What happens if you let someone in and they don't like what they see on the other side of your walls?

  
Back on the trail, Ellie spotted evidence of a herd of elk. The ride had continued in silence until now. "We can let the horses graze back there and continue on foot. We don't want to spook them." She dismounted and tied her pack to her mare's saddle. She grabbed some .308 rounds from the front pocket and checked the rifle's action. "Ok, we are going to use a rifle this time, but a bow is better. Less noise so you don't traumatize the rest of the herd or draw any attention." Shannon stared at the weapon, eyes wide. Ellie knew she had never taken a life before. "Don't worry, I will help you, ok? Just stay right next to me and be as quiet as I am."

The two crept silently along a small ridge of pines to get a good look at the valley below. The creek wound it's way west through the yellow fields, and there were patches of wildflowers strewn across the gold below them. It was a really breathtaking view. Directly in front of them, a herd of elk grazed near the creek. After going prone, Ellie pulled the rifle from her back and looked down the scope. Shannon breathed heavy next to her shoulder. There were several bulls among the herd to choose from. She chambered a round and flicked off the safety before sliding the weapon to Shannon on her left. "Ok. Remember to breathe in and hold before you slowly squeeze. You are aiming for right above the front leg." She patted her side under her armpit. "Here." Shannon nodded nervously.

After looking through the scope for several minutes, the blonde sighed. "Ellie. I don't think..." Ellie grasped her shoulder lightly. "It's ok. This is part of life. Just try to make it quick for them." Shannon's blue eyes watered, but she took a cleansing breath and looked down the sights once more. Ellie watched her as she prepared her trigger finger and took a deep breath, holding it as she slowly squeezed. But at the last moment, she flinched in anticipation and looked away, squeezing hard and fast. The rifle went off with a crack, shooting up dust around the muzzle. Shannon gasped. The herd below scattered, and an agonizing cry came from the grass under their hooves. "Fuck!" Ellie shot to her feet and ran down the hill towards the screams. 

By the time she made it to the fallen elk, the rest of the herd was long gone. The animal writhed in pain and fear as she neared it. Its cries were eerie, and the sound made Ellie's blood run cold. Blood soaked the ground near its midsection. It was at that point Ellie realized it did not have antlers. "Fucking shit." Ellie looked back at its belly in horror. Shannon had shot a cow, a pregnant one at that. Her hands were instantly trembling, and her vision started to go black. Before she lost herself entirely, Ellie pulled her .38 from her holster and fired one round into the suffering animal's skull, stopping the writhing and crying. 

She collapsed to her knees before her vision went black. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She was sobbing, looking at a pregnant woman with short hair in front of her. Ellie was back in the aquarium fighting for air. All she could think of was Dina, pregnant and vulnerable. How could someone so perfect ever love her? She kills pregnant women for fucks sake.

A soft hand on her shoulder broke the trance. "Ellie. Just breathe." "I killed her. Fuck! I killed her." She couldn't seem to catch her breath, but the words still streamed from her lips. "No, Ellie, I did that. You gave her mercy. You helped." Shannon took her palm and placed it on Ellie's chest, just over her heart. She grabbed the redhead's cheek with her free hand and glared into the green eyes in front of her. "No, I killed HER, and she was fucking pregnant. I killed her and her baby!" Ellie was wailing, but Shannon didn't move. "Just breath with me, ok?"

  
Hours had passed, and the sun was getting low behind the trees. Ellie had managed to sit back and was slowly catching her breath. Shannon was rubbing slow circles on her back. "We..." her voice was noticeably shaky. "We should get her field dressed and set up a camp." Tears were still streaming from her eyes in hot trails. Shannon shook her head. "Maybe you should go get the horses, and I will field dress it. I've butchered before. I'm sure I can figure it out." Ellie nodded and rose to return to the ridge above them. She was thankful for the reprieve, but part of her wanted to return with a shovel and bury the animal. It would have been wasteful and dishonorable to the animal's life, but she still considered it. 

Ellie returned with the proper butchering knife, bone saw, and the horses. She made camp a reasonable distance away, but close enough to see Shannon working around the carcass. Ellie set up the tent but only placed Shannon's bedroll in there. After this morning and her breakdown just now, she was sure the blonde would want nothing to do with her. Besides, she needed the stars to ground her back to herself.

  
Shannon had butchered and wrapped the entire carcass by the time the sun set. She was washing in the creek while Ellie kept an eye on the fresh steaks from the kill sizzling in the fire. It was hard not to wonder what Shannon had done with the calf she likely found in the cow's belly. The thought made her feel sick, and the smell of the meat cooking in front of her caused her to gag. She wasn't sure she could ever eat elk again.

"Who were you talking about back there?" Shannon had finished eating her dinner while Ellie poked at hers. "When you said you killed her." It was hard not to wish she was out here alone like she had grown accustomed to over the last year. "Shannon. I told you. I am not a good person." She avoided eye contact, staring into the flames in front of her. "Ellie, that is not true. How can that be true? Look at how many good people love you." Ellie balled her fist. She wanted to scream at her. "People love who they think I am. Or who they want me to be. But that's not me. It's not the real me."

_"It's good. Haven't had any excitement in a while, hmm?" Dina forces a smile when she looks lovingly at Ellie. Really she is terrified. Her ability to remain the strong one is wavering. Ellie isn't the only one who has lost parts of herself, yet Dina has been soldiering on for her family. She had never felt so alone. Ellie never wanted to talk about anything or anyone lost along their individual paths to the farm. There were clearly demons their for both of them. Dina felt them clawing to the surface inside herself as well. It was hard to ignore how Ellie's behavior could waver so extensively throughout the day or even how her mood was so erratic. In truth, Dina felt like she was hanging on by a thread, her fingertips barely clinging to the remnants of a happy life she wanted with Ellie and JJ._

_Deep down, Dina knew that communication is their only salvation, and that realization brought her to her knees. It had long been the department of which Ellie lacked any ability. Not talking or processing their traumas would undoubtedly spell the beginning of the end for both of them. Dina was terrified by the prospect of being forced to watch their relationship die in front of her face while lacking the strength to fix it herself. She had been finding it increasingly difficult not to feel helpless and hopeless as Ellie plummetted further, dragging Dina down with her._

Dina laid thrashing in bed, sweating profusely through her sheets. She shot up from her pillow with a gasp before recognizing her surroundings. Her nightmares had returned the night Ellie left Jackson to go hunting. She reached for the old journal on her nightstand. It had been three days since Ellie granted her full access, and yet for some reason, Dina could not bring herself to open it. She hadn't really considered why, especially since she had felt so compelled to read it without permission not that long ago. As much as she had once wanted to know all of the darkness in her soulmate's heart, now that the knowledge was in her reach, it was a scary prospect. Indeed Ellie had kept the secrets in those pages away from her for a reason. What if it was too much to bear?

The light from the streetlamp below her window illuminated the sheer curtains, making those portals glow in an eerie light. The ambiance was somber, and so still, the way it feels before a snowfall. Dina reached into her bedside drawer for Ellie's old Walkman, one of the few things she kept when moving back from the farm. Her mixtape had been on constant rotation over the last couple of days. Dina had agonized over every lyric in every song, trying to suss out what Ellie was trying to tell her. She smacked play and opened the journal to the first page.

**Maria gave me this book. I guess so I had someone to talk to since Joel is shit at feelings. I feel fucking stupid confessing shit to a book, but I guess it's better than nothing.**

Dina smiled at the opening passage. She remembered young Ellie, such a smartass. The opposite page had a sketch of Jackson from the south ridge. Ellie had gotten so much better at drawing since then, but it was still miles beyond her own capabilities. Dina continued on. 

**I met a girl the day we got here. Joel was busy shaking hands with a bunch of people and catching Tommy up on our trip back to Wyoming. Wonder if he told what the fuck happened in the hospital? Anyways I went to the stables to check out the horses, and there was this girl there. She was fucking funny...and beautiful. Reminded me of Riley a little. Fuck. I keep hoping I will forget her, but I swear I see her everywhere now that we in a "safe" spot.**

She blushed at the thought of little Ellie, finding her beautiful even back then. It was true, Ellie had always liked her like that. The mention of Riley, the name from the pendant, dragged her attention from the fond memory of their first meeting back to the pages. Who was this girl? She guessed Riley was female since Ellie remarked that Dina's humor and beauty reminded her of the mystery girl. And what about the mention of a hospital? Her curiosity peaked as the song on the tape switched. 

Turning the page, Dina gasped at the accompanying series of sketches. Small drawings of Dina, smiling or laughing perhaps flanked by repetitive renditions of her eyes. Underneath a short entry.

 **How can I like someone again? Fuck. I can't even kiss anyone, what if I get them... what if I infect them. Besides, she probably doesn't like girls or you.** If only Ellie knew the truth, Dina smirked, recalling how much she had battled with the urge to kiss the redhead even back then. Bu the memory was bittersweet. Ellie was clearly struggling with her immunity. All alone at that. No wonder she was so awkward and dismissive at first. She was afraid to get physically close because she didn't want to infect anyone, which made it hard to let anyone in. Dina felt the tears well in her eyes.

 **I fucking did it. Fuck this stupid bandage! I burned the that fucked up scar off my arm with lye. That fucking movie was right, but it hurt like a bitch. At least I have an excuse for a bandage now, and people can stop asking. Joel was pissed, but I can't wear long sleeves year-round.** It was hard not to remember swapping scar stories in Ellie's arms while the blizzard raged outside above them. Dina felt so guilty for not believing her confession about the origin of the scar under her tattoo. More-so now because the reason for it was so she could fit in more and not have to work so hard to hide yet another piece of herself. **It looks fucked, but at least not like a bite, and don't chick's dig scars?**

Dina powered through many entries about Ellie's life in Jackson, the food, all of the people she met, how much she hated farm duty, and her progress with learning to play guitar, but most of it was about Dina. There were so many small sketches of Dina and her facial features. Ellie never failed to mention when the two girls hung out. It was apparent that the redhead had been hanging on her every move and word since the beginning, and it made her heart swell. She also felt guilty for playing with her heart for so long, just treating her like a pawn in her game of suitors. Dina loved to flirt with everyone, but flirting with Ellie was always different. She wished to go back to those moments to tell her best friend.

Around winter of her first year in Jackson, the entries got decidedly darker. Dina noticed less mention of happy things and more entries in poem or verse form. Where they lyrics perhaps? **All I can see are his sickening cold eyes. Hands all over my body. Blood running from the blade.** Fuck. This was heavy. Dina knew what it was like to deal with horrendous shit at a young age, but little Ellie had seemed to innocent, too fragile for anything that heavy. As she read on, it became clear that this person was part of that group of cannibals she told Dina about. What Ellie had left out was that she had killed him after he tried to touch her. It had happened during the winter, a winter in Colorado where Joel had almost died before finding her and saving her from a horrible death.

So far, Dina was putting together some pieces. Ellie already had some genuine reasons to have her walls up. But she was no closer to finding answers to who Riley was, what significance the hospital had, why Ellie and Joel seemed to have had a falling out, why Ellie disappeared while she was dating Cat. Dina read on through the pages, noting how much darker things got. Until an entry stopped her with a gasp.

 **I guess Dina and Jesse are dating now. Be happy for your friends Ellie! I wonder if I can ever have something like that. How can my first kiss be my last kiss? I should have just fucking put a bullet in my head after I had to shoot her. At least we'd still be together. Why didn't I fucking turn too? Why did I have to be the immune one?** Dina shuddered. The drawing below was of the familiar pendant. **Riley Abel 000129** And there it was. Riley was Ellie's first kiss, maybe first girlfriend. Shit, she could have been her first love? Dina read it again, and then again just to let it sink it. 

Ellie was bitten when she was 14, Dina knew that much. But clearly, she had no been alone. This Firefly, Riley, was with her and was bitten too. Ellie had to do the unthinkable, and at that moment, Dina broke out in a sudden loud sob. She vividly remembered Ellie ripping the broken mask from her face in Seattle. The sudden terror at the certainty of having to shoot the woman Dina loved before the redhead turned rippled through her body again. Ellie had to do that for someone she cared about. Mercy for the person not having to pull the trigger and live with those consequences. Surely Ellie was left with overwhelming guilt. Oppressive and heavy. Not only did she have to watch this girl die, but she was able to walk away and have a future. It was something Dina could never imagine.

Dina wanted nothing more than to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. It was like reading a long novel or watching an emotional movie, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from the page. She heard JJ stirring in his crib, and she bundled him to lay in bed with her as she read on. His presence gave her more strength to handle what awaited.

Dina began to wonder if she was on every page of the journal, that is until she turned to a page littered with a familiar moth. Mentions of Cat made this section hard to read. **I'm not contagious! And Cat likes me!!! What a fucking rollercoaster!!!!** It was hard to feel Ellie's enthusiasm jumping from her words. Dina had to remind herself that she was with Jesse, and it was unfair to expect Ellie to pine for her alone forever. Besides, if being with Cat meant Ellie was able to realize she could have a girlfriend, could be in love, then fuck it, it was worth it.

The moth's presence increased and increased. Drawings of anything else began to dwindle. Ellie's verses got darker and darker, which was confusing since Ellie had been so excited about having a girlfriend just pages before. Dina knew that her best friend was still dating Cat at this point. What was dragging her down? There were a few mentions of Dina's absence from her life, but surely that couldn't be it, right? Dina knew what was coming, like a movie she had already watched. The timeline for Ellie's sudden disappearance was approaching, and Dina felt guilty that her jealousy over Cat had played a part in that event.

 **I should be at the hospital by tonight. I don't know who or what I expect to find. All I know is that I'm anxious and scared.** A Firefly symbol and a quick sketch of a highway sign pointing towards Salt Lake City filled the rest of the page. The hospital. The hospital mentioned before, perhaps? And it was in Salt Lake. Ellie left and went to this hospital. She flipped the page anxiously, not really letting the words sink in.

 **He lied. He fucking lied. And he killed them all. Marlene, the doctors, fucking everyone. Now my life means nothing. I can't believe I am going back to Jackson with him. I could have been the cure. My life could have fucking mattered, and he took that away from me!!! How does he get to decide if I live or die? Why didn't anyone ask me if I was willing to give up my life for a cure?** Dina gasped and dropped the book. It all snapped into place like she found a missing piece of a long labored over puzzle.

Dina wept. Crying like she hadn't since her sister died. It was hard not to feel broken at the thought of what Ellie had endured, and Dina hadn't even gotten to the last two years. All of this time, she was certain her best friend was damaged most by Joel's death, but after reading this, his death held so much more gravity. No wonder why Ellie needed to avenge him. And holy shit, Abby, the WLF, they had to have been Fireflies. Ellie hid this all, the lie growing in magnitude every day for years. Each darkness and demon pilling on to it. Just one more reason why she could never let anyone in, never trust, never fully surrender to being loved.


	11. And your heart holds us together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie returns from hunting and has to answer for her actions during the trip.  
> Dina realizes how toxic her love for Ellie is.
> 
> *** WARNING *** This chapter contains homophobic language and violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Animal Kingdom's White Sparks

_"You know what? I'm leaving tomorrow, and if you want to come with me, great." Ellie was ready to leave everything she had grown to know and love behind in that instant. The hunger inside her was ravenous. Nothing could sate it but death and revenge. She hadn't slept since they put Joel in the ground a few days ago, and she couldn't manage to eat. Dina had tried to come around, but Ellie would ask her to leave after a short while. She didn't need to deal with the guilt of letting the woman she loved down on top of her grief._

_Now Tommy was sounding like wanted to back out of going after Joel's murderers. Neither of them had said it out loud, but it was fairly obvious that the group had some sort of ties to the Fireflies. Ellie didn't care regardless. There was no justification for the way Joel was ripped from her life in front of her eyes while she fucking begged. She planned to kill each one of them, their faces committed to memory. Part of her hoped to have the occasion to torture each one first, but seeing them dead would have to be enough. The dark, twisted fantasies had been dancing through her head, smothering any form of grief. That blood lust filled Ellie in a way that would have terrified her had she been in her right mind._

It was a familiar feeling she would grow to need over the last two years. Before she knew it, the feeling had smothered everything else in her life. Happiness was gone, sleep didn't come, and food lost its taste. There was no joy in anything for her anymore. It forced her to chase blood once more, leaving the things she loved most at the farm. But she could never come to terms with the consequences of those revenge missions, particularly the last one. 

Taking a life was a common thing in this world. Often times, it was kill or be killed; there was no choice. Making it brutal, well, that was a choice. It was a choice Ellie now had to live with for the rest of her days. It was hard not to believe the haunting visions of the people she killed were her punishment for their deaths. Joel paid his price in blood, right in front of her eyes in that basement. Hers would be slower, more tortuous. 

While the darkness in her had significantly quieted since she left California, Ellie knew it would never leave her for good. It was greedy, hungry, and it made her selfish. The things she did to cope were frequently horrible and vastly outside of her usual character. Sometimes the things she did, even when not in service of those dark voids, were for selfish reasons. Coming home was about seeing Dina and JJ again, for her own heartache. Not to help Dina, not to give JJ another parent. Letting Dina read her journal. That was so Dina would perhaps be more likely to forgive. Spending time with Cat and Shannon, it was so she could feel loved and wanted again. Ellie was smacked in the face by her overt selfishness. 

  
The ride back to Jackson was faster since they weren't taking time trying to track animals. Ellie had kept her mouth shut since the night after the kill, despite Shannon's increasing effort to make small talk. She was considering taking an abrupt turn anywhere on the trail and riding hard in any direction other than home. It was surprising how heavy she felt riding back through Jackson's gates. 

Mitchell met them at the gates. "Hey, ladies. You can ride straight on to the butchers to drop off that kill." Ellie noticed how he was pointedly staring at her as if he was trying to tell her something. She was already on edge, mulling over the consequences of all that had transpired during their short trip. Anything more was just too much, not to mention who knew what she was coming home to after Dina read her journal. Her body slumped into the saddle, and her head sagged. "Go on ahead, Shannon. I need to talk with Mitch for a sec." Shannon didn't question and simply rolled her blue eyes as she nudged her colt towards the butchers.

Before she was out of earshot, Mitchell had his hands on the mare's reigns. "Ellie, Seth is flipping out. He was looking for Shannon everywhere, and when he found out she was out hunting with you, Maria had to keep him from heading out after you!" Ellie's hands tensed on the leather in her hands. She instantly patted her back, feeling for her knife sheathed near her hips before dragging her hand over the holster holding Joel's old revolver. No part of her wanted a confrontation, but she damn sure was going to be prepared. Mitchell's eyes went wide. He looked as nervous as she felt. "Thanks for the heads up. I'm sure it's nothing." Ellie lied as she headed after Shannon, hoping to head her off before reaching Main Street.

Ellie caught up to her right on the edge of Main Street. It was mid-morning, and the streets were pretty empty, thankfully. Ellie had been dreading this conversation since they packed up camp, but it was inevitable. "Everything ok?" Shannon stilled her horse near the intersection, the Bison right in front of them. "Shan about the other morning." The blonde's face soured, but Ellie carried through with her planned statement. She had been authoring it internally for a few hours now. "I never meant to hurt you. I had no idea you felt..." Fuck! All that practice, and now she was ruining it. "I guess I didn't know you liked me like that, I mean if you do or whatever." Her green eyes shot from the mare's mane in front of her to the blue eyes searching her pleadingly. "And I wasn't trying to take advantage of you. I do care about you." An uncomfortable silence pricked her skin; her senses screamed at her to shut up and retreat. 

Suddenly she felt a violent tug at her back, yanking her hands from the reins and her feet from the stirrups. Without warning, her legs were over her head, and she was looking at the warm blue sky overhead. She was falling. The mud from the road shot up around her as her body landed with a hollow thud. Her eyes went dark, and before she knew what was happening, she heard a sickening crack as pain flashed under her eyelids. "Stop! No!" Her head snapped to the right, soaking her cheek in the mud and muck of the road below. A weight landed on her ribs, making it even harder to catch the breath lost from her fall to the ground. Another crack and a flash of red. "Fucking dyke!" was all she heard before temporarily losing consciousness.

The weight on her was relentless, but there was no noise anymore. Her eyes finally shot open, but the world was all blurs of different colors. Adrenaline barrelled through her veins. She could feel her head whipping back and forth and a vice-like, thick grip around her neck. Warm liquid was pooling in her mouth, but Ellie found herself unable to swallow. Her eyes widened; she was being strangled, but fucking Seth. Trying to wiggle free was impossible with all his weight on her. One of her hands tried to pry his fingers loose as she instinctively ran the other down her right thigh towards the revolver at her hip. 

As the edges of her vision began to fade and go dark, Ellie felt a rage start to fester within her. It shot through her veins and out her fingertips, making her grip on the pistol tighter. The overwhelming desire to see the inside of Seth's skull strewn across the mud under him grew. At that moment, Ellie wanted to rid the world of this hateful man. She thought of David and how the world was better off without him. He deserved what he got. But before she could pull the weapon, her vision went, and an old familiar voice echoed in her head. "Hózhó." 

It is an ancient Diné word she learned and heard over and over in New Mexico and Utah. It is a cornerstone of the Navajo philosophy. Meaning balance, harmony, beauty. We all walk along the edge of life and death, happiness and grief, and must strive to stay between those worlds. Ellie has been struggling with the delicate balance already, and killing Seth would disturb it even further. She knows it would be selfish to take him. The impact on so many things around her, so many things she loves, would be too great. How would it affect Shannon, this girl she cared for and had already hurt so much? What about Maria and Tommy? Indeed they would have no choice but to punish her in some way. Even self-defense would not be reason enough for murder on the Main Street of Jackson. And then her mind jumped to Dina and JJ. Life in Jackson would be unbearable for them, if only by simple association with a murderer. Ellie could never do that much damage. Instead, she is ready to go, and her hand slips from the pistol grip as her thoughts stop. This is the better choice, the unselfish one. Darkness takes her, and she sinks into it willingly.

The flicker of her brain plays the lines of Dina's face over and over on a loop. Brown eyes are gleaming, the ridge of her nose sweeping downward across a field of freckles leading straight to the delicate curve of her pink lips. It is all so close she feels she could reach out and run her fingertips over those olive cheeks. This must be heaven. And then the look on the woman's face changes in front of her. Her lips part, and Ellie hears clear as day, "Ellie!" There is a distinct pull, and she feels a little like she is falling headfirst, being dragged backward by her shoulders. 

Soon she is gasping, choking on spit and blood—the noise around her thrumming in her ears in waves and pulses. Ellie can feel tears tugging at her eyes, but there is no vision in front of her. Is this what dying feels like? It seems far too painful, she thinks, as she grasps at her burning throat. The ringing in her ears lessens, and she can feel the distinct throb of the pain in her jaw. The ground under her is soft and cool, and she can feel it between her fingers. The taste of blood fills her mouth. She is alive, and the scene around her opens in her field of vision to confirm it.

"What the hell is going on?" Maria's voice is the first sound she can distinguish and process properly. It is quickly followed by the sound of her lungs gasping for air. In front of her, Shannon is pulling on her father's arms, hanging with all her weight to keep him back from Ellie. "Dad, what are you doing!? Stop!" Ellie thinks the blonde's voice sounds desperate, terrified. It is a noise she has never heard from the girl, and it worries her. Tommy shuffles in between Ellie and the two figures struggling in front of her, one pulling away and the other pushing forward. "Seth, what the fuck did you do?" He sounds furious.

With her senses and breath returning, Ellie starts to feel more things in her body. Warmth radiates from behind her, accompanied by a slight rising and falling under her upper body in a steady motion. Her eyes close in the almost familiar comfort of it. Soon small hands grasp tenderly at her shoulders, and Ellie registers a familiar smell. She turns in surprise to see Dina's face twisted in fear and anger. Her brown eyes are searching Ellie's face and neck urgently with a worry Ellie knows all too well. Did she pull her away from the grip of death, under Seth, drowning in the darkness?

"That fucking dyke took advantage of my girl. Tommy, she fucking took her!" Seth's voice is full of venom and an unmistakable hatred. Dina counters that tone with a whisper, "Are you ok?" Ellie is dumbfounded, still unsure if she isn't dead and dreaming of waking in Dina's arms. "Dad, we just went hunting. She didn't..." Shannon's pause stings Ellie's heart. She knows what is coming. "You seriously gonna tell me that dyke didn't touch you?" Ellie looks into Dina's eyes, hoping to tell her silently how much she loves her, will always love her because what is about to happen could change how Dina feels. "Well..." This is it; she might as well have died in Seth's hands because it's all over now. 

"She kissed me, but..." Shannon starts but is interrupted. "You fucking filthy cunt!" Seth spits behind her, but Ellie keeps her gaze fixed on Dina. She watches as the woman's heart breaks right in front of her eyes. At least every other time she has hurt her, Ellie didn't have to witness the exact moment of it so viscerally, so up close. This is worse than death. The noise of a scuffle behind her indicates that Seth is trying to reach her. "Back up, Seth!" Tommy's gruff voice stops the noise as Dina pushes Ellie from her lap to rise. Ellie feels empty, as empty as the raven-haired woman's eyes looked before she disappeared through the small crowd gathered around the scene.

Ellie stands as fast as her body will allow, and her head spins. Maria moves up next to her and attempts to steady her by holding her shoulder. "Not now, Ellie. Let her go." her voice whispers as Ellie's desperation builds. "Stop it!" Shannon shrieks at her father. "Why do you have to be so hateful?" Ellie turns to watch the blonde collapse in a wail. "You. Are. Not. Like. Her." Seth is seething as he advances towards his daughter's sob wracked body. "But I am." Her voice is slight, so quiet and megger, it hurts Ellie to consider such weakness. "Over my dead body are you gonna be a dyke!" Seth rushes forward and grabs a fist full of blonde hair before Tommy, and few other men from the crowd tackle him back into the mud. 

"That is enough!" Maria's voice booms. "You are dead to me!" Seth yells from under the weight of the men restraining him. "You hear me, Shannon, you are dead. Go with your dyke! See how long she sticks around." Ellie's arms twitch, but before she can move, Maria is holding her shoulder tighter. "Take him to the church basement and lock him in until we figure out what to do." Maria turns to Ellie. "Get to the clinic and get looked over. I'll have Mitch take care of your horse and stuff. Just go on home after." Ellie thinks the look in the older woman's eyes means that this is not a request, so she turns and walks through the crowd that parts around her path towards the clinic.

_"Please die of old age and not because you get infected." Dina says it like a joke, but really, she is terrified of losing Ellie. While she knows that her best friend is more than capable, Dina feels restless whenever she is not around to watch her back. Any trip outside the gates where she is not accompanying the redhead leads to almost crippling anxiety. Aside from being a bit of a control freak, Dina also just couldn't handle the idea of Ellie not returning to her. This was a paranoia Dina had picked up from losing Talia and her mother. She firmly believed that her presence could have been the factor that prevented both of their deaths._

_Dina took pride in caring for Ellie in the small ways she let her. For now, that had to be rescuing her when she inevitably charged headfirst into some unknown danger. It was partially why Dina had grown so angry with Ellie disappearing randomly a few years back. Since then, her need to be near her best friend, particularly on patrol, had grown. It was hard not to notice how much more reckless Ellie had been since returning from where ever the hell she went, but also, it was apparent she was no longer talking to Joel. Without his watchful, protective presence, Dina knew she had to take the initiative. She couldn't lose anyone else, especially Ellie._

Dina jumped into the fray the second she realized who Seth had under him. A swift kick with her boots to his ribs was enough to loosen his grip around Ellie's neck enough. She quickly yanked on the redhead's shoulders and pulled her back into her lap and out of Seth's reach. Glaring down at her blue lips and paled skin, Dina panicked. She rubbed circles over her chest firmly on her sternum, trying to urge those green eyes open. Impatiently she called out her name and watched Ellie slowly choke back to life in her arms.

Sitting behind her, Dina thought about how many times she had come close to losing this woman she loved so much. Each one left its own distinct scar, and Dina was sick of adding to that collection. Still, she found herself giving a prayer of thanks that she could save Ellie one more time. The thought of her not hearing the commotion from the clinic doors interrupts her benediction. What would have happened if she hadn't been there? It is not lost on her that the redhead could have easily pulled the revolver strapped to her hip and ended the assault. Maybe Ellie wanted Seth to kill her?

The terror in her chest builds as Ellie comes to and turns to recognize her. Dina hears the yelling over the redhead's shoulder, but she fixates on the possibility that Ellie wanted to die. She desperately wants to ask the green-eyed woman if she wished to die. Instead, all that makes it out is, "Are you ok?" She kicks herself at her blatant inability to say what she really desires. The urge to wrap her arms around Ellie and tell her how sorry she is for all the things she has seen, done, and experienced grows. This attack is clearly just one more thing, just another trauma to add to her already ridiculous list, a list that now Dina is intimately familiar with after reading the redhead's journal. Yet they are stuck in the magnitude of the moment, succumbing to the weight of it all.

Dina considers that soon this situation will be diffused, and she will finally feel safe enough to say all the things she feels. It is a comforting thought as she surveys the redhead's face and neck for further injury. Consumed with the task at hand and the thoughts of the conversations to follow, Dina almost misses the admission from Shannon. "She kissed me, but..." Wait, what? Who kissed who? Surely not Ellie kissing Shannon, but the look in the green eyes ahead tells her it's true. The realization shots through her like a bullet to her heart, tearing her up. It is agony, nothing short of agony, and it paralyzes her. 

It takes her moment to process, but the scene ahead turns violent once more. The anger in her builds, not at Ellie or the blonde now sobbing in the mud. Dina is furious at herself for falling into the toxic pattern of trying to save someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck. There are mumbles among the crowd as it parts to let her through. She turns towards the daycare and makes her way quickly to the building before stopping and watching JJ play on the brightly colored carpet through the window. Dina might have lost herself in Ellie again, but JJ was still there, and she could always move forward.

  
Instead of heading home or back to the clinic, Dina finds her feet carrying her towards the cemetery. This time it is not Joel she wants to visit, although she considers stopping to ask him why he fucked Ellie up so badly. Dina thinks better of it and instead channels her anger inwardly. It was her fault she kept coming back for more on teh terrible ride that was loving Ellie. She almost curses herself as her feet bring her to a section of the cemetery she is decidedly less familiar with. In the corner, under an old Cottonwood, she finds Jesse's headstone. Susan came by almost daily to leave flowers for her son and talk with him. Unlike Joel's grave, his is well kept.

After the horror in the theater, the survivors, herself included, needed to find a way to move forward. Everyone was injured, critically almost, and on top of it, she was pregnant and sick. Part of moving forward was conceiving a plan to get back to Jackson, but another significant factor was how to get Jesse home. No one wanted to leave behind in that waterlogged hellhole. Dina had recommended trying to find a vehicle that could carry every and Jesse's body home. But traveling with a corpse was not something anyone wanted to add to the trauma they all already harbored. It's one thing to see someone you love dead. It's another to watch their body rot. So with much reluctance, the three of them agreed to burn Jesse's body and gather his ashes to bring home with them to Jackson. 

The evening before they left Seattle, she and Ellie prepared a pyre in the rear of the theater. Dina recited the prayers she could remember Talia taught her in broken Hebrew, and they lit the pyre. Ellie retreated to the roof to watch for anyone who might be drawn to their location by the smoke. Tommy was forced to remain inside, still unable to walk due to his leg injury. Dina sat alone watching a future she once was so certain about burn. 

It was an incredibly painful memory Dina didn't prefer to recall, which is why she avoided going near Jesse's grave whenever she found herself in the cemetery. Today, however, Dina needed to talk to him about her confusing and infuriating predicament. Sitting in the dirt around his headstone, Dina wondered how different her life would have been if she never broke it off with him. Could she have been happy with the security and consistency he provided but void of the kind of love Ellie allowed her to experience? Maybe she wouldn't miss what she never experienced had she just stayed in the safe space her relationship with Jesse afforded. Perhaps she wouldn't have gone to Seattle, maybe Jesse would still be alive, and JJ would have two parents.

Dina pulled at the grass under her knees, twisting the blades between her fingers. A thousand memories of Jesse steadying her when life got hard flooded over her. He always knew what to do or say to make things feel ok. Jesse would never do the wrong thing; he was such a good guy. Dina knew he would never hurt her, and yet it wasn't enough. She cried bitterly at the fact that everything he was just wasn't enough for her. Something had to be wrong with her if what she craved instead was this mess of heartache and uncertainty.

"Jesse, I am so sorry that I love her. I fucking wish I didn't." Dina sobbed into her hands as she remembered the first time Jesse suggested that she loved her best friend a little more than in a friendly manner. At the time, his suggestion seemed so ridiculous, it made her laugh. There was no way she loved anyone more than him...right? Beside's Dina didn't like girls like that, did she? As Jesse brought it up more and more, Dina started to get angry. Those conversations escalated into fights, which were the cause of most of their breakups over the years. He knew her so fucking well; he knew the way she looked at Ellie was deeper than she would ever look at him. And still, she dragged him around, trying desperately not to want the chaos accompanied by in love with her best friend.

Dina was starting to feel like she deserved this after how much she drug Jesse through the mud. It seemed like poetic justice that Ellie put her through the same dance of uncertainty. She tried to focus on all of the entries in the journal about her. All of the times Ellie poured her love for her out onto the pages. Dina knew Ellie loved her, but why had she kissed Shannon and Cat from what the tattooed woman had said a few days ago? 

It was hard not to wish Jesse had fought harder to keep her with him. Maybe she would have finally given in after finding out she was pregnant with JJ. Perhaps she could have closed her eyes and pushed those feelings for Ellie back to make it all work, but she knew that wasn't possible. Jesse cared about his friends above all else, and there was no way he would have let her sell herself short or settle. It would have been wrong for everyone.

Jesse loved Ellie and Dina enough to let Dina go when the time finally came. He gave it all he could, but Dina knew he would never hold her back. Still their last night together, he quietly asked her once to pick him. Dina was angry that he put that on her, and that anger made it easy to break up with him without having a serious, heartfelt conversation that would have been difficult for her. It gave her an easy out, one that she took because anger was more manageable than knowing she was breaking his heart. Now she wished her heart could have picked him instead, that she could have granted his only request of her. "I hope your son is like you and not me. That is what I pray for most." 


	12. Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie gets a new roommate and confesses her feelings, sort of...  
> Dina interrupts a heated affair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time

_"Is she pregnant?" Ellie hates that she has to be the one to tell Jesse. This should have been happy news to him, maybe even to her under different circumstances. There is no joy in it, the grey Seattle light leaking through the theater's ceiling, sagging under the weight of the rain, and the sad air all three of them are consumed in. Ellie wishes the roof would crack open and let sunlight pour in to warm her damp aching bones. It would feel so much better to tell Jesse he was going to be a father in that kind of warmth. Instead, they are all here, in this damp hell, because of her._

_Ellie knows they should turn around immediately and head back to Jackson. It was terrible enough Tommy and Dina were dragged into her revenge plot, but now she was endangering Jesse and, worse, an unborn child. Jesse saying it out loud just makes it harder to ignore. She had been so single-tracked in her thinking, letting her tunnel vision take her this far, that she had feigned looking for Tommy as an excuse to continue her search for Abby. Those voids were making her do awful things, dragging those she loved down with her._

Ellie found herself in the familiar yellow glow of one of the clinic's rooms. The ice bag she had pressed to her jaw and cheek was burning the skin on her face, but it was an excellent distraction from Cat's inquisitive stare. The tattooed woman was running her fingers over Ellie's neck and jaw, probing for signs of severe damage. Her brow was furrowed, and she looked genuinely angry. Ellie realized she had never seen Cat angry, and it was making her worry. Was she pissed at her?

"Can you swallow ok?" Ellie nodded yes but didn't really want to use her voice, confident it would be gravely and burn her throat. "Let me get you some water." Cat rushed out of the room, seeming preoccupied with tending to Ellie but still silently avoiding the obvious questions hanging over the scene. There was going to be plenty to answer for, and she was thankful that Cat was more concerned with doing her job instead of indulging in her curiosity. For her part, Ellie wasn't sure she could bring herself to answer any questions at this point anyhow. She was far too consumed with the consequences of her barely lucid transgression in the tent.

Ellie was so lost in her thoughts that she missed the commotion from outside her door until it swung open. "I told you I need to talk to her." Shannon barged in with Cat at her heels. "You can't go in an exam room. What the fuck, Shannon!" Despite her protests, the blonde made it in, and Ellie just put up her hand in surrender, stilling the yelling dark-haired woman following behind. 

"Ellie, are you ok? I am so sorry." The blonde threw herself at Ellie's feet, sobbing. Cat reached over her to hand Ellie a glass of water before rolling her eyes at the mess Shannon was making of herself on the floor. "M' fine." Ellie was surprised her voice didn't sound worse than it did. She choked down a sip of water, swallowing more blood than anything else. Her windpipe was aching horribly, and the cuts in her mouth stung, revealing their precise locations. Ellie was avoiding eye contact with either of the two women in the room. It wasn't necessarily out of shame, but more out of self-preservation. She was fighting a breakdown.

Cat somehow pried the wailing blonde from the floor in order to wrap up her work. Shannon sniffled faintly in the corner of the room. No one said anything as Cat stitched the inside of Ellie's bottom lip. One of the blows had resulted in her bottom teeth piercing through the valley below her bottom lip. She was lucky Seth didn't knock out any of her teeth. Part of her was thankful for the quiet, reassuring presence of these two women who clearly cared for her, but it also complicated things. Ellie was well aware they both wanted more than a friendship with her. She couldn't help but wonder if they were both in the room just to jockey further for her affections. Those thoughts were making her bitter since what she really needed at the moment were friends.

A small knock came from the door as Cat was cleaning Ellie's final cut on her now swollen cheekbone. "Ellie?" It was Maria. Cat's eyes shot to Ellie, asking permission silently to answer. Ellie nodded and noticed Shannon fidgeting uncomfortably. She looked almost trapped or cornered. Ellie could tell she wanted to leave, but the only way out was past Maria at the door. Ellie watched her panic-stricken blue eyes dart around the room as Cat opened the door, allowing Maria to enter. 

Maria's steel-blue eyes fixed on Ellie immediately, before glancing at Cat holding the door open. "How is she?" Ellie's brow furrowed, and she pulled the ice pack from her jaw. "I'm fine. Seriously." All three women seemed to sigh in unison, frustrated with Ellie putting on the tough façade. "Well, we need to talk about what happened. I need all the facts, ok? Cat, if you are done, can you please give the rest of us a moment?" Ellie watched as Shannon's face twisted in horror. She shot the anxious blonde what she hoped was a calming half-smile behind her ice pack. The gesture hurt more than it was worth, but Shannon did seem to settle.

Recounting the events of the day was pretty straight forward. Ellie was attacked from behind, blindsided. That was all she remembered, well all she cared to share anyhow. Shannon clarified more of the details of the attack. Apparently, Seth appeared to have clear intentions of killing Ellie and would have if Dina had not stepped in. It was good to hear what happened when she was unconscious. The thought of Dina so fiercely defending her both made her heart swell and ache because what happened after was awful. Dina had her heart broken, or at least that's how it looked to Ellie. The two women left out anything about Shannon's confession of what happened on their hunting trip. By the time the story was recounted, the ice pack was little more than a weeping water bag, and Ellie felt as deflated as it was.

Maria had been nodding through the timeline, only stopping them to ask a few questions here and there. She waited patiently for the story to be complete before asking, "So Shannon, has your father ever talked about harming Ellie or any other Jackson resident?" Shannon sucked in a nervous breath. The long pause before her answer told Ellie and Maria everything they needed to know. "What has he said?" Shannon started sobbing again, and Ellie felt horrible. She couldn't imagine having to talk about all the bad shit Joel had ever said or done. Regardless of what a bigot and general asshole Seth was, he was still Shannon's parent.

"He said one time that all fags and dykes deserved to die. Not even be infected just wiped from the face of the earth. He said they..." She paused, twisted her face, and finally settling her ocean blue eyes on Ellie. "He said WE are abominations, worse than Cordyceps." Ellie wanted to be shocked at Shannon coming out to at such a moment, but she hid it well enough to encourage the girl. Despite all that had transpired in the last 48 hours, this woman was still just trying to live her truth. Ellie couldn't help but admire Shannon's strength.

Maria looked very concerned and almost angry. "Thank you, ladies. That's all I needed." She rose from her seat. "Shannon. Do you have a place to stay?" Ellie felt, rather than heard, her own voice exit her sore voice box. "She is staying with me. I have the room." The younger blonde's head shot to look at her quizzically. Still, Ellie avoided eye contact, staying focused on Maria now already at the door. Maria nodded once and exited the room as Ellie collected her things.

At the time, she wasn't quite sure why she so readily offered her home to Shannon. In the scheme of things, it wasn't the best idea. It could lead the girl on, make Seth angrier or worse, totally fuck things up with Dina even more than they already were. Regardless, Ellie couldn't help but remember how awful it was for her when she no longer had Joel at her back. She was left alone in the world, pinning for a woman who showed no indication of ever wanting her back. She saw herself in Shannon's current situation and just wanted to help. Not to mention, she felt partially responsible. Sure, Seth was a homophobic piece of shit and would have been that way regardless, but Ellie had made it worse by leading Shannon on.

  
Shannon went to her childhood house to collect some of her things before meeting Ellie at home. Ellie had been busying herself preparing the spare room, what used to Joel's old studio, for Shannon. Luckily, she started converting it into more of a bedroom, dreaming that one day maybe JJ would use it as his room. That all seemed so fucking silly and fantastical now. She didn't even let herself hope that Dina and JJ would be back in her life ever again, especially after today.

When Shannon showed up, Ellie led her to her new room and told her the adjacent bathroom was all hers. She was happy that she had her own ensuite bathroom, and they didn't have to share. There would be no confusion that this co-habitation was strictly platonic. Ellie was prepared to say it plainly if she needed to. It wasn't clear how long the blonde would need to stay, but she knew Maria would be working on a plan to get Shannon her own place soon. She left Shannon to settle in and went to take a long-overdue shower.

Ellie fought the urge to pass out, still wrapped in nothing but her damp towel. The shower had washed away some of the crap of the last couple of days, but her body was still exhausted. She drifted off to sleep, sprawled face down across the bottom of her bed, her hair soaking the old bedspread under her. Her hope was to formulate some unconscious solution to rectify what had happened with her new roommate and Dina.

  
A small knock on her door jostled her from her nap. "Ellie. Are you hungry? I can make some dinner." Her face was hurting even more than it had earlier, causing a throbbing headache that radiated from her jaw into her temples. Blood and drool had pooled under her cheek, staining the covers beneath her. The area around her neck was sore when she breathed or swallowed, and the skin burned to the touch. Could she even eat?

"I'll come down and help. Give me a sec." She weakly stuttered out the words as she moved to grab some comfy clothes from her dresser. Part of her wanted to stay locked in her room indefinitely. It would be the surest method to avoid any conversations of meaning with Shannon, but that was ridiculous. This was her home, and Shannon deserved some answers. Ellie pulled a baggy long sleeve over her head and headed downstairs, running her fingers through her still damp red locks. She was resolved to tell Shannon her heart belonged to Dina and Dina only. The blonde deserved the truth.

Shannon was scrounging up some of the leftover vegetables in the fridge and a white paper packet wrapping some mutton. "You good with mutton stew? You have all these veggies that I'm sure will go bad if we don't use them soon." Ellie nodded and added, "I can start chopping if you want?" Before Shannon could oblige, there was a knock at the front door. Ellie froze in sudden terror. Who the fuck was at the door, and what if it was Dina? The blonde appeared to notice the concern in her eyes and said, "Should go upstairs?" Ellie shook her head and shuffled towards the front door.

Thankfully, or maybe mournfully, it was only Cat. "Hey, Ells." She sounded happy, but cautious. "I brought you a little something for the pain." She winked as she opened her outstretched palm to reveal three perfectly rolled joints. Ellie couldn't help but smirk, despite the pain it sent up her jaw. This was the tattooed woman's equivalent of making someone you love soup or covering them with a blanket when they were sick. "Thanks. Do you wanna join us for dinner?" Ellie figured it would be less awkward with another person, even if that person often tried to make it uncomfortable on purpose. Not to mention she could tell both of them her true feelings; two birds one stone type of deal. Really though, Ellie was nervous and wanted to keep it from being too intense a conversation. Cat shifted her weight on one leg. "Us?" Ellie moved aside to open the door further and allow her ex entry. "It's a long story."

  
The three women stayed pretty silent while cooking, but that changed once Cat insisted on cracking open the bottle of vodka Ellie had stashed in the freezer. "So, I heard a rumor." Both Shannon and Ellie groaned loudly at what was undoubtedly the start of the onslaught of Cat's usual bullshit. "What the fuck you two? I guess I can assume it was the truth then?" Ellie shook her head. "Come on, Cat. What was it." She could tell the dark-haired woman was almost bursting at the seems to release it. "Well, rumor has it that you two got up to something while you were out 'hunting.'" She pantomimed air quotes when saying hunting in the most obnoxious tone Ellie had ever heard from her. 

Shannon pulled the lid from the stockpot to add some herbs she had just chopped before casually answering, "Yea, we shot an elk. So that is something." Ellie snickered into her glass before taking a sip of the ice-cold clear liquid. The drink's coolness was actually soothing and lacked any of it's usually fire now that it was so chilled. Not to mention the buzz was dulling her pain. Cat scoffed. "You mean to tell me blondie, that you shared a tent with this gorgeous woman right here. The same one we all know you have been in love with forever, and you didn't make a move?" Her eyebrow cocked at Shannon as the blonde scraped down the chopping board with the blade of a large knife. Ellie thought this could get real ugly and suddenly became far too aware of the sharp weapon in Shannon's hand. Instead, she turned and pointed the knife at Cat and answered, "No, she made a move on me."

Ellie couldn't help but hold her head with her free hand. Suddenly her headache seemed so much worse. Cat's head swiveled between the two other women. "Don't worry, Cat." The blonde started in. "She was half asleep and totally thought I was..." Cat answered for her. "Let me guess, fucking Dina." She said her name with such vitriol that Ellie almost wanted to yell in Dina's defense. Instead, Ellie watched as the two other women smirked at one another and nodded.

  
The meal itself was delicious, and the company was good. The topic didn't return to anything uncomfortable for its duration, and for that, Ellie was thankful. The three sat, finishing off the bottle of vodka and joking around. It was actually exactly what she needed, just some friendly banter and laughs. The liquor was doing its job, loosening her up and keeping her body and heart from aching. But despite the jovial nature of the threesome's time together, Ellie couldn't help but feel worried about tipping the delicate balance between each one of the participants. It seemed evident that everyone in the room knew how the other felt, and that alone was awkward. Ellie felt like she was just delaying the inevitable, but at the moment, she was too scared to bring up anything serious. Her bold plans to set the record straight with both women were flying out the window with her sobriety. 

"Ells, I have to know..." Cat tapped her spoon on the rim of her now-empty bowl. "Why are you still hanging out here with us?" Ellie was genuinely caught off guard. She thought the whole night had been great, just hanging out and having fun. Had Cat picked up on her true intentions? Was she so drunk she said what she was thinking without noticing? What the hell was Cat implying? Shannon didn't seem bothered by Cat's question but was leaning in towards Ellie, expecting an answer. "Wha? Where else would I be?" Ellie mumbled. "Ellie, do you want to be with either one of us?" The blonde interjected, and it frankly took Ellie by surprise. Guilt rushed through her body, waking her from the gentle lull of the alcohol already in her veins. She had been hoping to avoid answering this question directly now that she abandoned her earlier plan. "It's ok, Ells. Just tell us." 

Truthfully Ellie loved both women deeply. She cared about them both, but she did not want to be in a relationship with either one. Sometimes she thought it would easier if only her heart would obey and pick one of these wonderful women who clearly would do anything for her. Part of her wished it was that cut and dry, someone wants you, you want them back. But it wasn't. Not even close. Dina had barged into her heart and ruined her. Ellie was Dina's forever, and trying to fight that or pretend it wasn't true was no longer an option. She didn't need to answer; the two other women already knew her heart. Cat interrupted her thoughts. "I know this is your house, but get the fuck out of here and go get her already." And Shannon added, "Or haven't you wasted enough time already?"

_"Hey. What the fuck was that?" Dina is furious. It's starting to feel like every time she gets closer to having that life she had dreamed of with Ellie, something or someone comes along to rip it from her grasp. Tommy is just the latest thief in a long line. How can this keep happening over and over? She knows that Ellie was already breaking, and now she is positive this will push over the precarious edge she had been toeing. Dina tries not to dwell on her increased absence from the farmhouse, the lack of appetite, her frequent disappearance from their bed._

_"You don't come back here with that shit to my house ever again." She tries to sound angry and powerful instead of weak, but she knows the clock is ticking on the happy respite that was this fairytale at the farm. This time, a lame, broken man and a map will pull the love of her life from her heart. Bracing for the searing pain is futile. Nothing can prepare you for losing a piece of your soul, and although Dina imagines it is what Ellie is feeling herself, she wishes she could have been the one to patch that hole. She wishes she was enough to make her stay._

Dina had been mopping around the house until Susan showed up with JJ in her arms. The older woman seemed really concerned with what she heard had taken place that day. No doubt, she had heard that Dina was involved physically, but the two never discussed it directly. Instead, Susan just made sure Dina was safe and unharmed. As always, JJ was simply happy to be in his mom's arms again, and Dina was thankful to be able to hug her son after such a nightmare of a day. Playing with him and going through his evening routine was a great distraction from her crippling heartache. 

JJ was splashing around the tub when Susan interrupted to let Dina know that Maria was here to see her. Jesse's mom took over bathing her grandson as Dina rose to dry herself as much as possible before meeting Maria in the living room. She found the older blonde in the living room chatting with Robin. They seemed to be discussing available move-in ready homes, but Dina tried not to pay their conversation any mind. She focused on mentally preparing for whatever Maria was there to discuss, certain it had to be about the day's events.

"Well, thank you, Robin. I'll keep you posted on when we'll be needing one." Dina assumed Maria meant a house, likely for Shannon. "Dina, are you free to give me your account of the day?" Dina nodded and took a seat on the old familiar couch in the living room. Robin offered Maria something to drink and then slipped away upstairs to leave the two women to talk. "First of all, are you oK? Any injuries, even minor?" Dina shook her head no. She hadn't yet spoken a word since coming down the stairs. "Good. Go ahead and start from the beginning of what you saw and heard."

Dina was not particularly excited to recount the day's trauma. It wasn't just the fight that was eating at her, and she wished she had more time to process before having to so quickly retell her side. "I was heading to the Bison to grab a late breakfast, and I heard the yelling. There were already a few people gathering around, so I couldn't really see who was involved right away." She avoided making eye contact with Maria as the older blonde leaned in from her spot on the adjacent love seat to listen intently. "When I got closer, I saw Seth had Ellie by the throat." She stuttered a bit, trying to fight back desperate sobs fighting their way out of her rapidly constricting throat. Maria thankfully read the situation and offered a bit of relief. 

"What was Ellie doing?" In truth, Dina hadn't considered that exact moment too carefully since it happened. Her mind had been snagged on the events after. She closed her eyes and tried to picture the scene again. Shannon, screaming for her father to stop as she yanked on his broad shoulders. Ellie beneath him in the mud, her green eyes wide open taking in the scene at first. Dina gasped. "She was reaching for her revolver on her hip with one hand and pulling at his fingers with her other." At that moment, it became clear that Ellie could have defended herself. She was lucid and knew she was in danger. More importantly, the redhead had her hand on a deadly weapon. All she had to do was pull it. Dina's breath stilled as she looked at Maria for the first time in the exchange. Why hadn't Ellie just defended herself?

Maria luckily didn't dwell on the detail, but Dina couldn't pry it from the front of her mind. Ellie was one of the fiercest fighters in Jackson. Dina had seen her in far more dangerous and deadly situations than that, and Ellie had clawed her way through them. It dawned on her that the reason she intervened in the first place was because Ellie looked like she was already dead in Seth's hands. But she hadn't been so when Dina arrived on the scene. Had Ellie given up?

There were a few questions on some details, but the conversation was short. Maria thanked her before letting herself out into the warm summer evening. Dina, on the other hand, was stuck in place on the couch. She felt a sinking feeling at her revelation during her testimony. After reading everything she had in Ellie's journal, her concern for the redhead's mental health grew exponentially. Maybe the two of them were really over, but that didn't change her love for the other woman. She swiftly rose from her seat and grabbed her Hamsa bracelet from around the base of the Menorah on the fireplace mantle before rushing out the front door.

Her impulses carried her the majority of the way, spurring her on without too much thought. But as she rounded the corner to the culdesac where Joel's, now Ellie's large house sat, her nerve wavered. Walking the few steps to the porch took a little more effort than she had budgeted for. A familiar smell flooded over her, and it took a nostalgic moment of reflection to put her finger on exactly where she remembered it from. Home, home as in New Mexico. Lavender. Her eyes caught sight of the bushes flanking the short stairway. Those hadn't been there before, she was certain of it. Lavender in Jackson was not something she knew existed. It was clear someone had planted it recently, the bushes barely growing in small mounds, but already fragrant. Did Ellie plant those? Better yet, where the fuck did she find it? She hadn't even seen it since leaving the southwest.

Dina was ripped from her reverie by the sound of music pouring from the house ahead. It was unfamiliar, bassy and coarse, uncharacteristic for Ellie's tastes. After her it, she ascended the steps two at a time, and the open window greeted her with lyrics pouring out in staccato cadences. It was rap. Ellie would never. Would she? Dina knocked apprehensively. Her heart was almost recoiling in fear of what would be on the other side of the door. A series of whispers and giggles came from inside. There were two voices, two female voices. Her instincts blared at her to fling herself from the porch and out of sight. She glanced around, looking for the nearest hiding spot in terror as she heard soft footsteps approaching the door quickly. Damn those lavender bushes for not being bigger. 

The door cracked open, and Dina was met with light blue eyes and blonde curls dropping around bare shoulders, only covered with a knitted blanket. Both women's eyes widened in horror. Dina wanted to puke all over Shannon before punching her square in her throat, which was blatantly covered in fresh hickies. "Di...Dina." "No fucking way!" Another voice yelled out from behind the door. It was followed by a sharp laugh, full of brass. Dina pushed the door open with both hands forcing the blonde backward into the house. A trail of clothing snaked from the dining room into the living room, and at its end, a topless Cat was pulling on a shirt that clearly was too small for her voluptuous breasts. No way that was her shirt. It was fucking pink.

"What the fuck?" Her tone wasn't even angry, just confused, and desperate. Her eyes frantically roamed the corridor for Ellie. She pushed past both women, confident that she would find Ellie hiding in some corner. An empty vodka bottle and three dirty bowls, glasses, and spoons were left on the dining room table. Three people were here and clearly ate dinner together before whatever the fuck this is happened. Dina turned to see Shannon's panicked look and Cat's stupid smirk in the ill-fitting pink shirt. "She isn't here." Cat was so matter of fact about everything all the time, and frankly, Dina was over it. Something in her snapped, and for the first time, she watched Cat's face change to a look of fear as she approached with both fists clenched at her sides.

"Dina, please! She's telling the truth." Shannon was wailing and pleading again, for the second time today. But Dina couldn't bring herself to feel bad; in fact, she barely stopped herself from turning and punching the blonde first. Instead, she moved on Cat, grabbing her by the stupid, tight pink shirt and almost growled between her teeth, "Where. The. Fuck. Is. She?" The Polynesian woman looked flustered in a way Dina had never seen, and it was making her so happy to finally break this woman. The one who took so much pleasure in tormenting her. The tattooed woman opened her mouth, likely to answer, but nothing came out, and Dina shook her firmly, hearing the dumb pink fabric tear slightly in her hands.

"Stop it. We told her to go talk to you, and she left. Hours ago. Now let her go!" Dina loosened her grip some and turned over her shoulder to eye the blonde. "Or what!?" No sense in trying to control her anger now. Instead, she indulged it, completely glancing over Shannon's explanation for Ellie's absence. Suddenly she felt hands grip her wrists and pull downward, ripping the ugly fabric from her hands. "Enough, Dina!" Cat stepped backward. "Shannon is telling the truth, and you are being crazy. Ellie went to find you. Because despite both of us trying to win her over, she still wants your fucking crazy ass for some reason, and you are too fucking stupid and stubborn to do anything about it! Both of you are so fucking blind! I can't handle it anymore." Cat moved around Dina and grabbed Shannon's hand before dragging the blonde down the hall towards the stairs. Dina heard a door close upstairs over the music.

Her confusion had now reached epic levels. Why were those two in Ellie's house if she was gone, making themselves so inappropriately at home? She stood alone in the hallway, dumbfounded for way too long before finally retreating to the porch. The smell of the lavender grounded her as she took a seat on the top step, resolving to wait for Ellie to come back home if she even was really gone.


	13. This air is blessed, you share with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie makes a long-overdue visit.  
> Dina finally gets some clarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down

_"I mean, they didn't need to go to space, but they did it anyway. It's...ballsy." That is the only explanation Ellie can muster at the moment. Joel put her on the spot, and as they wander around the rest of the exhibit, she realizes that there is more to her answer. She doesn't only love that space exploration is "ballsy." It is also not something that everyone can do. That kind of thing is reserved for people who are special, an elite few whose lives mean something. People she has now read about and memorized their accomplishments and names. Their way of life is long since gone, maybe even their bloodlines, but the things they did, those are forever._

_Sitting in the capsule, Ellie is overjoyed at how special this is, making her feel. Maybe one day she will do something that will mean she matters too. This trip reminds her that despite her not being humanity's cure, there is more out there. She can be more. And then Joel hands her the tape, and she knows it is the truth deep down in her soul. There is more out there for her. Joel is showing it to her right now._

Ellie had left the table reluctantly. She didn't really want to leave her house, but she knew the two other women were expecting some sort of definitive confirmation of what they all silently knew. Her actions would speak louder than any pre-rehearsed speech she had dreamed up to convey her feelings. The only problem was she didn't feel prepared to go to Dina straight away, particularly after the day's events. Neither of her house guests knew what Shannon's admission of their heated exchange in the tent had done to Dina. Neither of them had seen her face. Still, Ellie knew that making them think she was heading to Dina's was the surest way to make her intentions clear. Her heart belonged to someone other than either of the two women seated at her dining room table. 

Ellie left the house with one of Cat's joints tucked behind her ear and no destination. Surely a few hours away would be enough to ensure Cat had returned home for the evening. Hopefully, Shannon would have retired to her guest room for the night as well. The vodka was still doing its work, numbing most of her injuries from earlier in the day, and after such a pleasant evening with her two dinner guests, it was easy to almost forgot what happened only hours before. Despite that, Ellie still didn't want to deal with inquisitive stares or questions from any townspeople, so going to the Bison or any other public place was out of the question.

  
The giant wrought iron gate greeted her with little regard. She knew it was well past "visiting hours," but the dead didn't abide by the living's notion of time. Luckily no one had found it necessary to lock the gates, only close them. She pulled on the heavy metal pin holding the left gate in place in the ground. It squealed under her ministrations, giving her intrusion away to anyone within earshot. She swung it open just enough to squeeze in and headed down the curved path towards Joel's grave.

Ellie hadn't visited since the day she and Dina left for Seattle. It wasn't that she didn't want to. It was just something she had been putting off and avoiding, afraid that the grave would conjure even more of that consuming darkness inside her. Perhaps it was something she wished to shove down like the memory of the basement, but she wagered if that could be braved, so could this.

The wooden headstone greeted her with the same empty regard as she had felt when last she saw it two years ago. There was sparse, newly growing grass over the dirt and a very meticulously arranged collection of stones on the mound below the marker. The stones confused her until she recalled Dina talking about leaving stones at her mother and sister's graves, some sort of tradition Ellie didn't commit to permanent memory, and now one she regretted not giving more of her attention. Ellie's brain fixated on the realization that she never knew what she had with Dina. Never paid her enough attention. It was an eerily painful thing to consider when standing in front of Joel's grave. A person who was taken from this world so suddenly that it left her overwhelmed with regret. Still, Ellie was struck that the experience of being in front of his resting place was sitting so well with her. She had half expected a severe panic attack or tears even, but instead, she just felt safe. It felt like being home. 

Grabbing the joint from behind her ear, she flicked open the lighter she had stolen from Cat earlier and lit it. She sat with her legs crossed, just to the side of the front of his headstone, taking special care not to disturb the stones Dina had obviously left with such care. "Hey, old man. Long time huh?" She exhaled her first pull of smoke. "Sorry it took me so long. I guess I still don't fully believe that you can hear me or whatever but, you know fuck it." She sighed before blowing gently on the joint's lit cherry to make sure it was burning evenly. "I fucking miss you, old man. So much. And things, well, they're kind of fucked right now. But I guess if you can hear me, you already know that, huh?" She chuckled, running over all the things he would likely be telling her at the moment if he was there. "I probably should have let you beat the shit out of Seth that night." Her free hand reached out to trace the letters of Joel's name over the wooden marker. "Dina been visiting, huh? What the fuck do I even do there?" 

The whole single-sided exchange didn't feel as weird as she had once pictured. Maybe this is what it was like when Dina prayed? Just some solitary conversation to the universe in hopes that somehow it became a reality. It sounded silly in her head, but now doing it, Ellie felt comforted, like maybe her hopes weren't just some arbitrary things. Talking about them, even to no one, gave them substance, and that gave her peace.

She squeezed the cherry from the joint after noticing that she was far too stuck in her own thoughts about praying, hopes, and other existential musings that were making her head float. After tucking the remaining joint behind her ear, she swiveled on her spot and laid her head down next to the mound. The sky was magnificent tonight, full of a blanket of stars so thick and clear she swore she could make out their gaseous halos for miles. Or maybe it was just the weed? Either way, she couldn't help but remember the two of them sitting side by side in the space capsule of that museum on her birthday. That was one of her most precious memories.

"You know, old man, we never talked about the Space Shuttle, did we? I know you were alive for that one. Bet it was crazy. I read they broadcasted the whole thing into classrooms and shit. That had to be crazy for kids to see on TV. Fuck." She thought about all those kids and how so many, for the first time, saw the danger and heartbreak of the world for the first time after witnessing such a tragedy. Her mind couldn't help but wonder at what point JJ would come to that exact realization.

Ellie sighed out a deep breath to the stars hanging overhead, wondering what was out there. She knew danger and heartbreak, but surely that wasn't all that made up this universe. It was sad to think she may never truly know, but hell, she was alive and home. Those two things were enough by her estimation, especially of all she had to do just to arrive here. At that moment, she was thankful Dina had saved her earlier that day. Now she had a chance just to think all this, feel it all for at least one more day, and then her mind shot to Joel and how he had done the same. Saving her so she could have a chance to even know more of what was really out there. If going to space in his time was "ballsy," living and loving in her time was the equivalent.

"I never got to say thanks, old man. You know for all of it." Warm tears ran from the corners of her eyes, soaking into her hairline. "Earlier today, I well. I almost gave up but now, fuck, I'm glad I'm alive. I'm thankful to be home again. I never would've known what this felt like if...." She stopped herself to gather a cleansing breath deep into her lungs. "If you hadn't saved me from the Fireflies." She closed her eyes and let the moment wash over her. "Love you, old man."

It was the first time she ever said the words out loud, and this man, who had given her everything, was not there to hear them. She hated that she thought they had longer. That maybe she would tell him one day, always putting it off. Those were the thoughts of a child; Ellie knew that now. Time was never guaranteed and wasting it meant that someone was left with regret, and the other left never knowing. Ellie knew what the two women at the dinner table meant now. She had wasted enough time already. It was time to stop, lest the person she loved most in the world be left never knowing the truth.

Ellie spent more time just laying in silence, star gazing through teary eyes before finally rising to leave. "I promise not to take so long to come visit again. Miss you, Joel." Her fingertips ran over the letters carved into the headstone once more, feeling each like a scar. She made her way down the curved path and back out the heavy gate into the glow of the street lights. Hopefully she was gone long enough to appease the two women she left at the table. Going to Dina's at this hour was out of the question, and after such a taxing day, nothing sounded better than her bed. 

Making her way towards the front of her house, she kept her eyes fixed on the ground, kicking loose pebbles ahead mindlessly. Tomorrow she really would need to stop hiding from everything that scared her. It was time to make this right or move on. No one can live in limbo like this forever, and she knew it would bury her. Still, her heart swelled with hope as the familiar smell of the lavender she had planted told her she was nearing home. The seeds she brought back from New Mexico were flourishing already, and she was hopeful that one day Dina would be able to enjoy their fragrance also. Ellie stopped to breathe them in before ascending the stairs to her front door. The smell relaxed her.

"It reminds me of home." Ellie jolted up immediately at the voice coming from the porch. Her heart jumped into her throat as her anxiety built. She was keenly aware of a desire for the moment to progress further, faster. Unfolding all of its mystery quickly, like reading ahead in a book to make sure it would all turn out ok. And yet, she wanted time to slow, to remember every detail of this moment forever. Dina leaned against the porch support, arms crossed, looking every part the love of her life. Ellie blinked, praying to every higher power she could recall that Dina would still be there when she reopened her eyes.

"Where did you get it?" Dina stepped off the porch, slowly making her way towards a stunned Ellie. As she approached closer, Ellie could make out her cocked eyebrow, no doubt from Ellie's lack of acknowledgment. Talk stupid! Her heart tried to kickstart her slow brain and get it to cooperate with opening her mouth. Dina stopped on the step directly in front of Ellie, making their eyes level, and tilted her head, expecting a reply. "Uh...um....Ne...New Mexico. A small farm along the Rio Grande." Fuck finally, Ellie breathed a short sigh of relief as she watched Dina's face change. 

Those familiar brown eyes turned soft as the tension left Dina's frame. The raven-haired woman bent to smell and touch the plants with delicate fingertips. The way she looked at them, Ellie knew that look was reserved for things and people she adored; JJ, her family's Menorah, Ellie's singing voice, just to name a few. "How?" She looked sideways at Ellie, who at the moment was lost in wishing Dina would just look at her like that one more time.

When Ellie didn't answer, Dina raked her closed fist over one of the bush's stems, pulling the small purple flowers from it. The smaller woman rubbed the handful between both of her flattened palms and then cupped them to her nose before leaning forward to outstretch her hands towards Ellie's face. Ellie stepped forward, her eyes stuck in the brown ones in front of her, and smelled deep before the aroma made them flutter shut. "It's like I'm still there in the fields." She couldn't help but get caught up in the moment and remember what it was like to walk through the miles of purple rows.

"Why were you there?" Dina dropped her hands to her side, letting the crushed flowers fall around their feet. Her tone lacked the softness of the tender moment they just shared. This time Ellie felt prepared to answer. "Someone once told me New Mexico had the best sunsets. I had to see if they were full of shit or not." She smirked, and Dina's eyes lit up at her answer. Ellie couldn't keep herself from blushing. The brown-eyed woman smiled in return before breaking the awkward silence by rubbing her hands together to remove the remnants of the crushed lavender.

"Why...What are you doing here?" Ellie was curious but not sure how to ask without sounding dismissive or annoyed. Now it was Dina's turn to appear awkward. "Where were you?" She stayed looking at her palms, picking at stubborn pieces of petals stuck to the creases found there. "Uh. I went to visit the old man. Why?" Dina only shrugged in response. "Your turn, D. I answered your question, so..." The smaller woman looked back towards the house and answered in its direction, "I needed to ask you something." Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, awkwardly. "Go ahead." "Why didn't you shoot Seth?" Dina turned back to face Ellie, watching her eyes as Ellie tried her best to look at anything but Dina. She was instantly worried that Dina already knew the answer to her question.

"D, I..." The words were stuck in the back of her throat again. "Do you want to die, El?" Ellie instantly grabbed her left hand to twist her ring and pinkie fingers in her usual nervous twitch but stopped when she felt their absence once again. Dina's eyes flitted down to them. Suddenly a soft hand reached out to hold the mangled stubs, calming Ellie instantly. All of the emotions behind her walls came crashing down. Crumbling them as she sobbed out, "I love you, Dina." It was a yes or no question, but Ellie figured she's answered it sufficiently.

  
_"Wait. Gimme your hand." Dina doesn't even hesitate to loosen the familiar leather strap from her own wrist, despite its personal significance. The bracelet is one of her most prized possessions, a gift from her sister, and something she sees as a way of carrying Talia with her through the world. Sharing with her all these things, she will never get to see or do. Giving it to Ellie means she is sharing that past with her. It is a much more significant gesture than the redhead likely realizes._

_"I don't believe in luck." Dina isn't even put off by Ellie's naive response. Nothing would have prevented her from ensuring Ellie left the theater with some vital piece of her. It is a promise, one that she hopes Ellie will honor. The promise to return to her. "I do." It wasn't all luck. It was fate, finding Ellie in this vast, monstrous world. Finding her, loving her, and getting the opportunity to be loved by her in return. She thanks the universe for it as she seals her promise with a kiss and watches Ellie leave._

Dina tried not to lose her composure at Ellie's admission. Sure, it was blurted out, and it didn't really address her question directly, but it sent a warm pulse from her chest down to her stomach. She wasn't used to the redhead admitting her feelings so readily, but she didn't want to discourage more of it. At the same time, she also didn't want to simply give in so easily. There are still a lot of unknowns and even more questions. She takes her bottom lip in between her teeth to fight back the warm blush that is surely sweeping over her cheeks and neck. "I guess we really need to talk, don't we?" Her hands continue rubbing circles over Ellie's mangled digits. Dina really wants to know these new scars, as much as she now knows all the old ones. 

Ellie simply nodded in return. "I would invite you in, but..." Dina watches her struggle to explain what in the hell is going on in her house. It was hard not to be angry that there were two other women in her home, even if she had no claim to Ellie anymore. Bitterness replaced the warmth from mere seconds ago so quickly it almost choked her. "But, there is an orgy taking place inside?" She is only halfway joking, still not convinced Ellie isn't somehow aware or even a participant. Ellie's green eyes go wide, and her shoulders tighten. "What? What do you mean?" Why does she look so damn confused? Is that jealousy, or is she just shocked? It dawns on Dina that perhaps Ellie really had no idea. "Umm, yea, so maybe you should sleep in the garage tonight? Cat and Shannon..." But the look on Ellie's face changes before she can finish, and she watches as Ellie breaks out into uncontrollable laughter. Dina can't help but join in, relieved Ellie isn't privy to or upset by the idea of the two other women together.

As their laughter finally subsides, Ellie glances down at their hands, still grasping one another from earlier. "Do you maybe want to come talk in the garage?" Dina wants to say no, it's late, and coming here in the first place was a little impulsive, to say the least. Yet, she can't bring herself to ever deny Ellie, particularly because the green-eyed woman appeared to have been so open with her as of late. "Sure." Ellie intertwines their fingers and starts around back through the large gate. 

Dina recalls that Ellie never really held her hand like this before. I mean, sure, they would always be touching one another in the privacy of their home or behind closed doors, but never out in public like this. The gesture was making her heart swell, and she knew she wasn't going to be able to be reserved with Ellie much longer. She can't help but think what a stark difference this Ellie is from the one she went to Seattle with or the version she spent the last few months at the farm in the company of. Giving over all her secrets in her journal, blurting out that she loved her, holding her hand. It made Dina feel like this was the start of something new. Like they were back two years prior, and Ellie was making all the effort to finally win Dina over.

The garage was just as the two had left it only a few days prior. Ellie finally released her hand as she rushed to clear some space on the old futon for Dina to sit. "Sorry, I haven't gotten around to doing much with this space. It's been kind of crazy lately." The redhead chuckled a little. Dina prompted dropped back down from the clouds of her impending swoon with a palpable thud in her chest. "Yea, I bet." She felt more resolute, but this conversation needed to go places that would change that very quickly.

"Did you really kiss them?" Might as well rip the wound open right away, Dina thought. Ellie stopped midway through taking a seat on the other end of the futon. There was no mistaking the surprise in her face at the abrupt question. The redhead plopped down the rest of the way with a deep sigh, her eyes fixed on Dina. "D, I don't want to keep anything from you anymore. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but yea. I did kiss them both." She doesn't move, and Dina is starting to wonder if coming here was a mistake. "That's it? No other explanation?" Ellie shakes her head in what looks like defeat. "Would it really matter? It doesn't change that I hurt everyone involved, right?" It wasn't what she really wanted to hear, but it is the truth.

"But you love me?" It was hard not to sound desperate, asking something like that on the heels of such a significant admission. Ellie nods immediately. "More than I can explain in words. Yea." At this point, Dina is fighting back the tears building in her eyes. "El, I can't just forget everything that's happened. You left, you kissed two other women. Did you really come back for...us?" Ellie reaches out for her hand now, grounding her before Dina floats away in her fear. The need to keep fighting her urge to fall into this familiar suffocating love is all that's stopping her from diving into Ellie's arms.

"I am not asking you to forget D. I just want the chance for you to know me. Really know me. And if you can fall in love with all of that, all of me, then that's everything I have ever wanted. I will never ask you for anything but the chance for you to get to know me finally. I promise." Dina's heart explodes in her chest, overflowing with all the things she had wished for since Ellie walked into those stables so many years ago. She had been so desperate for any piece of the redhead that she was content to love small versions of her. But the real thing, the real Ellie, was always somewhere just beyond those walls. The fat tears rolling down her cheeks had gone unnoticed until she took a shaky deep breath. 

"You ok?" Dina nods, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Is that ok?" Dina nods again. "Ok. Well, I guess where do you want to start? What do you want to know?" All of the millions of questions Dina had for Ellie over the last seven years leave her brain in that instant. Those things she never dared ask so as to avoid scaring the redhead away, making her close up even more. Her mind is blank, void of anything but the feeling of Ellie's hands on hers. She sniffles and runs her finger, mindlessly over Ellie's knuckles. The sensation sparks her first question.

"What happened..." She glances down to Ellie's missing fingers tenderly only briefly before looking back up to watch Ellie's reaction. The redhead pulls her left hand from her grasp and holds it up slightly for Dina to see more clearly. "Abby." The name makes her mouth run dry, and Ellie's eyes darken some. "I found her. She had been taken by some slavers—the Rattlers. I..." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Dina wants to tell her it's ok, to let her off the hook, but she knows this is what Ellie asked for. The rest of the story comes easier until Ellie talks about letting her go. Dina can't help the tinge of anger at the thought of letting the person who took so much from all of them go. But she doesn't express it, fearing it would only make Ellie hesitant to continue being so vulnerable. Earning her trust will be a delicate dance when everything is so tender and painful still.

The two are silent for much longer than Dina can handle after Ellie talks about watching Abby's skiff disappear in the grey smoke and fog of the small cove. "It's ok if you are angry that I let her go. I get it if you are, but D, I swear, right before she slipped away in my hands, I thought of my last night with Joel. That night after the dance, after...everything, I went to talk to him." Dina never knew how the two of them made amends, but she does recall being surprised that Ellie mentioned watching a movie with him the day after on patrol. "What did you talk about?" Ellie looks up at the ceiling. "You." 

Dina is taken aback that the two would ever discuss something like that. Neither one of them wanted to talk about feelings, so for the two to have a conversation about her, especially on that night, it was pretty surprising. "I could tell he wanted me to be happy. But that wasn't all. He told me he would save me from the hospital in Salt Lake all over again. At first, I was so fucking pissed. But then I thought about you, and it kind of made sense. He was telling me in his own way that he saved me so I could love and be happy. That was all he wanted for me." Ellie is crying but smiling, and Dina is struck by it. It's the first time she has ever seen Ellie cry anything but tears of rage, grief, or pain. She is mesmerized by the sight. Ellie continues on, "How could I ever make it back to you if I killed her. I already did so much; one more thing would have been too much." Both nod at one another in understanding.

It must be close to midnight at this point, but Dina doesn't feel tired. She is craving more, despite knowing it was selfish to keep asking Ellie to carry on with so much emotional catharsis after the day she has had. Dina becomes very aware of the handprints across the redhead's throat and considers calling it a night, but Ellie appears to notice her reluctance and chimes in to encourage more, "I know it's late, but what else do you need to know tonight?" Dina tilts her head to silently ask if the woman in front of her is sure, and Ellie responds with a faint smile.

"Why didn't you come straight home?" Ellie purses her full lips before taking them into her teeth to pull at them. "I just couldn't. You know I didn't leave because of Abby, right?" Dina nods, "Do now." Ellie pulls a hand from hers to rub her cheek with her thumb. "And you know why I am such a fucking mess? All the shit I've done?" Dina doesn't respond. She disagrees that Ellie should feel any of those things about herself. "I just was so worried I would pull you and JJ down with me. I needed to get better or die trying. I knew that when I left that morning. I left because I needed to spare you both from where I was spirling. I think I wanted Abby to kill me. It was easier than trying to face everything else." "But she didn't, and I was praying for you to come back. You had to know I would be waiting for you even though I said I wasn't!" Dina wants to blurt out that neither of them deserved any of this, but she stops herself. "So, where were you then? Obviously, you went to New Mexico, but where else?" 

Ellie retells her journey from Santa Monica east to Arizona and then New Mexico. "D those mountains. Those pink fucking mountains. I just felt so close to you." Both women cry at that. Dina had forgotten how much she missed home. "How was Los Ranchos? Is it still..." She can't bring herself to ask for fear her old community has finally been overtaken by the Ravens. "They are good. Some of them remembered you and your family. I can't believe that's where you grew up. It was so beautiful, D." 

Dina is caught up in remembering the farm along the Rio Grande. Spending the summers swimming the acequias. Running through the lavender fields in spring, trying to avoid the bees. The honey, sweet with the earthy flowery taste of the purple blooms. The smell of chile roasting on open flames in the fall when the cottonwoods of the Bosque turned golden. The first snow days on the mountains to the east, those pink mountains Ellie was raving about. She remembers the smell of the rain and dust. The red clay of the river banks, dark like the skin of all the people in the community. "It was the best place to grow up, I think." Dina blinks the tears down her cheeks. Now Ellie knows it all, knows Dina just from seeing it, from being there. "So I stayed for a while. I helped them with the Ravens." She pauses to look away out the only window in the room into the darkness. "They should be safe for a long time now." Dina knows what she means by that, but she cannot bring herself to ask or pass judgment. In fact, she is relieved. "Thank you. For looking after something I love and for reminding me."

Ellie tells her about her journey north and how much healing she did, thanks to the people there. Dina was surprised to hear about the prayer that she recites now. It's evident that Ellie really did do some significant healing and soul searching on the road. Maybe it is silly to be angry she was gone for so long when the outcome appears to be so positive for her soulmate.

By the time Ellie recounts her entire return to Jackson, Dina is exhausted. The sky is turning blueish gray, signaling that the sunrise is imminent. "I should get home to JJ. Susan and Robin are probably worried by now." Ellie rises from the futon, stretching with a yawn. "Yea, for sure. Thanks for letting me share this with you, D." Dina smiles as she gets up and stretches as well. "Can I see you again, err...I mean, can we do this some more. It doesn't have to be this intense if you don't want...I just want to spend more time with you. I mean no strings attached, of course!" She puts her hands up as she fumbles through what Dina thinks is her attempt to ask her to hang out again. That is the old Ellie she remembers, flustered in her presence, but now, after reading her journal, Dina knows why. "Sure, but can we maybe eat or something? This was too intense to do without sustenance." She giggles a little at her observation. Ellie smiles, the same smile she had when Dina first kissed her on the dance floor that night two years prior.

Dina makes her way to the door before turning to tell Ellie goodnight. The redhead doesn't move from her spot near the amp and guitar in the middle of the room. Dina wishes she would, but it is obvious Ellie is trying to maintain some boundaries. Suddenly she is reminded of the bracelet in her pocket. "I almost forgot," she starts as she turns away from the door to face Ellie again. "It's for..." Her eyes catch Ellie's as she is drawn in her direction, bracelet in hand. "Good luck." Ellie finishes for her with a smile that reaches all the way up into those green eyes. They sparkle as Dina tightens the leather around Ellie's tattooed wrist. She wants to lean in and kiss her but instead smiles back and slowly traces the contour of her thumb as she backs away towards the door. Dina turns and leaves before she falls into Ellie and loses herself recklessly once again.

Outside, the air is chilly in the darkest moment before the sun crests the mountain ranges to the east. Rounding the main house, Dina notices Cat slipping out the front door and down the steps. She is wearing what appears to be her own clothes finally. "Walk of shame, much?" The tattooed woman stops at the sound of Dina's voice from behind her. "Huh. Funny considering you are leaving at the same time as me." Dina smiles, "Yea, but I have don't feel any shame about last night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you grew up swimming in acequias, running through the Bosque along the Rio Grande, craving Fall so the air was filled with the smell of roasting green chile and hot air balloons, watching the clouds wrap the crest of the Sandias in white snowcaps, that part of this chapter is for you! Que Viva Burque!


	14. You make me feel like I am home again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome a love "cube" awkward dinner party. Also, Dina gets a piece of her past back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The Cure's Lovesong

_"You love it." Fuck if that isn't the truth. Ellie is trying not to panic as Dina leans into her, practically laying her head on her shoulder. This is either some crazy dream she is having or some sick joke the universe is playing on her. Lately, Dina had been more touchy than usual. It was making her completely confused, and Ellie was just hoping to get through the night without fucking up her two most important remaining relationships. Sure, she wanted nothing more than for Dina to want her back, but Ellie couldn't risk losing the raven-haired girl or Jesse._

_"I'm...just a girl. Not a threat." She repeats the mantra in her head. Dina doesn't like girls stupid. Stop reading into this. She doesn't want you like that. Still, Ellie is finding it hard to breathe. Everything about this moment feels like more than just a friendly gesture. In fact, for a while, every interaction with her best friend has been more heated. Their looks more charged, every hug lingering long enough for strange rocking to happen between them. It's all very confusing, but Ellie wants desperately to be wrong. She wants nothing more in the world than the girl in her arms._

Ellie woke up with a small shiver. Her joints were freezing, and the lack of a blanket or pillow made for an uncomfortable sleep on the futon, even in the warmer summer months. Light was beaming in through the only window across the room, telling her it was well into midday. She started to stretch and yawn but stopped abruptly when the pain in her jaw, neck, and throat took her by surprise. Despite the lack of sleep and her painful injuries, Ellie had never felt better. Last night was the dream ending to a really fucked up day. Hell, it was the dream ending to a really fucked up year or two.

She bent to retie her shoes before making her way out of the garage she once called home. What awaited her inside her new home, she wasn't sure, but Dina had more than insinuated that something was going on between her new roommate and their dinner guest. The thought kind of made her happy, but Ellie had to admit there was some jealousy. Not that the two women weren't hers, but more that she didn't yet have anything romantic in her life as she longed for. It was a selfish thought, and she shoved it down, making her way across the small yard to the main house.

Swinging the back door open, she heard the unmistakeable basslines and drum breaks of Shannon's music from the living room. The blonde rounded the corner to the hallway, her hair tied up behind a red bandana. "Hey!" Ellie thought she seemed surprised to see her and oddly shy about the redhead's appearance in her own house. "I was just cleaning a little. I hope you don't mind?" Ellie looked at her quizzically, trying to figure out why she was suddenly giving off such nervous vibes. "You know you don't have to do that? You're a guest." As the words left her mouth, Shannon turned her head to the dining room in a nervous avoidance of Ellie's gaze. That's when she saw them; dark hickies littered across the expanse of pale skin on her neck and under the neckline of her shirt. A smirk moved over her sore lips, and Shannon seemed to catch it before nervously making her way into the kitchen. "You hungry?"

  
Ellie spent the rest of the day working on the big gift she brought back from New Mexico with her. Now that she and Dina were on speaking terms again, she knew it would be an excellent time to give it to her. There wasn't much left to do, and using Joel's old woodworking tools again brought back happy memories of spending time with him while he carved. Luckily Shannon had left to go check on things at the Bison, so she had several hours of alone time concentrating and taking up space on the dining room table.

By the time Ellie was satisfied with her work, it was dusk. She desperately wanted to deliver her gift immediately, but she wasn't sure if showing up unexpectedly on Robin and Susan's porch was the best idea. Who knew what Jesse's parents thought of her anymore. Besides, Dina hadn't made any indication that she would be allowing Ellie to be around JJ anytime soon. Those thoughts made her sad, and she was brought down from the high of being so close to Dina last night. Maybe it was best if she just sulked in her melancholy alone today and avoided any social or public interactions.

After emerging from a much-needed shower, Ellie heard music from downstairs along with some laughter. Part of her wanted to just call it an early night and crash, but then she smelled something cooking in the kitchen. She surveyed her bruised face and swollen lips before heading down the stairs. 

"There she is!" Cat bellowed as Ellie stepped into the kitchen. Ellie couldn't stop her eyes from rolling at the sight of the two women in her kitchen. She supposed this would be her new normal as Cat wrapped her arms around Shannon's waist from behind. Damn, these two didn't waste any time, did they? It was clear Dina knew something Ellie did not. Were these two an item now? Ellie eyed them out of the corner of her eyes as she grabbed herself a glass of water. "Oh, you are gonna want something stronger than that, darlin." Shannon turned over hers and Cat's shoulder to wink at Ellie. What the fuck were these two planning? Just then, there was a knock at the door. Ellie couldn't help but catch the two other women spin around to watch her reaction. 

A hefty sigh escaped her lips as she shuffled to the front door. Obviously, the identity of the person behind her door was known to the two women kissing and being disgustingly cute in her kitchen. Ellie wasn't sure she had the energy to deal with anything crazy tonight, but she flung the front door open none-the-less. Standing there with her hands stuffed into her back pockets was Dina. Her hair was loose and fell in frizzy curls over the definition of her shoulders and collar bones, cascading down around her breasts. Ellie had only seen her with her hair down when the two of them were alone, and the sight now sent so many tempting memories rushing back through her head. Her stomach stirred and twisted as a heat built. She wasn't entirely certain her eyes didn't bulge from her head or that her mouth wasn't agape in awe. Who the fuck would ever be stupid enough to walk away from such a gorgeous woman?

"Umm..." Dina's voice broke her reverie, and she realized her hands were trembling. "Hey?" It came out like a question, and Ellie instantly shook her head at her stupidity. "Sorry. Am I early?" Dina shot her a confused look along with the question. "No, you are just in time for drinks!" Cat pulled Ellie from the doorway and reached a glass out to Dina on the porch. Ellie's eyes moved between both women, still feeling utterly confused until Cat shoved a drink and her hand and headed back to the kitchen. 

"Come in?" Everything still was coming out as a question, and Ellie was growing annoyed at herself. Dina made her way past the redhead, leaving Ellie to take in the familiar scent of her soap. Once in the hallway, Dina stood still, obviously waiting for Ellie's cues. When the redhead shut the door to buy herself some time to get her brain working again, Dina huffed in her drink. "You all need any help?" Ellie felt ridiculous; obviously, someone had organized this dinner party in her own house and ambushed her with it. Now her ex and the woman she had kissed a few days ago were in her kitchen cooking for her and her other ex. This was like one of those fucked up romantic comedies Dina made her watch so often. She hoped the two masterminds in the kitchen would decline Dina's offer to help. The prospect of all three of them taking up such a small space made her sweat. "Nope. I have it handled." Shannon answered before Cat added, "Why don't you two handle some music since blondie here has such shit taste."

This was going to be an odd night, to say the least, but Ellie was so thankful to have Dina in her presence again so soon. Dina turned into the living room and started looking over Joel's old records. Ellie knew whatever she picked out would be upbeat and something to move to. The shorter woman always loved dancing. "Ugh, I love this one! Do you mind?" Ellie stood in the living room doorway, trying to repress the urge to chug her drink in one go. How she had missed Dina's enthusiasm for the small things in life. She smiled and shook her head as Dina almost jumped out of her skin in excitement. Ellie moved around the raven-haired woman to sit on the couch. The needle scratched to life as the opening guitar riffs started, and Dina shook her hips slightly in joy. She spun around, the drink between her two small hands as she closed her eyes and sang out the opening lines quietly. "Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream, she said. The one that makes me laugh, she said." Ellie couldn't help the smile creeping over her face. Just like heaven indeed.

Dina made her way over the couch and took a seat closer to Ellie than they had been the night before. Ellie downed the rest of her drink, hoping for a dose of liquid courage. How can anyone be this beautiful? "So, let me guess. Those two didn't tell you shit about this dinner party, did they?" Ellie almost choked on the alcohol in her mouth. "Was it that obvious?" Dina just laughed in response. "But I'm glad you're here." Ellie internally patted herself on the back for finally emerging from her debilitating swoon. Dina took a slow sip and eyed Ellie over the rim of her glass. Those eyes glowed amber in the sunlight pouring through the curtains over her shoulder. It was going to be hard not to want more than what she asked Dina for last night. 

"You want another?" Ellie turned her head slightly to avoid drowning in Dina's gaze. The smaller woman gave her sideways smirk and pursed her lips before answering. "Naw, you know how I get when I drink too much." Ellie chuckled back heartily. "Oh? You planning on fighting someone here?" Dina rolled her eyes before running her finger slowly over the rim of the glass. "I don't want to fight tonight. So you know..." Her eyes shot up to meet Ellie's again, and the redhead almost fainted at the implication. Dina only wanted to fight or...fuuuuck. She stumbled from the couch into out of the room in a full-on panic.

"Where's the booze, Catrina?" Cat swung around from her spot at the counter, chopping things and scowl. "Are you sure you want to fuck with me tonight, Ellie Williams? And what kind of haloe name is Ellie anyways?" Ellie wanted to laugh at the Polynesian woman's clear annoyance if only to distract herself from the sexual innuendo she was fleeing in the other room. "Sorry. I'm fucking nervous, and I just need booze. I am totally fucking unprepared for this since, you know, you two thought it would be good not to tell me about any of this?" Shannon cackled as Cat rolled her eyes and pointed towards the fridge. Ellie would need lots of booze to deal with this level of fuckery for sure.

  
Ellie returned to the living room with a full glass to find Dina swaying solo to the familiar tune of one of the songs from her mixtape. The sight was something she never thought she would see again. The woman of her dreams dancing without a care in the world. It was impossible to prevent the big stupid smile that spread over her face. Dina turned to find Ellie watching her so adoringly from the doorway. Her small hand reached out towards Ellie before she grabbed the taller woman's drink and downed it in one gulp. This was entirely too familiar, Ellie thought, as Dina yanked her into the room and wrapped her hand around the back of the redhead's neck. "D, you know I can't dance for shit." Dina moved one hand off her neck, and Ellie felt panic shot through her like lightning. She didn't want this to stop. Instead, Dina placed the pad of her index finger over Ellie's sore, swollen lips before leaning into the crook of her neck and sighing. 

How could anyone get so fucking lucky, twice? Ellie was lost in making sure her hands didn't grab Dina's waist too tightly or too low. She was sure they were shaking, just like the first time they danced. "Tell me something?" Dina's words felt overwhelmingly phenomenal as they danced up Ellie's neck. Her eyes clamped shut as she tried not to collapse right there in her living room. "Anything." she exhaled with a shaky breath. It was true; at this moment, she would grant Dina anything she wanted. "When did you know you were in love with me?" 

Ellie knew the exact moment. "That's easy. Two days after, I met you for the first time." Dina pulled away from her shoulders, loosening her grip on the back of her neck. Her head was tilted to the side in thought. "What?" Ellie chuckled. "I just...I mean, I couldn't even tell you about that day. Like did something significant happen that I don't remember? Why? Why that day?" Ellie tightened her grip on the shorter woman's hips as she leaned down to rest her forehead on Dina's shoulder. "It was one of the best days of my life. I had farm duty for the first time." Dina snorted in laughter. "Now I know you're full of shit! Best day ever? You? Farm duty? Yeah, fucking right." Ellie smiled and just carried on. "You stopped by to talk to Susan, I guess. You were standing on one of the empty planter boxes, balancing back and forth on it. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen—all fire and free. Susan kept telling you to cut it out, and you just ignored her and continued talking to her about whatever it was. Then mid-sentence, you caught me staring at you, and you just fucking jumped from the planter and left Susan waiting for you to finish what you were saying. But you walked right up to me and said, 'Like what you see, El?' It was the first time you or anyone called me that, and I knew I wanted to hear that for the rest of my life." Ellie felt Dina's fingers run across the back of her neck, followed by the length of her arms, and she pulled the redhead into her shoulder further.

"Let's eat you two." Shannon's voice ruined the moment as the two reluctantly released one another. Dina's fingers lingered along Ellie's forearm as she made her way into the dining room for what promised to be the longest, most awkward meal ever. Ellie stopped to flip the record and followed her out across the hall.

_"You love it." Dina knows it's true, but if Ellie only knew how much she loved it too, well, maybe things would finally be different between them. She had been planning for weeks how and when she would tell Ellie how she felt about her. It had gotten harder and harder not to just grab the redhead and kiss her during that time. Every single one of Dina's thoughts revolved around the moment when their lips would finally meet. At this point, she was dying just to finally get it over with and see if it would be as life-altering as she had imagined._

_"I'm...just a girl. Not a threat." Well, it's now or never. Dina steels her nerves, relying on the liquid courage she has gotten from downing Ellie's drink. This is the perfect time to tell her, but Dina doesn't think she can just say it with words. Her stubborn best friend would indeed find occasion to be skeptical. On top of that, being this close to her love interest made her want to do something reckless. She needed to take the plunge and finally taste Ellie's lips._

Dina pulled her chair out from the old table and marveled at how heavy it was. Admittedly, she was pretty distracted by how special Ellie had just made her feel. Dina supposed that her mind had made up a scenario where Ellie would have fallen in love with her over some significant, memorable point of their lives together. One they both could recount together in great detail. But the exact moment was so forgettable to her that she didn't even remember the exchange. That made it all the more special to her.

Shannon and Cat carried in the dishes from the kitchen, and Ellie grabbed the bottle of bourbon left out on the counter. Dina wasn't sure what to expect when Cat found her at the clinic earlier that day and told her the four of them were going to have dinner at Ellie's. She was initially skeptical of Cat's intentions. Still, Dina trusted that nothing would go too off the rails if Ellie was involved, mainly because of their conversation the night before. 

"This looks amazing." Dina had to give it to the blonde. For all her lack of skill outside Jackson's walls, the girl sure could cook. Cat smirked as she served herself some of the sweet potatoes. "Guess that was why Ells let her move in, huh?" Ellie rolled her eyes and groaned. "Well, then why the fuck do you keep coming around, Cat? You know you can't cook." Cat huffed, and Shannon draped her hand over Cat's arm. "Let's just say I am a sucker for pretty eyes." The tattooed woman locked eyes with Shannon, and Ellie groaned again. "Groooosss." Well, at least Dina knew how it was that Cat and Shannon came to make themselves so at home the other night.

Dinner was surprisingly quiet as Shannon and Cat talked about who made the first move the night before with all the giddy excitement of a new, budding relationship. "I give it a week before you two move in together." Dina watched as Ellie pushed her greens around the plate in disgust. Some things never change; the redhead never did like anything green. "That's such a fake cliche, Ellie. We didn't move in with each other right away." Cat laughed a forced, theatric laugh. "Yeah, fucking right. You kissed her, followed her to Seattle, and when you came back, you two had a kid before moving to a fucking farm...alone." Dina felt her chest flush. It was the truth, they had moved fast, but somehow she had rationalized it in her head as being ok because they had known one another for so long. She turned her head to see Ellie giving her a weak smile.

At some point, Shannon and Cat started having their own inappropriate conversation at the table. The two thought they were quiet, but Dina could, unfortunately, make out every sexually charged word the two exchanged. "Ok, get a fucking room already, and please make sure it is not this one. In fact, did you two clean this table after last night?" Ellie snickered into her closed fist. Dina had already had three drinks, fast approaching her limit before she had to pick a preferred drunk activity. At the moment, the fire was in her to fight. Cat rose from the table and grabbed Shannon's hand. "Come, let's go to my place. You two got the dishes."

Ellie started collecting the plates as Dina rose to accompany her to the kitchen. "Hey, it's cool. I'll do them later. You don't need to help." Dina was annoyed that she was being made to feel so much like a guest in Ellie's home. She wanted to feel more like it was hers, but that was unfair and unrealistic. The two of them hadn't even discussed what they were if they even were anything anymore. Ellie set the dishes in the sink before turning to face Dina. "Well, um...what do you want to do." Dina couldn't help her eyes from roaming the taller girl's body if only to watch her get flustered. She smiled as the redhead's cheeks turned pink, and she looked away nervously. "Can we go talk on the porch, maybe?"

Ellie's foot nervously twitched at the ankle as it laid crossed over her left knee. The bourbon bottle sat in her lap as the two women had long abandoned glasses in their mission to finish the bottle. Dina reached across Ellie's twitching foot to grab the bottle. "I thought you said you shouldn't drink tonight?" Dina smiled as the thick glass rim left her lips. "Well, you are making me fucking nervous, El." Ellie shrugged. "Sorry." She put both feet flat on the porch and smoothed her jeans over her thighs. "So? Are you glad they ambushed us both with this?" Dina nodded. "Even though they make a fucking awkward couple, it was nice." Ellie laughed in response. 

The minutes ticked away in silence, and Dina thought it was all too perfect. She never felt so good being still and quiet in another person's presence before. Despite her contentment, she could tell Ellie wanted to speak. Dina kept catching the redhead turning to stare at her. "What is it, El?" Ellie reached over into her lap to grab the bottle this time. "Well, you know what you asked me earlier?" Dina smiled and nodded at Ellie's attempt not to outright ask when she had fallen in love with her. "You want to know when I figured it out?" Ellie nodded before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand after a long pull from the bottle.

Dina felt bad that hers was so obvious compared to Ellie's. "I think I always knew deep down, but I was trying so hard to convince myself that it wasn't true." She watched Ellie's brow furrow. "But I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself after I heard play at the bonfire that first time. I mean, I loved you before, but I knew after that, I knew it was for real." Ellie nodded, and suddenly, Dina felt her large hands grasp her own. The taller woman stood, reaching her other hand out for Dina's to pull her up. "Come with me?" Dina rose and followed Ellie through the main house and out the back door. 

The excitement of the unknown was something she always loved, but this time she was a little worried about where Ellie was leading her and why. "Close your eyes, please." Dina felt even more vulnerable than she already did, but a large part of her knew she could trust Ellie. She heard the door to the garage open as Ellie led her into the echoing confines of the mostly empty space. Ellie left her grip. "Stay right there, ok? Do you trust me?" Dina nodded. There was some rustling in front of her but nothing recognizable until she heard Ellie's footsteps return towards her.

"Ok. Open them." In Ellie's arms was a large object wrapped in an old piece of cloth. Dina felt some small sense of familiarity from it, but she couldn't place it. She reached out tentatively and pulled the fabric away from what was hidden underneath. The sight made her gasp. Ellie held her childhood Torah. Part of the parchment still appeared to be burnt to hell and missing, but the scrolls' wooden portions appeared to be newly replaced. "Ellie?" Dina couldn't stop the tears from running down her cheeks in constant streams. "I thought you would want JJ to learn the same way your family taught you. I tried to fix it as much as I could." This was the most beautiful gift anyone had ever given her. It was her past and her future. JJ could feel the same connection to his family she did, and Ellie had likely gone through hell to retrieve it.

"How?" Ellie motioned with her head to the futon before setting the Torah on the cleared off coffee table. Dina started to unroll it while actively trying not to sob like a fool. "I told you. I helped with the Ravens. The Synagogue was part of their territory, right?" It was true, and it was also why Dina and Thalia had to flee New Mexico. After the Ravens forcefully took over that part of the city, she and her sister tried to return to retrieve the Torah. They killed several Ravens before being discovered. Leaving New Mexico was the only way to avoid being killed. Now the object that caused the chain of events that upended her life was back in her possession. 

"I...I don't know what to say." Dina watched Ellie smile beside her. "I can't believe you got it back and carried it all the way here." Ellie shrugged. "It got fucked up on the way home for sure, but I tried to restore it as best as I could. I just needed you to know that I heard every word that I ever heard from your mouth. I might have been too fucked up to seem like I cared. But I hung on all of them. Every. Fucking. Word." Dina's hands clenched as she felt herself giving in to Ellie finally. She stared down at the magnificent gift in front of her, and she knew again without question, this was real.

Her hands reached out, grabbing Ellie's cheeks quickly, but so gently, it surprised her she reigned in her desire enough in the moment. "I love you, El. I have always loved you, and I always will." The green eyes in front of her softened and sparkled as the redhead leaned forward to take her chin between her thumb and index finger. Dina melted as Ellie's lips met hers, gently and sweet the two kissed before Dina became impatient and pushed into the soft lips in front of her. "Oh. Fuck! Ouch!" Ellie pulled away before giggling. "Shit! Sorry El, I forgot about your injuries." Dina pressed her forehead into Ellie's before biting her own lips in an attempt to squelch the desire to kiss the redhead deeply. "Sorry to ruin the moment," Ellie remarked with her eyes closed. But the moment was perfect, and Dina wouldn't have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. Thank you so much for all the love and support. We are nearing the end of our journey here but I just published a new AU today. Check it out if you have a chance. Much love!  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/27546742


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